I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tomtomvissers
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I got fired today because a customer wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese....

I told them we only accept cash.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jeetsampat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Advertisers for cream cheese are running schmear campaigns...

...and they should all be lox'd up for their capers.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ceelogreenicanth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call cream cheese that's been dropped?

Flooradelphia

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/happybakingface
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I was walking down the street, and a man threw cheese, milk, and ice cream at me.

How dairy.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GayBookBoy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What kind of dog goes well with cream cheese?

A Beagle.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nukesup
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dear dairy, I can't stop thinking about ice cream, cheese, and butter

Crap, Dear diary...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jskoker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My girlfriend is flatulent because she had more milk, cheese and ice cream than usual this weekend.

You could say she is having trouble with her dairy air.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rossum81
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My 17yr old wanted some cream cheese. Asked if she wanted the 50 Shades of Grey kind...

You know...Whipped

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PoweredByADD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Interesting food names

Chris P. Cream

Chris P. Bacon

Pete Zah

Barbie Q.

Q. Cumber

Okra Winfrey

Tom A. Tow

Zach N. Cheese

Drew Brie's

May N. Ace

Tuna Turner

Drew Berry

Parma Shawn

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Escalade1414
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Philidelphia tastes better than Daisy

Because sweet creams are made of cheese

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/therealtechnird
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad got his first smart phone. I asked him if he knew to put it in rice if it got wet...

Him: Yeah and if that doesn't work, you put butter on it

Me: Butter?? Really? I hadn't heard that one. Why butter?

Him: Because if the rice doesn't work the phone is toast

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/taurus_tourist
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
NEW!! Celebrity Fun in the Pun candle line!

Chris Pine - Pine scented

Cocoa Chanel - Hot cocoa scented

Beth Crow-ley - Rain, nighttime, and city streets scented

Tom Holly-and - Holly berry scented

JK Row-ling - Lakes and campfire scented

Miley Cypress - Cypress scented

Bob Moss - Forest and moss scented

Juniper Aniston - Juniper scented

Katy Berry - Mixed berry scented

Britney Spearmint - Spearmint scented

Bread Pitt - Bread scented

Tom Cruise - Ocean, salty, alcohol scented

Aurora - Nighttime, wind, whimsical scented

Nicole Kidman - baby powder scented

Justin Beaver - Wood, nature scented

Elvis Parsley - Parsley scented

Steve Cobs - Corn on the cob scented

Banana Montana - Banana scented

Orange Winfrey - Orange scented

Chris Bat - Nighttime, caves, and bats scented

Zoey Salad-ana - Salad, lettuce, leafy greens, tomato, cheese scented

Dwayne the Rock - Mountains, earthy, fresh, crisp, wind scented Jennifer Joe-pez - Nice hot cup oโ€™ joe scented

Chicken Corbin Blue - Chicken and cheese and ham scented

Robert Brownie Jr. - Brownie scented

Sardine-a Gomez - Sardine scented

Daniel Rad-Clif - Clif bar blueberry flavor scented

Leonardo Di-Carp-rio - Fish scented

Halle Berry - Mixed scented

Demi Tomato - Tomato scented

Kevin Bacon - Bacon scented

Mandy Sโ€™more - Sโ€™mores scented

Mackerel-more - Fish scented

Broccoli Obama - Broccoli scented

WILL.I.SPAM. - Spam scented

Mark Buffalo Wings - Buffalo wing scented

John Lemon - Lemon scented

Shakiramisu - Tiramisu scented

Egg Sheeran - Eggs scented

Benedict Cucumber Patch - Cucumber scented

Adille - Dill scented

Kevin Spicy - Taco scented

Channing Potatum - Potato scented

Melon DeGeneres - Melon scented

Danny Burrito - Burrito scented

Michaelanjello - Red jello scented

Harry Panini - Panini scented

Snoop Hot Dog - Hot dog scented

Paris Hilton - Paris, city of love, generic love perfume scented

Morgan Whipped Cream-in - Whipped cream scented

Mike Fryson - French fry scented

Henry David Thoreaut Lozenge - Cough drop scented

Raisin Williams - Raisin scented

Robert Frosty - Vanilla ice cream scented

Jeff Onion-blum - Onion ring scented

Tom Skittle-ston - Skittles scented

Ralph Waldo M&Mson - Chocolate scented

Malt Whitman - Malt scented

(Friend and I came up with these on the ride down to Boston for a concert, after the โ€œI wonder what Chris Pine smells like?โ€ joke was brought up again from a previous time hanging out. Iโ€™m particularly proud of Bob Moss and Zoey Salad-ana.)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Minnara
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, โ€œDo you want a liftโ€. โ€œNo thanksโ€, they replied, โ€œWeโ€™re Walkersโ€.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all ยฃ5 apart from one that was ยฃ10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said โ€œthatโ€™s maderia cakeโ€.


Bought some cream, it said โ€œstore in a cool placeโ€. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says โ€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the otherโ€. The doctor says โ€œIโ€™m afraid you are a trifle deafโ€.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisiteโ€ฆ โ€“what a pity it isnโ€™t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adamโ€™s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because itโ€™s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When itโ€™s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charleyโ€™s death? BEN and JERRY.


Donโ€™t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you wonโ€™t be able to budge.


You know youโ€™re a mom ifโ€ฆ Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say โ€œOLE!โ€


FORGET LOVEโ€ฆ Iโ€™

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Bacon Puns

Why didnโ€™t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!


Whats green and smells like bacon? ย Kermit the Frogโ€™s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?


Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.


Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? ย Kevin Bacon


If you canโ€™t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries


Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.


Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.


What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.


Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.


What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.


How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.


What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.


What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, youโ€™re bacon my heart melt.


What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.


First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trumpโ€™s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.


Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.


If Kevin Bacon doesnโ€™t whisper โ€œHere comes the Baconatorโ€ before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost


Iโ€™ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge thatโ€™s not bacon


If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?


This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.


If we donโ€™t build a wall on our northern border, theyโ€™ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.


I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.


My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaverโ€ฆbecause Iโ€™m Canadian.


When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know youโ€™re getting extr

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
SO texted me from art school

Her: Ohhhhh my god some girl is spreading cream cheese on her bagel with her finger.

Me: For a school project? This performance art thing is getting out of hand.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hobaartron
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Thought I had a winner, but my 5yo got the last word.

Son, in a silly voice: "I'd like another piece of matzah with cream cheese and a-vo-ca-TOE."

Me: I don't think avoca's have toes, ha ha ha.

Son: ....

Me: I was just joking around. It's really "a-vo-ca-DO."

Son: Avoca's don't have dough, either.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/spoonhocket
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Customer: "I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese."

Cashier: "Sorry, we only accept cash."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 47
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoeFas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man attacked me with cheese, cream, and milk.

How dairy!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VikingLord17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 12 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.