Ruff.
Toucan play at this game.
They were an undercover cop.
He said he utter-ly loved it!!
The Doctor only gave him 4!...
Him: No, I told you I’ll be home by a quarter of twelve.
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
Because he needed his space!
He replies, "Of course not, I'm going to put it in the living room."
So I came over, and nobody was home.
They x-rayed my head but found nothing.
ME: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
ME: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
ME: No, it was with a knife...
My mom stares at me confused and then gets angry, while my dad grins from ear to ear, with a single tear of pride.
He forgot the Chopin Liszt
He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"
I went over,there was nobody home!
It’s called Tailor Swift.
At that moment my wife flashed before my eyes.
He then accidentally says “I hate tennis man” as he is used to being at school and complaining ;) His dad then responds by saying “who’s tennis man and what has he done to you” The son then looks like he wants to throw himself off a bridge
Dads asks “what are you playing son?” Son seems aggravated by being interrupted and answers, “Minecraft. “
Dad replies “so one could say you’re practicing for a career in the mining business.”
Kid says, “why don’t you mine your own business and leave me alone!”
Watson asks where he got them.
Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, my dear Watson."
Daughter: Let's hear it. Dad: M pa konnen. Daughter: What's it mean? Dad: I don't know.
On its berth day
very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Dad: "HI MAYBE!"
"So, I put a paper in the mailboxes of a few teachers."
"Oh jeez. What did you do this time?"
"I typed a Word Document that said 'Please fill out this form' and left the rest of the page blank. dad cackle
You shoulda heard what they were saying: 'Why did they give ME one? Did YOU get one?' Everyone was losing their minds!"
I ask her what she's watching. She says "Reba". I respond, "Do you know what the Spanish version of this show is called?" "No, what?" "AREBA!!!"
In an effort to cheer him up, his wife says “Honey I have great news! I found a great deal on a vacation for us next week! We’re going to Peru!” The husband says “Peru?! That’s fantastic! Alpaca suitcase!”
He was bullied
"Oh look, it's my favourite dog! And Alice." The dog's name is Alice.
"So how did your maths exam go? Did it all add up?"
Mom: what was the movie about? Dad: ABOUT 2 HOURS!!
...I said "What, like how much is it if you add the cost of a Lamb Balti and a Naan bread?"
edit. In the uk a takeaway is food you buy like Chinese or Indian, and take away.
Me: Hey Dad, did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got several of them cut!
Dad: Hey look all your friends called!
Me: Oh wow!
runs over to answering machine
Me: But there's no messages!
Dad: (bursts out laughing)
A husband comes home to his wife making dinner. He asks, "Is there anything I can do to help?" She replies, "Sure, there is a bag of potatoes in the fridge. Get them out, peel half of them, and put them in a pot of water." This was the result:
http://i.imgur.com/JEZhghr.png
Dad from 3 rooms over yells out "Hold me closer tiny pantser!"
Ruff.
Nobody was home...
