The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But it was arson

πŸ‘︎ 366
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neo-1000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.

That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
So I read a study the other day claiming that β€œhumans eat more bananas than monkeys”

Which to me sounded a bit obvious. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Grandcanyon19
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was little my parents always have me alphabet soup claiming that I liked it but they were just...

...putting words in my mouth

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife bought 9 pillows for our bed claiming it's a necessary aesthetic

But I think it's unnecessary fluff.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AureliusCM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Portland police are claiming protesters have blown up the courthouse toilets...

Apparently... They have nothing to go on at this time

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/7PrawnStar7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was murdered by two men claiming to be "Redditors."

The authorities are calling it "death by Snoo Snoo."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
All my life, I have been pretending to be smart by claiming that I’m in academia.

I can’t even point Academia on a map.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Democrats claiming counterfeit Viagra out of China is a danger to our democracy.

Apparently, they are trying to influence our erections.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Disco_Ninjas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
The donuts have been claiming that bagels are stealing their jobs

But bagels gotta earn their bread and butter somehow.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_bearHead
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
🚨︎ report
When I was little,my father used to feed me alphabet soup,claiming that I loved it.

I didn't.

He was just putting words in my mouth.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw a tabloid about a celebrity couple, claiming it could tell me Why She Left

But the real question is why she right?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hail-and-well-met
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
🚨︎ report
I saw an article in the news claiming a cure for forehead wrinkles

Talk about headline news

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Coworker came in today with a buzzcut claiming he got into a fight with a lawn mower.

I told him he fought the lawn and the lawn won.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yourchingoo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2016
🚨︎ report
A fan of U2 is claiming that his hearing was damaged at one of the band's recent concerts.

The fan is planning to sue, and U2 is looking for a pro Bono attorney.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HAL9000000
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
🚨︎ report
My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk!

πŸ‘︎ 653
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Seems like a Bassless claim to me
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cREDBARON
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
If I made a bot that spams every person who claims to be a member of the Pun Police with puns...

it would be a fully automatic machine pun.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/copenhagen_bram
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife claims I have 2 major faults

My unwillingness to listen, and, eh, some other thing.

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend claims he can eat 5 five kilos of sausages

He's full of bologna

Edit:spelling

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nuudom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain.

I’m really worried she won’t be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 121
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Can I claim an Eastern European exchange student as a dependent to reduce my income below the phaseout threshold?

I’m hoping to get a stimulus Czech.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CombatCarlsHand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I have had a Canon printer for years.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
If I had 50 cents for every maths Exam I failed

I’d have $8.40.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a co-worker who claimed for years that he hates Christmas. He finally broke down and told me he secretly loves it, he just has a reputation to maintain.

He finally came out of the Santa Claus-et.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/barthm1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,

But they were such lyres.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
You might not think engineers are brave...

But it took balls of steel to make the first bearings.

πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the museum and saw a painting of a criminal, who claimed his innocence and insisted the police planted evidence.

The frame was remarkable

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strungen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A Vegetarian Claimed to be my Girlfriend

Which is strange because I'd never seen herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 100
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tryze
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I fell asleep during Catholic mass.

I'm a Bored Again Christian.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teeim
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.

What, the actual Fuck.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, β€œUno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.

He disappeared without a tres.

πŸ‘︎ 303
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopardusMaximus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Biden will NEVER, EVER be my president

because I live in Canada.

πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Only-Lurk-SRD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend left me because of my gambling addiction. She claimed I was an idiot.

She's no better.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.

I’m not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.

I think that's a bit far fetched.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A vegetarian girl walked up to me and claimed we met before ...

I'm sure I never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BadPuppyZA
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife claims that vacuum cleaners are always better for cleaning than a brush.

I said, β€œThat’s a sweeping generalization.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Kansas airlines won’t let you use baggage claim for unruly children

Guess I’ll have to carry on my wayward son.

(Not mine, saw on Facebook)

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kilmarnock228
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.

They were Wright.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But, it was arson.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
So, I read a study the other day claiming that "humans eat more bananas than monkeys".

Which - to me - sounded a bit obvious. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was little, my parents always fed me alphabet soup, claiming that I liked it, but they were just...

...putting words in my mouth.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sw33tcheeks427
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife claims that men in camouflage look really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 533
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife claims that she can remove my chest hair without any pain at all.

I don’t think she will be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy

I just don't see it myself

πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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