I have a co-worker who claimed for years that he hates Christmas. He finally broke down and told me he secretly loves it, he just has a reputation to maintain.
He finally came out of the Santa Claus-et.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
I went to the museum and saw a painting of a criminal, who claimed his innocence and insisted the police planted evidence.
A Vegetarian Claimed to be my Girlfriend
Which is strange because I'd never seen herbivore
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.
My girlfriend left me because of my gambling addiction. She claimed I was an idiot.
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
A vegetarian girl walked up to me and claimed we met before ...
I'm sure I never met herbivore
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
My friend went to Egypt and claimed he never swam in a river.
I showed him a picture and he's still in denial.
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”
My friend discovered and claimed 15 ore veins as his property...
A century ago, two brothers claimed that it was possible to fly.
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
My college roommate claimed that the more stoned he was, the more logical he became.
That was a wrong high pot thesis.
A friend of mine claimed that you can't make a suggestive phrase out of a martial art
I asked:
"Muay Thai prove you wrong?"
I met an astronaut in Mexico who claimed to hold the record for the fastest unassisted orbit around Earth.
I'll never forget Juan Solo.
My girlfriend claimed that I couldn’t make a joke about soap.
A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.
I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.
There once was a farm, famed for the high quality of product from the award winning cows, many spoke of it in hushed, respectful tones, but none could say where it was, and many claimed, but none could prove that they had been there.
A glue company claimed it was environmentally friendly but was found to be dumping waste into the local river.
Their PR team is in a sticky situation.
My grandad died because his report claimed he had type-A blood.
Unfortunately, it was a type-O
My grandpa claimed to be able to beat Muhammad Ali in his prime...
Of course in his prime Muhammad Ali was only 4
Did you hear about the Dad who claimed responsibility for the earthquake?
He said it was all his fault.
I had a date cancel on me because she claimed to be constipated.
The other day I saw an article where they claimed Donald Trump is the Prime Minister of Canada
I said to myself, that isn't true though
My friend claimed he was talking to his friend through a piece of bread.
He calls it the "te-loaf-one".
Boss claimed his Slack stopped updating yesterday
Boss [9:10 AM]
Sorry - missed everything yesterday. Apparently my Slack was frozen...
Me [9:24 AM]
We just figured you were... slacking. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! https://media.giphy.com/media/v9rfTQBNqdsSA/giphy.gif
I literally told my dad about this subreddit, to which he claimed, "I never make jokes like that".
Today I was home, helping my sister out with her application while she was at school. I come to the strengths and weaknesses part. He looks at me with a straight face and says, "Michael, do not put odor under strengths". cracks big smile nostrils flare..... oh, dad.
Friend was talking about an article that claimed Jamaican Dancehall music was satanist.
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