So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
Once you start spreading lube on a child's slide, you won't be able to stop.
π︎ 76
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
I wanted to name our child Lance, but my wife said is was too uncommon
... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
π︎ 98
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
What do you call a child on fire at a steakhouse?
π︎ 77
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk
Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
π︎ 130
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
A child was slightly injured while digging for gold
Not to worry, only Minor Miner Injuries
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just wonβt come. Sheβs tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said βany means necessary.β
To which I replied βNo it doesnβt.β
π︎ 32
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
π︎ 88
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
π︎ 26k
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
When is the most appropriate time to deliver a child?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
*Passing every cemetery as a child* Dad would exclaim....
"WOW, people are DYING to get into that place!"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
First Dad Joke Was When I Was A Child
Me and my younger sister and my dad were hanging out at home. I was around 8 years old. My sister said she was bored. I told her to play a board game. My dad laughed.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 14 2020
What do you call a child trying to learn how to be an adult
Adult lessons (adolescence)
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 14 2020
What can you do if your child doesn't get a place in daycare?
You can send it to the Army. They always have places left in the infantry.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
What does a burnt baguette and an unwanted child have in common?
Didn't pull out fast enough.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 17 2020
I was reminded of the timeβs when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....
Those were the GOODYEARS.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
π︎ 49
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when Iβm down I go to the mall and use the elevator.
So it can lift me up and make my day better.
I tried to OC.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
read βtwixβ in a child accent it makes the meme better
π︎ 141
π
︎ Jun 03 2020
I boasted to my son, "Did you know scientists discovered that the brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born?" He rolled his eyes and ignored me, but I carried on...
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
An egg and some cream have a child, and get a divorce.
Last I heard, they now have split custard-y.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 28 2020
Child: can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 01 2020
I was a gifted child
Yeah, still havenβt met my real parents yet
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
What do you call a woman named Nancy who is carrying a child?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
I used to draw the child cast of the film ET.
I drewdrewbarrymoremoreandmore though.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
A ghost talking to the only child that can see him
"Look kid, I'm gonna be real with you"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.
We've made a massive mistake
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 25 2020
What would you call a man who was not breastfed as a child?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 04 2020
What did the skeleton say to his wife when he wanted to adopt a child?
I have some bones to pick with you.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
Poor child.
A child was born in Europe with no eyelids. They used his foreskin from the circumcision to create new eyelids for him. Everything turned out great, he's just a little cockeyed.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
My dad never loved me as a child..
In fairness, I wasnβt born until he was an adult
π︎ 60
π
︎ Jul 10 2020
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
β
My 9yr old son just told me this π€ͺ
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didnβt help me at all.
π︎ 175
π
︎ May 29 2020
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
What do you call a child conceived by incest?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 08 2020
When I was a child, I had trouble memorizing multiplication tables.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 03 2020
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time...
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didnβt laugh at any of them. Nevertheless Iβve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today sheβs in labor with our fourth and Iβve finally got her laughing...
I think Iβve really improved the delivery!
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
Do you know why I was sent to the coal mines as a child?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 08 2020
Did you hear about the coal mining startup that used child labor? Thankfully they caught it early.
So it was only a minor minor miner issue.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
There are many wonderful moments and beautiful sights when raising a child.
But the sight of your daughter stealing the last piece of chicken is truly breast taking.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 20 2020
My child came up to me and asked where her shoes were because she didn't want to go outside with barefeet
"BEAR FEET?!?! I only have human feet", I replied
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 15 2020
My dad didnβt love me as a child, but I donβt really blame him.
I wasnβt born until he was an adult.
π︎ 76
π
︎ May 08 2020
Demon [possessing my child]: π±π₯π’ π π₯π¦π©π‘ π¦π° πͺπ¦π«π’
Me: possession IS 9/10 of the law
Child: Iβm hungry and I want a toy and Iβm not going to nap today and-
Demon: π¦π° π¦π± ππ©π΄ππΆπ° π©π¦π¨π’ π±π₯π¦π°?
Me: itβs legally your problem now
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
My child recently told me that their gender can't be expressed by an integer fraction,
I'm supportive but that just seems irrational.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
Response to any time your child asks you when something happened.
Well son, you were in Baghdad back then.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 03 2020
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:
"No it's not, it's MUNday!"
The apprentice has now become the master.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
Me: hello 911?!? My wife is going into labor Op: is this her first child?!!?
Me: No this is her husband!!!
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
My parents took me to a child psychologist once, but that was a complete disaster.
The kid was only six years old.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
Where do you take someone whoβs been injured in a peak-a-boo accident?
π︎ 21k
π
︎ May 02 2020
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 24 2020
Back in the day, I used to be a madlad. Then I had a child....
Thatβs when I became a dadlad
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 30 2020
My husband walked into the proctologists office, and I knew then that the doctor must have a child as well when I heard the words from the other side of the door,
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
I'm convinced I had Covid as a child...
My mom tells me I was hospitalized with pneumonia after handling a bat.
Frankly, I'm amazed all baseball players don't have it.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 02 2020
Child: Dad, I don't think this dish is entirely edible
Dad: You can do it. Bay Leaf in yourself.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 31 2020
What did the buffalo say when his child left for college?
π︎ 21
π
︎ Apr 01 2020
What happened to the jewish childs foreskin?
π︎ 101
π
︎ Feb 08 2020
My son kept chewing on live electrical wires
π︎ 826
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
π︎ 118
π
︎ Mar 01 2020
Currently in the hospital after the birth of our third child. Wife talking to lactation consultant about supply vs demand.
I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 28 2020
Training for dad level jokes.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.
Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.
At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
As a child...
As a child growing up, everyone scoffed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian when I was older.
Well nobody is laughing now...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 07 2020
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 03 2020
As a child I lost some family members to choking. My brother choked, my mother choked and now I find out that my.....
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 14 2020
My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ May 12 2020
When dad took the family to Florida, we finally got to see the place his boat was docked as a child...
It was good to see dad's berth place.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 30 2020
My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I'm very happy
If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Sep 12 2019
Have you ever heard of a reverse exorcism?
Itβs when the devil tells a priest to exit the childβs body.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 18 2020
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking.
"No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
π︎ 85
π
︎ Dec 23 2019
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 10 2020
Sushi my child. Be silent.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 10 2020
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
π︎ 76
π
︎ Feb 28 2020
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries werenβt actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
A couple expecting a baby girl made a long list of possible names for a girl child, but only one name in the event that they have a boy. They ended up having a boy.
He was named Justin Case.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 18 2020
In light of current events, I've been doing some self reflection and I came to the conclusion that I need to be more like a German child.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 25 2020
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
π︎ 59
π
︎ Jan 05 2020
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.
His dad replied, "no son".
π︎ 45
π
︎ Dec 23 2019
If a child is refusing to take their nap or go to bed... can I call the cops on them?
Technically they are resisting a rest!
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jan 13 2020
If a child refuses to take a nap
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time.
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
When I was young my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didnβt help at all
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
π︎ 312
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
π︎ 21
π
︎ May 11 2020
What did the Buffalo say to his child?
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 23 2020
Why was the child arrest for not taking a nap?
He was guilty of resisting a rest.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 18 2020
What day was my child born on?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 29 2020
The roof is not my child
π︎ 96
π
︎ Dec 30 2019
Me: My wife is going into labor! Operator: Is this her first child?
Me: No itβs her husband......
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 01 2020
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
π︎ 154
π
︎ Nov 15 2019
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