Why did the paladin have to visit the tire shop after killing an innocent bystander?

Because he was out of alignment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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The Cat is Innocent!

I got very annoyed when I found one of our cats, Steve, perched on a manyberry berry pie I had just baked. I was ready to yell at him when my son - 12 at the time - exclaimed "Stop Mom! Don't yell... he's just an innocent Pie Stander!"

Steve was not yelled at.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpasticArdvaark
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Why was horse declared as innocent by the judge?

Because he de-neigh-ed everything.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ViShAl2212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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An insect once asked R.Kelly if he could prove he was innocent

He said β€œI believe i can, fly”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeisalone
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Who was the most innocent president?

Abraham Lincoln because he was in-a-cent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/33billings
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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Which American president was the least innocent?

Abraham Lincoln. He was in a cent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidus_somniorum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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An innocent father was prosecuted for lining his kids up and beating them with his bare hands.

"There was no punchline, your honor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/veehon
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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Why do innocent bakeries get mad by unwanted incoming calls?

Because they are on the doughnut call list

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aparks1437
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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I'm too innocent I should be called innodollar.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acsrujan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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The Code of Hammurabi, written on a stele, includes the concept of innocent before guilty

It is truly a momental piece in legal history.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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What do you get when you put 100 innocent people together?

An inno_dollar_.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noammac
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2017
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Started as in Innocent statement about a game I played
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Areyoucrazee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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Pronunciation saves the lives of innocent wallets

My wife called me up from the animal shelter the other day wanting to adopt a dog. Since money is tight current, I specifically said "0 canine". Now I'm the proud owner of 9 German shepherd pups and will from now on pronounce "0" as "Zero".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JebusDuck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2016
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If you steep an innocent fish in hot water...

does it become gill tea?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jchazu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2013
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I went to the museum and saw a painting of a criminal, who claimed his innocence and insisted the police planted evidence.

The frame was remarkable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strungen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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I told my friend I needed an insect to prove my innocence in court...

He told me to use an Aphid David.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavetheTurnip
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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He has a valid point.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/babydoll_bd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
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Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tankerman05
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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I hate google maps sometimes

It says "take the right lane to turn right to ...", but it doesn't tell me which lane is the right one and which lane is the wrong one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zerio13
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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What do you call a group of black men given the task of determining the innocence or guilt of a man?

A hung jury.

I'll get my coat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PakPak96
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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Convict: I plead not guilty Judge: What is your defense

Convict: Well if u r what you eat, I'm an innocent man.

(Credit to my man Bryce)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tricky_Nick007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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Who was the least guilty president?

Abraham Lincoln. He was in a cent (innocent).

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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What would you call a killer who went to prison because he killed someone’s ass?

An Ass-assin ( assassin)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackwayne0404
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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How did the cannibal plead guilty?

"Well, if you are what you eat, then I'm an innocent man!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redditsmeeh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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What is a pirate's favourite sport?

Barrrsketball

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lenzar86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/picard47at
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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Some friends were having a 92nd birthday party for their grandma

I said that's awesome, but you can't really have much of a party in a minute and a half.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adunahay
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2016
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Beautiful dad joke delivery on Australian national TV last night

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSf00ewCiko&feature=youtu.be&t=180

Includes all the important aspects of a good dad joke:

  • Innocent setup by unsuspecting teammate
  • Perfect delivery of terrible dad joke
  • High five from another shameless dad nearby
  • Look of severe disapproval from contest judge who can't believe you just did that in front of your entire country
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p-hodge
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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My four-year-old got me. So proud!

After watching the Lego Movie, he turns to me and asks, "Dad, how do you think they built all those legos??" His tone was one of that innocent wonder and I didn't want to ruin anything so I simply replied, "I have no idea!"

Without missing a beat he says, "Probably one brick at a time."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mckoond
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2017
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Dad-in-law hit me with this one last night...

He knocks on our door and before even stepping in, he goes "Did you hear about that guy across the road? He was taken away by the police last night when they found him getting high in the supermarket car park sniffing batteries."

"Sniffing batteries!? I didn't even know that was a thing. What do you reckon they're going to do with him?" I said innocently. Then I saw this big smug shit-eating grin, and immediately knew what was coming.

"I dunno, I'm guessing they're going to leave him in a dry cell until they figure out what to charge him with."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bthefreeman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
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Asked my son if he had brushed his teeth this morning...

He said, "Yeah, I brushed them with Daniel (little brother)."

I replied, "Most of us prefer to use a toothbrush. Does a better job."

"I did!"

me grinning at him

"Oh. Oh, mommy!"

He cracked up. I've still got it!

*Names changed to protect the innocent **Yes, I know I'm a mom, but it's still a dad joke. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/charityveritas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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The unexpected consequences of adding your dad to Facebook.

This is the story of a dad joke gone horribly (wonderfully) awry.

Early last week, I posted a status about my morning misadventures, which involved me accidentally putting face moisturizer on my toothbrush. This morning, my father reads this and decides to comment, "That's why I keep prep h in the cupboard." But he doesn't comment on my status. He writes this on my wall, without any context at all for innocent bystanders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SonofNeckbone
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2015
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A special one from my (gran)dad in traffic

We're driving up to university and the traffic is really bad because a town near the one my uni is in is hosting a massive airshow on the airbase they have there, so everyone is driving up small county roads to both university and the airshow.

After four hours sitting in tailbacks to travel 20-25 miles, my granda sighs and says, innocently, "What do they want to go and see air for anyway?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lgf92
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2013
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Dadjoking at work

My coworker came up to my desk to ask me a question so I pulled my headphones off. He started with "Say, Sally...". So I shouted "Sally", put my headphones back on, and continued working.

Note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/persephone11185
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2015
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G'day reddit. Been a dad since October 2014, and just yesterday these hit me..

It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this...

Q. How did the bacon get to hospital? A. In the HAMbulance.

Kinda just snowballed from there...

Q. How did the sheep get to hospital? A. In the RAMbulance.

Q. How did the oyster get to hospital? A. In the CLAMbulance.

Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital? A. In the JAMbulance.

I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one:

Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital? A. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance.

And my sister chimed in too:

Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital? A. In the DAMbulance.

The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop...THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN!

Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital? A. In the YAMbulance.

Q. How did the Indian get to hospital? A. In the PAPADAMbulance.

Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital? A. In the WIGWAMbulance.

Q. How did th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/azureal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
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Awkward encounter at Lowes today

I was purchasing a Square and level, an older man comes up to me and says "Don't worry I think you're innocent............. because you're obviously framed." I had to think for a while and he explained it was funny because of the tools I had in my hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/diddy403
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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Summer Home

Dad (Answering the phone): Smith* summer home! Summer home and summer not!

*The names have been changed to protect the innocent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dougman82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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Dad's Christmas dinner zinger

So my family are eating Christmas dinner together a few days early, when my mum innocently asks for the stuffing. Dad turns to me, "hey mate, your mother wants stuffing!". I lost my appetite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Draygn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
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Mooooooo!

Dad and I would be innocently walking around the food store and happen upon the prepared foods aisle when he would notice the Hamburger Helper boxes. He'd laugh to himself, just thinking about the lame joke he always tells before it even comes out of his mouth.

"What do you call a masturbating cow?!"

Normally the way a joke works is you wait for someone to interact with you, answer your question or at least acknowledge that you're telling a joke - not my dad. He yells at himself at the top of his lungs.

"BEEF STROGANOFF!! ...MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Really loudly. Way louder than any person should ever speak indoors. ..I miss him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LIL_Britty
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2013
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Frank and the Pilot's Hat.

The last few weeks have involved my grandmas senile boyfriend moving back to his kids' house while she deals with some medical issues. His kids happen to live on a ranch, so he's helping them out with the critters while he's there. While helping him move in, my dad finds a straw hat out on the porch. So my dad tells him

"Hey Frank, I found you a pilots hat."

To which the innocently senile Frank replies "A pilots hat? What do you suppose I'd do with that?

Dad replies "When you see some shit, you pile it"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShittDickk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2014
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Mr. Brightside

"He takes off her dress now..."

"Why was he wearing her dress?", My Dad

To the young innocent me, that was a puzzling question. (In case you have no idea, Mr. Brightside is a song by The Killers that was popular around 2004)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tygamer15
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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