I got very annoyed when I found one of our cats, Steve, perched on a manyberry berry pie I had just baked. I was ready to yell at him when my son - 12 at the time - exclaimed "Stop Mom! Don't yell... he's just an innocent Pie Stander!"
Steve was not yelled at.
Because he de-neigh-ed everything.
Because he was out of alignment.
He said “I believe i can, fly”
Abraham Lincoln. He was in a cent.
"There was no punchline, your honor."
Because they are on the doughnut call list
An inno_dollar_.
It is truly a momental piece in legal history.
My wife called me up from the animal shelter the other day wanting to adopt a dog. Since money is tight current, I specifically said "0 canine". Now I'm the proud owner of 9 German shepherd pups and will from now on pronounce "0" as "Zero".
does it become gill tea?
The frame was remarkable
Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they thanked her, they asked which shot she received. “Pfizer”, she said. The couple said, “Well we’re Moderna folks!” My daughter asked me why that mattered…. Well, I said… In 2 years, all of us Modera folks will have grown two heads and all of you Pfizer people will probably have four arms. My daughter then looks innocently at both my wife and I and said, “what about the people that got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?” My wife and I completely lost it… we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt. My daughter started laughing too, but had no idea.
He told me to use an Aphid David.
It says "take the right lane to turn right to ...", but it doesn't tell me which lane is the right one and which lane is the wrong one.
Because it was framed
An Ass-assin ( assassin)
Convict: Well if u r what you eat, I'm an innocent man.
(Credit to my man Bryce)
I said that's awesome, but you can't really have much of a party in a minute and a half.
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSf00ewCiko&feature=youtu.be&t=180
Includes all the important aspects of a good dad joke:
- Innocent setup by unsuspecting teammate
- Perfect delivery of terrible dad joke
- High five from another shameless dad nearby
- Look of severe disapproval from contest judge who can't believe you just did that in front of your entire country
“We didn’t start the fire”
After watching the Lego Movie, he turns to me and asks, "Dad, how do you think they built all those legos??" His tone was one of that innocent wonder and I didn't want to ruin anything so I simply replied, "I have no idea!"
Without missing a beat he says, "Probably one brick at a time."
He knocks on our door and before even stepping in, he goes "Did you hear about that guy across the road? He was taken away by the police last night when they found him getting high in the supermarket car park sniffing batteries."
"Sniffing batteries!? I didn't even know that was a thing. What do you reckon they're going to do with him?" I said innocently. Then I saw this big smug shit-eating grin, and immediately knew what was coming.
"I dunno, I'm guessing they're going to leave him in a dry cell until they figure out what to charge him with."
He said, "Yeah, I brushed them with Daniel (little brother)."
I replied, "Most of us prefer to use a toothbrush. Does a better job."
"I did!"
me grinning at him
"Oh. Oh, mommy!"
He cracked up. I've still got it!
*Names changed to protect the innocent **Yes, I know I'm a mom, but it's still a dad joke. :)
This is the story of a dad joke gone horribly (wonderfully) awry.
Early last week, I posted a status about my morning misadventures, which involved me accidentally putting face moisturizer on my toothbrush. This morning, my father reads this and decides to comment, "That's why I keep prep h in the cupboard." But he doesn't comment on my status. He writes this on my wall, without any context at all for innocent bystanders.
We're driving up to university and the traffic is really bad because a town near the one my uni is in is hosting a massive airshow on the airbase they have there, so everyone is driving up small county roads to both university and the airshow.
After four hours sitting in tailbacks to travel 20-25 miles, my granda sighs and says, innocently, "What do they want to go and see air for anyway?"
My coworker came up to my desk to ask me a question so I pulled my headphones off. He started with "Say, Sally...". So I shouted "Sally", put my headphones back on, and continued working.
Note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this...
Q. How did the bacon get to hospital? A. In the HAMbulance.
Kinda just snowballed from there...
Q. How did the sheep get to hospital? A. In the RAMbulance.
Q. How did the oyster get to hospital? A. In the CLAMbulance.
Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital? A. In the JAMbulance.
I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one:
Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital? A. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance.
And my sister chimed in too:
Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital? A. In the DAMbulance.
The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop...THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN!
Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital? A. In the YAMbulance.
Q. How did the Indian get to hospital? A. In the PAPADAMbulance.
Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital? A. In the WIGWAMbulance.
Q. How did the insomniac get to hospital? A. In the DIAZAPAMbulance.
Q. How did the baby get to hospital? A. In the PRAMbulance.
Q. How did The Flash get to hospital? A. In the SHAZAMbulance.
I went to bed around 8.30pm. NO SLEEP FOR ME, MORE DAD JOKES TO THINK ABOUT!
Q. How did Sean Penn get to the hospital? A. In the IAMSAMbulance.
Q. How did Dr Suess get to the hospital? A. In the SAMIAMbulance.
Q. How did the exhibitionist get to hospital? A. In the WEBCAMbulance.
Q. How did the 80's pop stars get to hospital? A. In the WHAMbulance.
Q. How did the air hostess get to hospital? A. In the PAN-AMbulance.
Q. How did the POW get to hospital? A. In the VIETNAMbulance.
I'm pretty much spent at this point, but thought I would share with you guys. Maybe you've got more of your own to add?
I was purchasing a Square and level, an older man comes up to me and says "Don't worry I think you're innocent............. because you're obviously framed." I had to think for a while and he explained it was funny because of the tools I had in my hand.
Dad (Answering the phone): Smith* summer home! Summer home and summer not!
*The names have been changed to protect the innocent
So my family are eating Christmas dinner together a few days early, when my mum innocently asks for the stuffing. Dad turns to me, "hey mate, your mother wants stuffing!". I lost my appetite.
Dad and I would be innocently walking around the food store and happen upon the prepared foods aisle when he would notice the Hamburger Helper boxes. He'd laugh to himself, just thinking about the lame joke he always tells before it even comes out of his mouth.
"What do you call a masturbating cow?!"
Normally the way a joke works is you wait for someone to interact with you, answer your question or at least acknowledge that you're telling a joke - not my dad. He yells at himself at the top of his lungs.
"BEEF STROGANOFF!! ...MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Really loudly. Way louder than any person should ever speak indoors. ..I miss him.
The last few weeks have involved my grandmas senile boyfriend moving back to his kids' house while she deals with some medical issues. His kids happen to live on a ranch, so he's helping them out with the critters while he's there. While helping him move in, my dad finds a straw hat out on the porch. So my dad tells him
"Hey Frank, I found you a pilots hat."
To which the innocently senile Frank replies "A pilots hat? What do you suppose I'd do with that?
Dad replies "When you see some shit, you pile it"
So my girlfriends dad goes in an ice cream shop and orders a large vanilla cone.
The employee asks if he would like jimmies
"No! I don't want jimmies, I want my own."
My face to my girlfriend http://memeguy.com/photos/images/mrw-i-make-a-dirty-joke-out-of-an-innocent-comment-from-my-dad-and-he-glares-at-me-24139.gif
"Well, if you are what you eat, then I'm an innocent man!"
Abraham Lincoln. He was in a cent (innocent).
