My priest prescribed a circuit of crunches, flutter kicks, bicycles, and plank holds for the guilt I confessed about neglecting my stomach muscles during workouts.

I finally received my abs solution.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterPlumbean
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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I would be showered with guilt
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awal0124
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.

I could not take the pane.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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I told my wife, β€œThe first stage of grief is guilt.”

She said, β€œIsn’t it denial?”

Me: No, not for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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Guilt

I was joking around with my mom when she hit me with this god their pun

Momβ€œyou remind me of a Jewish grandmother”

Meβ€œwhy”

Momβ€œbecause you give good guilt”

For non Jews gilt is a chocolate coin normally eaten on Chanukah

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Karateninja55
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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Historians are now saying that Abraham Lincoln never felt guilt or shame...

He was in a cent.

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πŸ“…︎ May 25 2016
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Someone's got to gulp down the guilt.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JesusTexasRanger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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So a salt shaker and a battery walk into a...
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2016
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The long game

So a bus conductor in America was doing his job one day, happily printing and checking tickets all day long, enjoying the country views and feeling good about life.

A young lad gets on, chewing gum and being as loud and rude as all teenage lads are. There’s no-one else on the bus, so the conductor takes his ticket machine and bops the lad over the head, killing him. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

He gets his job back and puts the whole incident behind him. Until one day, a little old lady gets on the bus and starts to pay for a ticket in one cent coins. After about 10 minutes of fiddling with change, the conductor runs out of patience and bops the old lady on the head, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

After getting his job back again, life seems to go well for the conductor, until one day a young lady gets on the bus, casually putting her feet on the seat opposite. By now, the conductor is a little less lenient than in years gone by, so he takes his ticket machine and bops her over the head with it, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards ar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodAngel1982
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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My son wanted to go for a costly trip

So I reminded him about all things he could have achieved in life if he hadn't left college.

A guilt trip is still a trip right?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nastynash2k
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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Having Jewish and Catholic ancestors...

it’s been difficult to distinguish between gelt and guilt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoenigbaer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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Long one...

DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2ND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doogsie125
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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I really regret not watching a certain TV show in the 80's.....

......I guess I'm just experiencing Macguyver's guilt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2016
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