Life is full of complications....

Even when you're born, there is a string attached.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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I’ve been trying to solve a complicated maths question to take my mind off my constipation. Today, using only a pencil and sheer determination...

I finally worked it out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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A man in a drug trial died from a complication which dissolved his pneumogastric nerve, the coroner listed the cause of death as...

"in vivo lost vagus"

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I have a fear of overly complicated buildings

I have a complex complex complex

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thenoblegoose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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A lot of people think that Avril, who sang songs like "Complicated", is dead.

This is untrue, she is actually still Lavigne.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFillywonk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I don't want to get too complicated saying this joke

So all I'll do is complain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ifiwere2ask
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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It's Complicated.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CriticalGeode
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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What is the most complicated thing that is made by humans with wood?

Babies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisCGCToo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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I'm trying to work out a complicated maths equation with a broken calculator

But it’s only adding to the problem

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πŸ‘€︎ u/asussed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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making a blade is really hard...

It's sword of complicated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/your_dog_is_gay_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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What do you call someone who has the name billy and he's complicated?

Billy MAZE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paper-machete56
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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get it? because the character is more complicated?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/That9gagDude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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Keep em together
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AisianToenail
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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All my friends have such long and complicated bucket lists.

Mine is a little pail in comparison.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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My sisters having some pregnancy complications, unsure if it's going to be a natural delivery or a c section. My dad dropped this one.

When are they planning, to call in that order for delivery or is it going to be takeout?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RalphJameson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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Bullets don't kill

It's the speed that does

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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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I know a complicated word nobody else does...

Anticlimax

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TryingToCareLess
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
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My mom was talking about pairing wine with food: "Some people over complicate it. This one with sea creatures, that one for everything else"

Dad:

> ...'C' creatures... like cows? Chickens?

Mom:

> .............

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mynameipaul
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2016
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This is not a drill
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KKScylla
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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Food contamination warning!

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prawncracker92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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My coworker's grandfather is in the hospital with complications from his diabetes. He was told he might lose his leg.

He responded, "But I'm so attached to it!"

Thank you to my friend/coworker and her grandfather for having a sense of humor and not having an issue with me exploiting him for that sweet, sweet karma.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grimfel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2017
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Normal is just the same as average...

So if thats true then depending on where you are you would be of an average race, have average hair, etc.

And going down from that, alot of people have the same name, making certain names normal or "average".

What im saying is, thats a really complicated way to find the average Joe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superdolmiosauce
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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Did you hear about the guy who killed himself cause the doctor had to amputate his toes due to complications with diabetes?

I guess he was also lack toes intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperScopeSix
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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My girlfriend left me because I didn't answer her when she asked me for an eleven letter synonym of "complex".

It's complicated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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When life gets complicated..

If you don't like cheddar, eat jack... Life could always be Gouda.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mperrie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2015
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Complications of Life
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abenfVA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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I'm on my way

My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!

Edit: We got him a couple hours ago! Everything went well, no complications. Thanks reddit strangers for the comments and well wishes. I know the rules say nothing identifying, 'oh when' ever they change that I'll post his name. Goodnight everyone, I have to try and nap before his feeding

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspiringBuddhist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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My two-year old's first dad joke!

Him: "Mommy, I want cookie!"

Mommy: "Can you say please?"

Him: "Yes."

#prouddadtears

Edit Sorry for the messed up hyphen in the title.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainCloudsz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2014
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My dad is in the hospital and king of dad jokes.. I'd love to make him a little book

Hi! My dad had a heart attack last week, then went home, less than 12 hours later was back in with a one in a million fluke chance that he'd have complication. He's been in for a week now and was told he is nothing short of a miracle. I'm pregnant and can't really go see him often in ICU because of the very very sick people, but I wanted to do something special and thought i'd ask here. He is pretty down about the whole thing, usually pretty active guy keeping himself busy but I would love to create a little book for him to cheer him up. Nothing crazy but maybe some great jokes to keep him on the cheery side I might include a little art for him too with the joke. Thanks everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vulgarwanderer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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My roomate's brother makes a duck call.

So My roomate invited me to his family Thanksgiving/holiday party yesterday. After dessert we're all sitting around and the children present are being rowdy. My roomate's brother calls them all over to our table and insists on showing them how to make a duck call. He begins ripping apart an empty soda can and wrapping it up in a very complicated fashion with a napkin and a plastic fork. He meticulously takes the top off, makes strips of metal, and winds them into this plastic fork. He carries on like this for about five minutes, the children utterly transfixed, sit watching until his creation is finally "complete". He then holds it up to his mouth, inhales, and shouts: "HERE DUCKY DUCKY DUCKY!!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilboBaggins93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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I live in a complex building...

No point explaining, it's complicated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SchlonkyKong
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Pay (F)

When i was born, i was ugly, my mothers doctor told me mum there were some complications at birth, she asked, " What do you mean?" the doctor said, " I did all i could, but he pulled through anyways! "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bargle_dook
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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My Grandpa told the longest buildup to the "dad"-est joke I've ever heard.

So there was a murderer and his name was Ardy. His last name was too long and complicated and everyone knew him in town, so everyone called him "Ardy". One of his buddies asked him to kill this guy for $3000 and after Ardy did a bit of research, he realized he knew him and had a grudge against him for years. So Ardy told the guy: "I hate this guy so much, I'll kill him for free."

Ardy's buddy said "Are you sure? I gotta give you something!"

So Ardy said, "Ok ok. I'll do it for a dollar."

The next morning, the guy was at Meijer (A grocery store) and Ardy came up behind him and choked him with his scarf. When he was done killing him, there was a woman screaming at him to stop. So Ardy had to choke her with his scarf too. After that, he ran to his car and there was an old man watching him, so Ardy went over and choked him too. In the middle of killing the old man, the police pulled up and arrested Ardy. After a bit of interrogation, Ardy admitted to killing all of them, and especially the first guy for only a dollar.

The next morning, the headlines read:

Ardy Chokes 3 for a Dollar at Meijer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Legownz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2016
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My Dad caught me off guard yesterday

Yesterday I was trying to explain the birthday paradox to my dad, which states that in a group of 23 people, there's a 50% chance of two of them having the same birthday.

Me: "the reason why two people probably have the same birthday is really complicated math."

Dad: "I already know why."

Me: "oh? Why?"

Dad: "because they were born on the same day."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joyfulmastermind
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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Preparing for my brother's wedding

My brother got married recently. While we were getting dressed in our tuxedos, my dad and my brother's wife's sister's husband, who is a gynecologist, were trying to figure out how to tie my brother's bow tie (the rest of us had clip-ons).

They were watching a video as my gyno-in-law carefully followed along. My dad said, 'It's so complicated. So many folds.' And my brother's wife's sister's husband said, 'good thing I'm a gynecologist'

posted this story as a comment in a recent r/AskReddit post. Thought you'd like it too

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alydm
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2016
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Sneeze.

Whenever I say a complicated sounding word my Dad, about 90% percent of the time, replies with "Bless you!". Usually followed with laughter to himself and a slap on the thigh.

Anyone else?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fruzz92
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2013
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Not my first but it felt good:

My newborn daughter is currently in the NICU recovering from a heart condition which had caused some respiratory complications. Because of these respiratory complications she had been intubated since birth until just a few days ago which had prevented her from learning how to breast feed. This morning, I told my wife to keep me updated with how things are going as she spent some time with our daughter so that I could get some of life's necessities completed. My wife then sent me a text explaining that the doctors had decided to allow our daughter to breast feed and that our daughter had just "latched" for the first time. I responded, "That's great news! Thanks for keeping me abreast!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BALTIM0RE
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2015
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It's the birthday of my Polish speaking father-in-law

Seconds away from seeing him I thought to ask how to say Happy Birthday, she just said it's complicated.

Dad: DzieΕ„ dobry

Her: Wszystkiego Najlepszego Z Okazji Urodzin!

Me: It's Complicated!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatherSquee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2016
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My 6th grade teacher was the king of dad jokes.

My 6th grade teacher had a reputation of being the meanest, strictest teacher on campus, but once I made it through his class, I realized he could be a jokester, too.

-In math class, he liked to tell a long, complicated story about a boy encountering a genie, eventually wishing for some odd things, just to end it with the punchline, "Gee, I'm a tree." (geometry)

-Another one of his long jokes consisted of a man being chased by a hearse. In a fit of desperation, he throws some Halls throat lozenges at it...."and the coffin went away."

-During study time, he would sometimes grab a balloon from his desk, blow it up, and proceed to slowly let air out of it, just to produce the squeaky noise.

-His favorite short joke: "Doctor, doctor, I broke my arm in three places!" "I advise you to stay out of those places."

-He was also probably the all-time leader of correcting, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

-He would also occasionally play opera music at the end of the day, not dismissing the class until we made it through an entire song without laughing.

-There were also a couple words that incited a specific reaction from him. Many of these words showed up often in history class, which is his favorite subject (probably because of all the jokes):

Anyway, it was a fun year with that teacher. I'll add more of his quirks if I think of any.

-Also,

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyei8hts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
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not making any cents

while talking to my 7 yr old son i tell him of the complications of war and politics during dinner one evening. My son says to me, "Dad that doesn't make any sense..." to which i replied, " son, that's b/c im not at work..."

he always replies, "NOT THAT KIND OF CENTS!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elonc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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I have a fear of over complicated industrial facilities

It's a complex complex complex

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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