When going on a roller coaster, bring some screws and nuts with you.
When it's half way up, scream at the people in the front seats, "SHIT DUDE, THESE JUST CAME OFF FROM YOUR SEATS. "
What kind of reptile do you bring on an expedition?
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”
She said, “Yeah.”
I said, “I knew it!”
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.
They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
If i’m scared to go on a flight, i always bring a bomb.
Because what’s the chance of being 2 bombs on 1 flight?
I wasn’t allowed to bring my board game onto the aeroplane as a carry on luggage.
They said that The Risk was too big.
What's one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat?
LEEKS.
(my 10yo told me this - he said he thought it up himself.)
A suspicious looking spacecraft landed on Earth to bring back to life ray-finned fish. But one spacecraft wasn't sufficient, so more arrived.
I think it was extra to restore eels
When I was on Naked and Afraid, I went out gathering food. I was able to find 2 small slugs to bring back to camp...
It was slimy pickings for dinner that evening.
My wife called and told me we have an ant infestation. She and asked me to bring home something good for the ants on my way home.
She looked really angry when I came home with sugar cubes.
Who brings baby sharks their presents on Christmas?
My dad asked me to turn on the water heater. To which I replied “It’s on”. Only to see my dad run across the kitchen yelling “It’s on okay bring it no holding back!”
A man I know brings cheese from home to put on his fast food burgers instead of paying extra.
He's a pretty Krafty guy.
My dad, to me: "If you ever decide to run around naked on a drunken night, always bring Windex with you."
I asked him what he meant by that.
He said "It prevents you from streaking."
I have to admit I actually genuinely laughed at that one.
I tried to bring two dead chickens with me on my flight, but they said I was only allowed one carrion.
My daughter asked me to bring her something hard to write on, but I don’t know why she got so mad at me...
It’s pretty hard to write on sand...
A man once looked up and saw his cows on a mountain. He panicked and decided to bring them down but was really scared to do so.
Why?
Because the steaks were very high!
What furry creature with big ears brings network connectivity to children on a particular Sunday every April?
Whenever we go on holiday, I never bring my plastic bag.
I always forget to packet.
Why did I bring a dead bird on the plane?
Because it was my carryon luggage.
What did the vulture bring on the airplane?
Some people see names engraved on trees and think that it is sweet. I think, who brings a knife on a date?
Why did the wealthy golfer bring his chauffer on the course?
His caddy said he needed a driver.
I flew home for Christmas and decided to bring back a global domination-themed board game. I recognize that it could have been dangerous to bring that game on the plane...
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Next time I go on a date, I'm gonna bring moss instead of flowers...
So she knows I've taken a lichen to her.
Why should you bring an extra sock with you on the golf course?
In case you get a hole in one.
Work IT and girl brings laptop that she spilled coffee on
As protocol, we always recommend that the client turns off their laptop after a spill.
My boss walks by and says "You know, she's gonna have to put her laptop to sleep but now it won't be able to!"
On Sundays when my dad brings home breakfast desserts from the bakery...
Me: "Hey Dad, what's in the box?"
Dad: "That box? Nah that's just a box of trash! I found it on the side of the road!"
Me: "Really! C'mon Dad, whatcha get?"
Dad: "I'm telling you, it's a box of trash!"
My dad has never failed to use this line any time he gets that mysterious white box of baked goods (be it crumb cake, donuts, or cinnamon buns), and it's never failed to make me run immediately to the box to see what was really in it.
Raising 6 kids mostly on her own meant my Grandma had bring the dad jokes too.
My cousin just asked if he could borrow $20 to buy a box of diapers and he would give it back to her next week.
She says, "I have the money but what am I going to do with a box of diapers?"
A dad on vacation brings out dadjokes galore
I asked my dad if our hotel had any blankets. He came into the room, chucked one at me and said, "Here's a throw!"
We were discussing things to bring on our upcoming trip to Hawaii
My sister suggested bringing her waterproof camera to take pictures while we snorkel, and I advised her to look up the owner's manual to make sure that it could handle salt water.
Me: The salt water might wreck the seal.
Dad: Would it wreck the walrus?
All: groan
What's the worst vegetable to bring on a boat?
I wasn’t allowed to bring in my board game as a carry on luggage on to the aeroplane.
They said the Risk was too big.
I wasn’t allowed to bring my board game on to the plane as a carry on luggage.
They said the Risk was too big.
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