Blank Out Puns

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

"Ain't those lumpy farts the shits?"

This is my favorite joke my dad told me. He passed away 11 years ago. When we were cleaning out his stuff, I found a blank book where he had written a bunch of dumb one-liners and favorite quotes. I photocopied them, cut them apart, and gave my sisters each an envelope full of dad's wisdom. I wish I could have seen their faces when they pulled this one out!

My sister gave me one of his old cowboy hats this week, so I've been wearing it a lot and thinking of him. Hope y'all got a chuckle out of this one.

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept running into a problem. I wasn’t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - I’d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesn’t look bad, etc. But one of the guys who’d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.

Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.

An art critic was judging paintings at an event.

The first one was a bland painting of the earth. not too bad, but nothing out of this world.

The second one was a blank painting. Why they even turned it it, don’t ask.

The third one though. The third one was a beautifully crafted painting of a sheep.

The art critic turned to the artist. All they had to say was, “Wow, I am wooly astonished. The shear amount of detail of this art ewe made, which definitely lambs you into first place. This might be way pasture standards, but too baaad, don’t be sheepish. This piece definitely separates the sheep from the goats, it will definitely farm you some moo-lah.

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

Me: "I scared the crap out of her!"

3 year old gives me a blank stare.

Me: "Sorry, that joke stinks."

3 year old goes back to watching her show.

I told her they should get the Nobel Prize.

She just stared at me blankly for 8 seconds until she said.... “check out is at 10”

I work as an auditor and was out doing a review for a cemetery. I was having him explain their costing, and he said it costs around $3 per body in the ground. I quickly replied "Well that's dirt cheap!"

His blank stare said it all.

So I have a funny anecdote from work but my friends don't like puns as much as I do, so I'm hoping someone here will appreciate it. This happened last night.

My lead walked up to me to let me know a coworker wasn't there, he says, "Bill is dead and we killed him." I give him a blank stare because I didn't comprehend him immediately and he goes, "it was a reference to Nietzsche." (German philosopher known for "God is dead and we killed him.") "it was a Neitzsche joke." So I responded with "that's cool bud, but I believe it's pronounced 'niche'." He stutters for a moment, "no, it's- oh." I burst out into laughter and he walks away with a "fuck you". 😂

"So, I put a paper in the mailboxes of a few teachers."

"Oh jeez. What did you do this time?"

"I typed a Word Document that said 'Please fill out this form' and left the rest of the page blank. dad cackle

You shoulda heard what they were saying: 'Why did they give ME one? Did YOU get one?' Everyone was losing their minds!"

Buddy - "just dug a hole in the concrete with out any problems"

Me - "nice, looks like it cement to be"

Buddy - blank stare "you should be a dad so your 'dad jokes' can just be 'jokes'"

That was a couple weeks ago, so this past weekend I asked how it was going.

Buddy - "just finished laying the tile down."

Me - "awesome, I grout you'll have any problems here on out."

Buddy - "get out of my house."

I was at my parent's house laying on the couch and browsing this subreddit when decided to try a few dadjokes out on my mom. Afterwards, she just stared at me blankly. O asked her if she thought I was stand-up comedy material, and she replied, without missing a beat:

"Honey... there's a reason why you're sitting down"

Last night at a restaurant, my son started to spell out things he wanted. Wether it was to annoy us, or keep my 4 year old daughter in the dark on the different kinds of ice cream, he succeeded on both fronts. Anyways, my wife goes "Enough, stop!". And he proceeds to go " e-n-o-u-g-h s-t-o-p". Then I chime in and say "one more time, and your in trouble, you are very annoying, use your words".

After a blank look on his face for a few seconds, the kind he and I both get when we are plotting something, he looks at me and simply says..... " Okay"

I'm texting a friend and made a joke about his height which he responded with "that's a low blow". I wanted to make a snappy comeback with something along the lines of "I guess you could say it was a _________" but I'm drawing a blank. Maybe you can help out? :)

The other day my girlfriend and I went out for lunch. The waitress came around to collect our empty plates, and asked if we had saved room for dessert. My girlfriend's reply was, "No, thank you, I'm stuffed."

The waitress said, apparently believing it was under her breath and inaudible, a squeaky, drawn-out, "Hiiiiii stuffffed ...." then walked away with our plates, and wearing a blank expression.

So I would imagine he would probably be pretty proud of me sharing his "jokes" on here. Even though they were a persistent annoyance for me growing up, I almost feel like sharing them with the Reddit world kind of takes away some of the specialness. I can't claim any of these are original, but outside of my father, I've never heard anyone else use them.

#1. Whenever he has to pay for anything ANYWHERE, he says, "my name is Crime". The usual reaction is a blank stare. Then he says, "Crime doesn't pay".

#2. Anytime we go out to a restaurant and the waiter comes to hand us our check he says, "No thanks we can't stay for the drawing, you can contact us by phone if we win anything".

#3. The mother of all his "dad jokes", this one elicits the most laughter. Anytime he tells someone how he met my mom he says, "In college I used to be her tutor. I tutored her in anatomy by braille".

He'll on occasion drop others, but those are the ones I grew up with and that he still continues to use to this day. The crime joke. Every. Single. Day. I'm surprised my mother hasn't murdered him after all these years...

Hanging out with a pair of soldiers, who invited me on a ruck with them in a few days. One says "I'll bring my assault pack." The other says "I'll bring assault pack too! Hey TheVillain117 do you have one?" Without missing a beat I say "No, I have a pepper pack." Followed by a shit eating grin. They stared with blank faces for a few seconds then groaned/eyerolled as they caught the dadjoke. As pennance I have to carry 75lbs instead of fifty.

I was eating lunch at work one day and someone brought in some Laffy Taffy. Before I could even think about what I was saying, I blurted out "I like most kinds of taffy, but Laffy Taffy always tastes kind of funny to me"

I got 3 blank stares and one person who groaned.

After coming in from grabbing some the firewood, my wife exclaimed "oh! We need sticks!" referring to kindling to start the fire.

In my best Dennis DeYoung, I started belting out "Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me!"

Then, with a shit eating grin, I said "Is that enough Styx for ya!?"

Unfortunately she had no idea what I was talking about and just looked at me blankly as I fell to the floor in laughter.

We were working inside a walk-in freezer and my co-worker says to me, "It's a little chilly in here!", to which I respond "No, I don't think it's a small jalapeño." He stared at me blankly for a minute and then burst out laughing.

So we were all walking out of a restaurant last night and this was the exchange between my dad and a complete stranger wearing a Foo Fighters shirt which i didn't realize till after the exchange. Dad "How are the fighters?" Stranger " Huh?" Dad "Well they have been fighting the Foo for years, was just curious if they are making any progress."
I laughed but the guy was blanked faced. It's because i am a dad now and have a taste for it.

I was registering a vehicle to my name that I bought off a guy who had a lean out on it. The credit union who was holding the title took forever and a day to send it my way. Well in California, you need to transfer the vehicle in under five days of the purchase. Unknowingly, I waltz into the joint expecting a boom bam thank you ma'am process. Low and behold the clerk says I owe a hundred and some odd bucks for being late, but I explained her the situation and since it was not my fault she flopped the form to waive this fee.

I saw my opportunity and I pounced...

"So this is the....Tidal Wave?"

I get a blank stare for a solid ten seconds and she slaps down another form saying that I owe 500 dollars in taxes. Good ol' California DMV.

So walking through the kitchen area there was a bunch of yellow caution tape over the sink. Which brought this awesome interchange about.

Co-Worker: I guess that sink must be broken.

Me: Nah... they just want us to be really cautious while using it.

Co-Worker glances out of the corner of his eye in a sort of blank stare / glare look. Success was mine that day!

So I work at a help desk at school and we're out of blank paper. A girl comes up and goes "Where's the scratch paper?". I immediately get some paper and start scratching it and proceed to give it to the girl. My coworker's dead silent and so it the girl who wanted paper.

Background: Head on a swivel = slang for "quick reflexes", more or less.

So some of us were taking a water break on the bench, when I spotted a wild baseball traveling right for my head going about 80 mph out of the corner of my eye. I lifted my glove and caught it in the most nonchalant way I could.

Team mate: Wow dude, way to keep your head on a swivel.

Me: Oh, no, my head is on a neck.

Team mate: blank stare

A group of friends and I have gone to Bonnaroo (a music festival, for those who aren't aware) the past two years. this year, my friends dad decided to tag along with us, and he is one of those dads who is chill as hell and doesn't really care about the obvious drug use that occurs at festivals. while we were all hanging out at our campsite, a guy approached our campground and asked "hey, do any of you guys want some mushrooms?" my friend's dad, who was fully aware what shrooms are, was the first to respond, saying "nah, mushrooms are my least favorite pizza topping." the guy just kind of blankly stared for a second, then walked away as we all laughed/groaned.

The question was: "This t-shirt fad is getting out of hand. I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt with the map of Italy on it. She had the biggest BLANK I every saw!"

Most popular answer was "Meatballs". Writers must have been cringing...

Not one of them said: "Naples"

My family was all eating spaghetti around the kitchen table one night when my Dad just started chuckling out of nowhere, spaghetti sauce falling down his shirt. His laughs quickly got louder and more food began to fall out of his mouth. Everyone immediately knew what was up.

"So...haha, so what do you get when you cross a cat with some fireworks?"

We blankly stare back. "What?"

"Kitty Kitty Bang Bang!"

He then just stared at us all laughing, tears in his eyes. My mom got up and left the room.

So this guy has a talking dog, which he brings to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent, "Okay, sport," the guy says to the dog, "What's on top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds, "all dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait" the guy says. He asks the dog what sandpaper feels like. "Rough" the dog replies. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He began to lose his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says, turning to his dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" the dog answered. The talent agent, having seen enough, kicks them out of his office and into the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

I have no words to describe how angry I am...

.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'