My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
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︎ Dec 31 2020
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
π︎ 17k
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︎ May 06 2020
I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."
I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."
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︎ Nov 05 2020
My kid asked me what's my favorite month and I answered, "July".
She asked again: Why July?
I said: I didn't lie.
π︎ 56
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︎ Aug 21 2020
Today, I asked who left their cold-smoked herrings on the ground at the market but no one answered.
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︎ Aug 23 2020
When I bought my friend an elephant for their room, they said thank you. I answered...
βDonβt mention it.β
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︎ Jun 25 2020
I asked my dermatologist why my skin is so itchy a year ago, and he still hasnβt answered me.
Iβm starting to think that he doesnβt want to make a rash decision.
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 10 2020
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.
π︎ 227
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︎ Dec 03 2019
Looking up at the calendar today, my son asked me, "If April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?" I answered, "I don't know, what?"
He laughed and shouted, "Pilgrims!"
π︎ 3
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︎ May 01 2020
The call was answered .
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︎ Jan 15 2020
The teacher asked, "what does the nose fill with?" Jimmy answered, "boogers."
The teacher replied, "good but that's snot the answer I was looking for."
π︎ 28
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︎ Jan 07 2020
My son got into a fist fight with his music teacher because he wrongly answered a question in his test. When he told me the story I just could say one thing...
"Son, violins is not the answer".
π︎ 22
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︎ Nov 22 2019
I answered the door this morning. A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat old man...
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!
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︎ Oct 21 2019
A genie asked, "Whatβs your first wish?" Steve answered, "I wish I was rich."
And the genie said, "Whatβs your second wish, Rich?"
π︎ 345
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︎ Jun 27 2018
Someone asked me what kind of Pokemon I would be. I answered Nidoran bc I wanna be δ½ ηδΊΊ.
δ½ ηδΊΊ οΌni de ren) = your person
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 16 2019
I asked my son, "Hey, what do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?" He shrugged and said he had no idea, so I answeredβ¦
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 22 2019
How did I get into computer software? I was very confused about what to do in university, so I asked my dad... He was wearing a Nike tshirt, and he answered me by pointing at his chest, where this was written: Just do IT.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jul 13 2019
I almost answered the phone when my talkative German brother-in-law was calling me, but thankfully I recognized the number.
π︎ 31
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︎ Jun 30 2019
A question which needs to be answered!!
Do oranges are named ora ges because oranges are orange or orange is named orange cuz oranges are orange?
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 04 2019
My dad told me he only mowed half the lawn. I asked which half. He answered:
π︎ 10
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︎ Jul 08 2019
The sexuality of Yoda was never really clear. When asked if he was gay he answered:
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 02 2019
What did the Martian paramedic say when the caller answered the door?
"Take me to your bleeder."
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 19 2019
A friend of mine sells supplements for a living and he stopped by the house. My wife answered the door.
I yelled to her to go ahead and vitamin.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jul 22 2018
When his wife answered the phone and found out the call was for him, John the fisherman couldn't answer.
He was on the other line.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 23 2018
"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" asked my son. "Ravens have seventeen wing feathers with the end feather called a pinion, in contrast to crows having only sixteen wing feathers." I answered.
I continued, "Therefore, it's just a matter of a pinion."
π︎ 13
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︎ Dec 03 2018
My 4-year old answered questions for Father's Day.
I'm proud.
https://i.imgur.com/6y1Kp2l.jpg
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 15 2018
What did one pencil tell the other when it answered a question in class?
π︎ 16
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︎ Apr 07 2018
Answered Prayers
Me and some buddies rented a cabin last week. The plants by the porch attracted a lot of monarch butterflies. As we were watching them a Praying Mantis grabs a hold of one. As we watched the butterfly thrash around in odd quiet reverence I said, "Well, I guess it's an Answered Prayer Mantis now"
One guy told me I was going to be a great Dad.
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 12 2018
I called a customer help line about some problems I was having with my computer. The guy who answered just said βjofkeβ and hung up...
The customer service was an Fβin joke
π︎ 8
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︎ Jul 05 2018
My friend asked me βhowya been?β and I answered..
I benβ at the arms, I benβ at the legs.. I benβ good!
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 27 2018
I got a call in the middle of the night, and when I answered, the person on the other end of the lineβs teeth were chattering...
Turns out it was a cold caller!
π︎ 2
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︎ May 06 2018
I just called the zoo to complain about the caged baguette. No one answered.
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 28 2018
Called a business to get a quote... The Guy that answered is definitely a dad.
P- "Hello, Peter speaking"
D- "Hi Peter, this is Daniel speaking."
P- "We must be related!"
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︎ Aug 30 2014
I used to go over to my grandmother's house in the middle of the night and drink earl grey with her. It was our ritual. I called this evening out of habit, forgetting she had passed away, and her ghost answered.
I guess you could call it a boo-tea call.
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 31 2015
Today at the Dairy I was standing at the cow barn and a woman turned to me and asked, "Do they milk the male cows too." I answered, "only if they are lucky"
π︎ 18
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︎ Aug 18 2014
I picked up the phone to someone who sneezed as I answered
Turns out it was a cold caller.
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 25 2016
My dad just answered the phone to my mums friend Val who he barely knows and I heard the conversation....
Val: Hi Ray, it's Val here.
Ray: Hi Val here it's Ray!
Val: Erm oh (pause) is Mary there please?
Ray: Yes Val here, I will just pass you over to her.
Seriously I hate my dad sometimes. At what age does it become acceptable for your humour to deteriorate to this?
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 15 2015
Dad got me after I answered a bunch of Jeopardy questions.
Mom: You should try to go on the show, you're pretty smart.
Dad: I think his ass is smarter than his head.
Mom: Meaning he's a smartass?
Me: Get it mom? Its a pun.
Dad: No it's a bun.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 02 2016
When asked the date, my friend answered, "July one"...
I asked, "so who lost?"
It was fun watching his face change expression as he tried to figure out what I meant, then the penny dropped, and he glared at me. There may have been threats that involved throwing objects at me.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jul 02 2015
My dad was so excited to call and tell me this one. He was already laughing when I answered the phone.
A guy walks into his dentist's office and says "Doc, I think I might be a moth."
The dentist replies, "ok.....so why did you come in here?"
The man says, "because the light was on."
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︎ Oct 14 2013
I answered the phone and the other person just hung up on me
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 30 2015
Kid asked me a question in English about Spanish; I answered in German; he understood.
Kid: Is "nueve" ten?
Me: Nein.
π︎ 6
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︎ May 25 2014
I asked my sis what she was doing. She answered "I'm textin"
I yell "weren't you born in California!!!"
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 27 2015
At least my dad answered the question. Somewhat.
Me: Hey, what blood type are you?
Dad: The red kind.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 23 2014
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
π︎ 99
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︎ Apr 01 2020
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Oct 27 2018
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