There is a lot of concern amongst the flat earth brigade with regards social distancing.

They’re worried it’s going to push people over the edge......

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrP8978
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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What is the most popular book of the Bible amongst frat boys?

DUDEronomy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrhjx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Did you hear about the new disease spreading amongst the juggalos?

Doctors advise you steer clear of Whoop Whooping Cough

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Which brand of vacuums is most popular amongst anti vaxers?

Dyson

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamA3dot14
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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My friend went with a tour group to the capital of South Korea and got lost amongst the crowd...

It took a little Seoul searching, but he eventually found his way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Why does a dock master check wander out onto the docks? To be amongst his piers.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trajanman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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What was the most popular movie amongst the ancient Celts?

Woad House.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xSkeletalx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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What's the most common disease amongst wizards and witches?

HogWarts,

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Udjasen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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What do you call the first amongst one-legged transformers?

Hoptimus Prime

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πŸ‘€︎ u/geekdotneo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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I have a reputation amongst my friends for cheesy dad jokes this one is the one I'm most proud of.

So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.

The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.

I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"

Doctor says "Of course."

I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."

The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"

I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BruceWaynesWorld
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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Read a sad news article about rising depression statistics amongst dwarves

Apparently, only one in seven calls themselves happy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClownPrinceOfMime
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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My dad won "Most Likely To Surprise You" amongst his graduating senior class

Nobody saw it coming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostwriter0o0o0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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What was the general consensus amongst seals in regard to the new club scene ?

It was a hit!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElCarabo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2017
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In my mission to promote medical marijuana amongst marine birds,

I shall leave no tern unstoned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pedantichrist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
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What's the most common second language amongst dads?

Pun-jabi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tamachan_87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2017
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What's the most popular instrument amongst rich people?

Goldman Sax.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elmaninho
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2017
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A women was getting petrol at a petrol station and spilt some on her arm.

She rubbed the petrol off and drove away. While on the road, she lit a cigarette and her arm caught on fire. Concerned, she started waving her arm out the side of the car.

Amongst all this, the police pulled her over. "What am I under arrest for?" The officer replied "for having a firearm"

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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The traveller

It was somewhere around the 6th century after the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, an Anglish man was travelling through Normandy when he sees a local labouring the fields, and asks:

"Hello. What does it take to become a mercenary amongst your King's regiments?"
"Not that much - to be Frank."
"I see. I better give up then.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roosterington
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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Why don’t Captain America and Dr. Strange respect each other?

Because there’s no honor amongst Steves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheXMarkSpot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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So a meeting stretched on for a bit too long, and the client said 'I wouldn't mind a light lunch'.'

So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED?'

Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though.

I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him.

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πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
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I hear IT people are the main reason the US has not switched to metric

So many people who are pro gram amongst them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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Wife dad joked me so hard but didn't notice

We have to buy so much milk in our household because I'm such a serial dad joker. Amongst all my friends and family, even at my wedding, it was noted about my bad jokes. My wife of one week tolerates my humour, but doesn't ever attempt to play along with dad jokes or make any of her own. Point is - I'm not used to hearing her say one.

Today, sitting at a bar on our honeymoon I commented about how "these selfie sticks are becoming ridiculous. Everyone seems to have one now. It's stupid"... Only for her to reply with..."I know it's seriously getting out of hand".

I lost my shit and freaked out. She got scared cause she thought something bad happened...I'm like "did you seriously not just hear yourself. I'm not even mad that was amazing".

She just rolled her eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nightingrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2015
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Two whales are in a bar

One them asks, "whaddya want to drink Jim?" The other whale thinks for a little bit, then answers: Aaaaaoooooooooaaaaauoooooeeeee

pause

Oooooooouuuuuuaaaaaaaaiiiieaaaaa

pause

Oooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuiiiiiiaaaaaooooaaaaa

pause

Ooooooeeeeeeaaaaaaauiooooooooo

pause

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The first whale looks at his friend," Jim. You're drunk"

Telling this joke amongst an already giggling crowd works perfectly. Just every time you pause make it difficult to tell if you're doing another aaaaoooo until the punch line comes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frumpydolphin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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What's the best strategy to do a group project on fractions?

Divide the work amongst everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TryingToCareLess
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2018
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My dad's corny jokes

My dad has this habit of pretending he didn't hear what you said, and then "repeating" it. Like if I said I was going to see an art show, he'll say, "You're going to a FART show? I had no idea you'd have any interest in that!" Lots of jokes along those lines, amongst others.

When I was younger I would laugh because he was kinda funny, and also to make him happy, but as I've gotten older I laugh not JUST because he's funny (in a corny way) but because the fact he still makes these jokes makes me so happy and really warms my heart. My mom is physically disabled, my dad has a bunch of health issues, we've all suffered terribly at times because of all this illness. And no matter how bad it gets, my dad is always there trying his hardest to put a smile on other people's faces and to lighten the mood a bit with his jokes. I've always been the type of girl to mope and be depressed when things are hard, but as I've gotten older I've tried to be more like my old man because I think it's something really special and admirable and selfless about stepping outside of your own negativity to give others something to laugh at or smile about. My dad is such a fuckin hero, I love him so much, and I can't imagine how unbearable this world would seem at times without him trying to make us all laugh.

So to all you dads telling your corny dad jokes, don't ever stop. Your kids and wife might groan or roll their eyes, but inside they love their corny old man and appreciate the goofy puns and fart jokes you tell!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Osusanna
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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Dadjoked my lecturer

The whiteboard is always a mess from the previous class and every week my lecturer has been getting more and more annoyed that the previous guy doesn't clean the board after use.

This morning as he begrudgingly stepped towards the board he sighed and asked the heavens, "when will be the day that I stop having to wipe this board?"

I said to him, "I think the writing's on the wall Professor."

I got one cackled laugh amongst many groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grayworks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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[NOT A JOKE] Does anyone else get extremely judgmental looks when pulling off a dadjoke in public?

I don't mind when I get these looks amongst close friends and family, but man, does it burn when it's from someone you don't know. I feel like I'm in the extreme minority that would actually laugh out loud if someone I'd just met/didn't know pulled one of these dadjokes in public. I feel like I'd immediately befriend that person, but my experience so far has been looks where it seems people just go, "Yeah... definitely not talking to that guy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/claytondufresne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2014
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Working at kmart during the holidays.

My coworkers were talking amongst them selves attempting to find where a Frozen doll goes, I come around the corner right then and instinctively respond with "have you checked in the freezer section?"... I got a couple of chuckles from them and carried on with my day. Was worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrFappingston
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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Eating pizza with family and friends...

When all of a sudden my 3 year old drops her toy mermaid on the table right into a side cup of marinara. I took advantage of the situation.

"I didn't know she was an Italian mermaid"

Groans were had amongst all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NavySasquatch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2016
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Is there a prize for the most laborious set-up?

Down on his farm, Old MacDonald was hosting his annual talent contest amongst his animals and announced that, this year, the theme was Shakespeare.

All of his livestock had been busily and excitedly rehearsing because they knew that 1st prize was to be a gigantic gazebo festooned with flashing electric lights, a glitter ball, a speaker system and turntables.

Competition was fierce; the chickens performed Othello, the horse chose Hamlet, the sheep Romeo and Juliet and the cow performed Richard III.

After much deliberation, the farmer and his wife ordered a hushed silence and announced: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeffGoldbuns
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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Got one of my students the other day.

Context: I just put in my resignation notice at the school I work at, and word traveled amongst students fairly rapidly.

Student walks into room: "Say it ain't so, Mr. so-and-so" Me: " Oh man, I freaking love Weezer!" Confused looks were soon followed by groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MabDarogan
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
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