A nominee for director of the math department at my school was caught having an affair with her student...

They had to denominator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrindoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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TIL Elton John wrote an unreleased song about his short-lived affair with the lead actor in "Who's The Boss?"

He called it, "Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SusheeMonster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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i once attended a black-tie affair in flip-flops

it was quite the sandal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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My wife got mad at me for have sexual affairs with inanimate objects

I told her it was one night stand...

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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Last November 5, i was caught off guard when I was approached by a stranger angrily telling me to butt out of his romantic affairs.

As if i care who that Guy FΓ—Γ—Γ—Γ—s.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Cheating is not affair game

I said to my cheating wife "Let's settle this in affair explanation!" She said "OK. I cheated on you because your heart were as cold as the North Poll!" I looked at her then said "I'm diss a pointed..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titanium_Steel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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People have been able to change their big weddings to smaller affairs during the pandemic. But melons don't have that luxury.

They cantaloupe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlwaysTheNoob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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I Used to Have an affair with some mucous

Could say she was an old phlegm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJAX214_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Apparently Florida has the highest rate of infidelity in the country...

It's an unfortunate state of affairs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GIGA255
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Why does β€œsecretary” start with secret?

Because of all their business affairs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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free of charge
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattloKei
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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Three of my high school's percussionists were all involved in a torrid affair regarding the geometric shaped piece of metal...

It was an odd love triangle...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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I’m having an affair with a tape measure.

It’s amazing the lengths it will go to please me.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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I think my friend is having an affair with my wife

He seems miserable lately

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twisted_Taterz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Bayern Munich couldn’t eat after the Barcelona match

They 8-2 much

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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My boss is making me dig through a stack of hay bare-handed to look for anything that shouldn’t be there. I suspect he dropped his wedding ring while having an affair with the new girl he hired in the pile and now he is desperate to hide the evidence from his wife who might be on to him.

But I’m just grasping at straws here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Propagansus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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After years of doubt I'm now convinced my wife is having an affair...

We've moved 250 miles north and we've still got the same window cleaner!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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A family affair

My youngest was watching Netflix, deciding on a few episodes of Captain Underpants. In one particular episode, the titled character is forced to share a room with a clown. My wife, watching this show, laughs about him having Coulrophobia (Fear of clowns), and repeatedly panicking in subsequent scenes. Finally near the episode, she asks ,"What did that clown ever do to him?"

My response: "Nothing. He's It's Cousin. Pound Foolish"

Wife stares at me. Blinks twice. Goes back to watching the TV that has more comedy than her idiot husband

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coulrophiliac444
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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My wife accused me of having an affair with someone from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

I said 'How could you say such a thing?'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bhavv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
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I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.

So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xknav3x
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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My personal trainer was having an affair with my partner, James

Now I'm going to have to switch Jims

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whitebeaks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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"I saw you having an affair. Can you explain that, please?!" asked my wife.

"Yes," I said. "It's when someone is disloyal to their partner."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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Have you heard about the sugar and cream love affair?

It's the icing on the cake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..

It's a current affair.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reachingnexus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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A man electrocuted his wife after discovering she had been cheating on him

I read about it in Current Affairs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannypWooley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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My dad has just described Syria as "Assad" state of affairs.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexGalway
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
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Alice Roosevelt, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt, had a long-time extramarital affair with Senator William Borah. They had an illegitimate daughter together, Paulina Longworth, who Alice referred to as "Aurora Borah Alice" [from /r/todayilearned] en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emilvikstrom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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Did you have an affair?

I was describing a movie to my dad earlier today, and mentioned that the main character had an affair. He replied saying β€œno, he definitely didn’t have an affair, he's completely bald!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Illikis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2016
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Have you ever had a conversation with an electrician?

They know all about the current affairs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Luckily he wasn't charged
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pun420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
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Can you give me a wakeup call?

Sure. Your wife's having an affair with your gardener.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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I guess it's a bigger problem than I thought.

Spoke to someone this morning who works for children's affairs... I couldn't believe there was a whole department just for non-committal minors

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inBrentive
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Who is the king of the pencil case?

The ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2016
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Watch out! r/puns is in danger

r/punpatrol

r/punKGB

r/Pun_Internal_Affairs

r/punspecialforces

These are the names of our oppressors! There may be more, but they are our greatest threat. They are currently amassing an army to try to end puns as we know it.

If we are to save this beautiful form of our language, than we must unite! We must not divide ourselves by titles, but unite ourselves as punners!

They plan on eradicating all puns by going to the source, the pun user. Are we to let ourselves be undermined by those who think they are better than us? Are we to let ourselves and all future generations be banned from puns? If you say no, then join in the revolt

##VIVA LA R/PUNS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyThunderStorm22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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I left my wife for someone I met at the container store.

It was a sorted affair.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NThruThe0utdoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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I was at a gentlemans club in Las vegas...

This voluptius Asian came over and I asked for a lap dance.While she was doing her thing,I asked her,"What nationality are you?"

She replied,"I'm half black and half Thai.

I then said,"Oh,I didn't realize this was a Black Tie affair.

Edit: True story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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Everyone, please watch out for this.

https://www.reddit.com/r/PunSpecialForces/comments/ccfpi5/we_need_to_raid_rpuns/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Recently a member of r/PunSpecialForces has requested to raid r/puns, but a member of r/PunInternalAffairs is trying to stop this. This is a message to keep you guys safe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_charmander
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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Attention Punners

I am a representative from the r/PunPatrol and we have been seeing some of our officers have been arrested individuals on this server where in a peace treaty we have allowed Puns in this subreddit. We apologise for these rogue officers and have reported them to r/PunInternalAffairs . Thanks for understanding.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWESOMEDUDE0614
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Man I hate grapes

Grapes suck man, I mean potatoes they're appealing ;) and can even grow back even after being smashed ;) out drunk, but grapes they just get drunk and wine and wine and wine ;), oh and corn, god who needs corn, they just party but pop off ;) for no reason, they say after its waters temper ;) but... well I guess water is not good either, they get angry and just boil ;) over... oh and I heard some news about tomatoes they had an affair with cherries ;), I heard that tomatoes wife is gonna get revenge by dewing grass ;), but I can only say one thing the plant party was wild last night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mjk2581
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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Did you hear about the news program dedicated to berries?

It was a currant affairs program.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/endangeredpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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dads wife: is hope you’d tell me if dad has some other women over

me: only if she’s american because i don’t get involved in foreign affairs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zickly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Maine has the highest rate of infidelity out of any state in the US

What a disturbing state of affairs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Al_Jabarti
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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