I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
โYou wouldnโt get it, itโs Norse codeโ
๐︎ 378
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︎ Mar 28 2021
I gave a couple of almonds to my girlfriend. I told her "I call this a Jessica."
She looked at me and asked why I called it a "Jessica".
I told her because it's two almonds.
You might even say.....
Almond Brothers.
(This literally just happened. She rolled her eyes so hard they twitched some.)
๐︎ 5
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︎ Apr 05 2021
I was walking past a field and saw a couple of guys stealing the steps off a fence.
A lady came up to me and said 'Aren't you going to stop them?'
I said 'No. That's not my stile.'
๐︎ 5
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︎ Apr 16 2021
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.
That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
๐︎ 59
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︎ Feb 21 2021
I hate it when a couple start having an argument right in front of me.
They could have at least waited until I got dressed and left.
๐︎ 4
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︎ Mar 21 2021
I once watched a couple of cows smoke weed and play poker
I guess the steaks were pretty high
๐︎ 60
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︎ Feb 03 2021
I noticed my shirt had a couple of holes in it when I was getting dressed this morning.
I thought that was pretty cool, 'cuz it gave me somewhere to put my arms.
๐︎ 9
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
๐︎ 6
๐
︎ Jan 26 2021
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
๐︎ 10
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︎ Jan 25 2021
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car
Looks like it was a Christler
๐︎ 11
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︎ Dec 29 2020
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.
๐︎ 4
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︎ Feb 13 2021
If you think 2020 was bad, just wait a couple of years.
Because 2022 is 2020 too.
๐︎ 17
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︎ Dec 31 2020
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
๐︎ 8
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︎ Dec 02 2020
There is a couple, that always waits in front of orphanages before they open.
They're better known as the early adopters.
๐︎ 12
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︎ Nov 06 2020
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
โExcuse me,โ I said, โI couldnโt help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?โ
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, โItโs Wales!โ
โNo offense intended,โ I replied. โPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?โ
๐︎ 2
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︎ Dec 25 2020
I was working behind the bar today when two guys came in and tried to pay with a couple of counterfeit ยฃ10 notes. When I told the manager, he asked what they looked like..
โLike ยฃ10 notesโ I told him
๐︎ 3
๐
︎ Dec 15 2020
I have a dirty story about a couple of chickens in a motel room...
It's just two fowl to discuss
๐︎ 11
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︎ Oct 17 2020
With the McRib re-released a couple of days ago, I did this at McDonalds drive-thru today:
Me: Do you have Mac Rib in that special box.
Order Girl: Yes, yes we do.
Me: You should let him out. And I'll take three of them and a large fry.
(I was the only one that laughed, she just read back my total)
๐︎ 2
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︎ Dec 04 2020
A couple of Jokers
๐︎ 26
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︎ Sep 05 2020
I left a couple of joints in my Ford Fiesta
๐︎ 3
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︎ Nov 14 2020
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
๐︎ 146
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︎ May 28 2020
A couple of character shifts and Alice in Wonderland becomes A Lice in Wonderland.
๐︎ 3
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︎ Sep 06 2020
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when Iโm down I go to the mall and use the elevator.
So it can lift me up and make my day better.
I tried to OC.
๐︎ 19
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︎ Aug 01 2020
I know a couple of vampire puns
๐︎ 7
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︎ Jul 07 2020
We're only a couple of weeks into Fall and the weather is seriously erratic
It could chilly today, but then hot tamale.
๐︎ 2
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︎ Oct 12 2020
A couple of my favourites...
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes one them? So that when they dock, they can Scandinavian.
And then these work as a one-two punch:
I started a business building yachts from home...sails have been going through the roof.
And before that I had a business clearing the fallen leaves from people's backyards. I was raking it in.
๐︎ 17
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︎ Sep 11 2020
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, โI heard a good joke today.โ Second dog replies, โGo on then.โ First dog continues, โKnock Kno..."
Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...
๐︎ 13
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︎ Sep 16 2020
I made up a couple of jokes about undelivered letters.
But no one seems to get them.
๐︎ 18
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︎ Jun 24 2020
I stopped at the bakery on my way to the park to feed the pigeons and a couple of them died!
I killed two birds with one scone.
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Sep 01 2020
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
๐︎ 6
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︎ Aug 31 2020
The XFL was just sold to Dwayne Johnson and a couple of investors for $15 million...
..now that's a Rock bought 'em price.
๐︎ 23
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︎ Aug 07 2020
Me and a couple of friends are arguing how to get out of the grain silo.
We're all in the same oat.
๐︎ 13
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︎ Jun 28 2020
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around.
I'm pretty sure I have the CORVID.
๐︎ 4
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︎ Jun 22 2020
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
๐︎ 40
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︎ Jun 07 2020
I asked the guy at the meat counter for a couple of t-bones, but he gave me some sirloins instead.
He later apologized for his mis-steak.
๐︎ 6
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︎ Jul 17 2020
What do you call a light powered by a couple of lips?
๐︎ 2
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︎ Jul 16 2020
My next door neighbour told me that every morning when he measures his allotment, it is a couple of inches smaller than the day before.
I think he is slowly losing the plot...
๐︎ 8
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︎ Jun 05 2020
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
๐︎ 97
๐
︎ May 04 2019
A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:
The woman tries to pity the judge:
-Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me!
The judge is moved and says:
-Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments.
The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says:
-Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?
๐︎ 333
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︎ Jun 21 2019
I got rid of that hair lice I've been having for a couple weeks the other day.
That problem's finally out of my hair.
๐︎ 2
๐
︎ Jun 03 2020
A couple of years ago I learned how to lock pick and it's opened up so many doors for me.
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Feb 14 2020
I was in an elevator with my wife when a couple entered with their kids. I went out of my way to ask what floor they were going up to so I could push the button for them.
I wanted to prove to my wife that I was serious about raising a family.
๐︎ 106
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︎ Sep 30 2019
A couple of cows were smokinโ a joint and playinโ cards...
...thatโs right, the steaks were pretty high.
๐︎ 34
๐
︎ Mar 06 2021
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing poker
That's right!! The steaks were pretty high.
๐︎ 14
๐
︎ Mar 04 2021
A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
๐︎ 15
๐
︎ Dec 02 2020
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