I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
“You wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”
I gave a couple of almonds to my girlfriend. I told her "I call this a Jessica."
She looked at me and asked why I called it a "Jessica".
I told her because it's two almonds.
You might even say.....
Almond Brothers.
(This literally just happened. She rolled her eyes so hard they twitched some.)
I was walking past a field and saw a couple of guys stealing the steps off a fence.
A lady came up to me and said 'Aren't you going to stop them?'
I said 'No. That's not my stile.'
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.
That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
I hate it when a couple start having an argument right in front of me.
They could have at least waited until I got dressed and left.
I once watched a couple of cows smoke weed and play poker
I guess the steaks were pretty high
I noticed my shirt had a couple of holes in it when I was getting dressed this morning.
I thought that was pretty cool, 'cuz it gave me somewhere to put my arms.
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car
Looks like it was a Christler
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.
If you think 2020 was bad, just wait a couple of years.
Because 2022 is 2020 too.
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
There is a couple, that always waits in front of orphanages before they open.
They're better known as the early adopters.
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
“Excuse me,” I said, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, “It’s Wales!”
“No offense intended,” I replied. “Please allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”
I was working behind the bar today when two guys came in and tried to pay with a couple of counterfeit £10 notes. When I told the manager, he asked what they looked like..
“Like £10 notes” I told him
I have a dirty story about a couple of chickens in a motel room...
It's just two fowl to discuss
With the McRib re-released a couple of days ago, I did this at McDonalds drive-thru today:
Me: Do you have Mac Rib in that special box.
Order Girl: Yes, yes we do.
Me: You should let him out. And I'll take three of them and a large fry.
(I was the only one that laughed, she just read back my total)
I left a couple of joints in my Ford Fiesta
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
A couple of character shifts and Alice in Wonderland becomes A Lice in Wonderland.
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.
So it can lift me up and make my day better.
I tried to OC.
I know a couple of vampire puns
We're only a couple of weeks into Fall and the weather is seriously erratic
It could chilly today, but then hot tamale.
A couple of my favourites...
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes one them? So that when they dock, they can Scandinavian.
And then these work as a one-two punch:
I started a business building yachts from home...sails have been going through the roof.
And before that I had a business clearing the fallen leaves from people's backyards. I was raking it in.
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, “I heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, “Go on then.” First dog continues, “Knock Kno..."
Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...
I made up a couple of jokes about undelivered letters.
But no one seems to get them.
I stopped at the bakery on my way to the park to feed the pigeons and a couple of them died!
I killed two birds with one scone.
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
The XFL was just sold to Dwayne Johnson and a couple of investors for $15 million...
..now that's a Rock bought 'em price.
Me and a couple of friends are arguing how to get out of the grain silo.
We're all in the same oat.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around.
I'm pretty sure I have the CORVID.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
I asked the guy at the meat counter for a couple of t-bones, but he gave me some sirloins instead.
He later apologized for his mis-steak.
What do you call a light powered by a couple of lips?
My next door neighbour told me that every morning when he measures his allotment, it is a couple of inches smaller than the day before.
I think he is slowly losing the plot...
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:
The woman tries to pity the judge:
-Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me!
The judge is moved and says:
-Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments.
The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says:
-Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?
I got rid of that hair lice I've been having for a couple weeks the other day.
That problem's finally out of my hair.
A couple of years ago I learned how to lock pick and it's opened up so many doors for me.
I was in an elevator with my wife when a couple entered with their kids. I went out of my way to ask what floor they were going up to so I could push the button for them.
I wanted to prove to my wife that I was serious about raising a family.
A couple of cows were smokin’ a joint and playin’ cards...
...that’s right, the steaks were pretty high.
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing poker
That's right!! The steaks were pretty high.
A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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