My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”
I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such a random way to start a conversation.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
“What do you call a corgi who goes undercover?” (drawn by: me)
A farmer takes a rest on a bale of hay. “I love my job” he says aloud. A sheep replies “All you do is boss me around all day!” The farmer, clearly upset by this statement, responds “What did you just say??” The sheep replies:
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.
- You don't want to suffocate me?
▪I'll do it smother time.
Sauces tell me that you mayo die of laughter at this pun
“Dad, you forgot to call me yesterday.”
“I did call you yesterday. But then I remembered your name is not yesterday.”
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
The waiter approached me as I finished eating and asked, “you wanna box for those leftovers?”
I replied, “No, I hate violence. May I just pay for it with my card?”
You spin me white round, baby, white round
Told to me by my father this morning. Did you hear about the pun that murdered ten people and then died in the standoff?
The headline was “pun and ten dead” (meant to sound like pun intended.)
Definitely not the best but it was kinda funny. He was definitely pleased with it
What is one thing you can’t stand having? For me, it’s a wheelchair
Can’t figure out what game this is, could you send me a link?
Egg: If you take me seriously, you'll leave my shell intact and not remove my whites. Me: *Breaks Egg and removes whites*
Is it a good restaurant? How can you ask me that? I mean...
Send me a message if you want to build a boat...
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"
Inmate: It’s bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I please finish my sentence?!
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
I went for a job interview today, he asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience in a nutshell?"
I said, "I've never had a job working in a nutshell."
I’ll tell you what gets me down.
My wife looked at me the other day and said “You’re not listening to anything I’ve said!”
I said to her “There are better ways to start a conversation.”
I went camping and a grizzly approached me. I was terrified. I was about to run, but the grizzly stopped and said, “you will die in 10 days.” I replied, “who are you??”
He said, “I hate to be the bear of bad news.”
Dad said to me "Do you ever go into a room and forget what you went in there for?"
Great dad, undistinguished fireman.
In times like these, laughter is essential. I don't have much, but for the ever vigilant mod team and you, the subscribers of /r/DadJokes, please allow me to offer this open letter...
My best friend made me some cookies the other day. "Wow, did you make them yourself?"
"Yeah," He responded
"They're Homie made."
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done.
Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
My wife said to me "you didn't hear a word I said did you?"
I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.
When ever someone asks me, “what are you up to?”
I tell them last time I checked, I was 5’9.
My wife told me, “Don’t stress out too much because your friends call you fat..”
...”You’re much bigger than that.”
Her: No boo, I meant who and said your name. Ray: Why are you booing me?
I hate it when my wife says, "Are you listening to me?".
I'm not 'Listening To Me', I'm Dad!
Dad: Did you hear the joke about farmer brown? Me: No
Dad: Well maybe I’ll tell you someday
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I was Ghana make a pun about countries but let me Czech if I can. I hope you Dubai sometime
My wife just hit me with a dad joke: "Hey, you wanna hear a joke about pizza?"
"Sure"
"Nah, it's too cheesy..."
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I replied, “Don’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
" Dad can you buy me an Xbox ?"
Dad " i"ll buy you ABox first then you work your way to ZBox"
Do you know what makes me cross?
When the signal changes to a man walking.
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
You’ll never take me alive, COPPER
You know what drives me nuts?
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?”
She said, “yes or no.”
When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
I said, "No, not particularly."
Can you guys help me come up with puns with the name Elle?
There was a knock at the door and when I opened it, there was a kitchen sink standing there. He said "You have everything but me."
Someone told me that getting older is like making a soup and continually adding more spices in as you age.
I guess that explains why all these old folks are so salty.
let me tell you the twitter handle of a horror company out of this world
@mustfear
edit : thisnisna dad joke. not intended as an actual twitter handle search.
Fred: Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist?
Hey Dad could you give me a hand please?
I already gave you two, so what's the third one for?
I mistook a statue for the person you told me to meet at the park.
After a while, I realized it wasn’t the monument.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale... Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Hey Stepdad! Can you tell me how an elevator is different than an escalator?
🎼🎙🎵🎶 And if you wanna get me / never neglect me / 'cause I'm a...
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
Somebody stopped me the other day in the shopping center and said "oh, sorry, i thought you were someone else" .
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started. I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you..."
"...have plaque on your wall?"
Second joke my dad ever told me, which I later found out he stole from Carlin: you know how you can tell when a moth farts?
It flies in a straight line.
A patient bursts into his therapist's office and shouts, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I'm trapped in a deck of cards!"
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
My father said : hey im hungry can you get me somthing to eat
Me with a smirk on my face :hey hungry im son
The tabels have turned
Will you remember me joke. Needs 2 people to work.
"Will you remember me in a day?"
"Yes I will"
"Will you remember me in a week?"
"Yes I will"
"Will you remember me in a year?"
"Yes I will"
"Ok let me tell you a joke...knock knock..."
You know what drives me nuts?
Blue diamond delivery trucks.
My wife just told me, “I can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”
Me: It seems like....you have a hidden agenda.
Let me give you some background here...
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
Me: "We had ribeye for supper, you can microwave some leftovers if you are hungry." Son: "No, y'all ate it all."
Me: "What!? There must be some missed steak!"
You know what makes me uncomfortable?
Clothes that are too tight.
It's no longer you and me. It's g(us).
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
Let me tell you how I got so good at making pictures of cash....
I made many many many many many money drawings.
I asked for 12 bees at my local pet store. The owner gave me 13 bees. I said “you’ve given me 1 to many!” The owner said...
...”That one is a freebie!”
We've got pun dog...and now pun cat. You've cat to be kitten me right meow!
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
Why you booing me I'm right
Friend: How do you like your new beard? Me:
One of my friends keeps telling me “It could be worse, you could be quarantined underground, in a hole full of water.”
My wife said to me: ''Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?''
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie,
then I dropped her off at her parents'
place.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a...moving violation.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
A waiter once asked me: “Do you wanna box for your leftovers?”
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: Yes. It’s quite.....a moving violation.
Sheep to Farmer: All you do is boss me around all day!
Farmer: What did you say?
Sheep: You herd me.
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