Her: What are you giggling about? Me: Oh, nothing...
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 21 2021
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "Itβs true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
I told my daughter when she was whining to me about her new boyfriend... βDonβt complain about the road youβre on right nowβ
Thatβs your own asphalt
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 11 2020
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
π︎ 299
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︎ Sep 21 2020
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
π︎ 95
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︎ Aug 19 2020
My wife, Ming, told me, "You would look more professional without that funny bow tie." I have to wear it though. I explained to her, "My jokes aren't funny without...
π︎ 10
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︎ Sep 22 2020
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
π︎ 12k
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︎ Aug 02 2019
I told my daughter, βMom keeps asking me if Iβm an Alice in Wonderland character and itβs getting really annoying!β She asked, βAre you mad at her?β
βGeez! Donβt you start too!β I screamed.
π︎ 169
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︎ Jun 05 2020
My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...
"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 01 2020
I'll never forget when my dad told me, "Find yourself a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you!β A little taken aback, I asked him what he meant. He explained...
βShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them!"
π︎ 13
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︎ Aug 24 2020
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied βbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heelsβ. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
Her: No boo, I meant who and said your name. Ray: Why are you booing me?
π︎ 27
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︎ May 03 2020
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
π︎ 627
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︎ Jan 27 2020
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. βWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!β I put down my newspaper, looked at her and saidβ¦
βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 10 2018
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I canβt.
π︎ 231
π
︎ Dec 18 2019
Her: You got a vasectomy without talking to me? Are you serious?
Him: Yes, Iβm not kidding you.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jul 05 2018
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain βdonβt you give me that altitude!!β
π︎ 30
π
︎ Nov 25 2019
A man suspected his wife was hard of hearing so he decided to do an experiment. The man snuck up behind his wife and said, βHoney, can you hear me?β No response. He went a little closer and said a little louder, βHoney, can you hear me?β Still no response. So he went right beside her ear, yelling,
βHoney, can you hear me!?β She turned around and shouted, βFor the third time, yes I can hear you!β
π︎ 81
π
︎ Sep 13 2019
My wife's best friend asked me, "How come you never buy her flowers ?"
I didn't even know she was selling flowers !
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 24 2020
Me: Did you hear Reese βwhats-her-nameβ stabbed somebody?
Kids: Witherspoon?
Me: No, with a knife.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Oct 06 2017
Her: what took you long? Me: you dont say. I just had a chat with our son bout how he should be wearing a proper underwear instead of diapers,
It was just a brief discussion.
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 14 2019
Her: What do you do? Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 12 2019
True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
π︎ 296
π
︎ Dec 08 2018
Her dad: What do you plan on doing with my daughter. Me:
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 30 2019
I went into my favorite bar and asked for a Bud.The bartender, we'll call her Penny, say's you have to tell me who makes it first.Kinda stumped I said Anheiser Busch.She said "just fine,and hows your dick."
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 30 2019
*Daughterβs friend, over for dinner* Me: do you have any allergies? Her: no. Me: are you allergic to dad jokes? Her: yes.....
Me: thatβs good, at least Iβll get a reaction.
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 01 2019
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
π︎ 19
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︎ Apr 02 2019
My wife told me to scrub the sink until you can see her face in it.
Itβs been half an hour now and I can still only see mine.
π︎ 12
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︎ May 15 2019
My step mother who is suffering from insomnia got really mad at me the other day when I jokingly said to her that you're like my
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 02 2019
4 year old daughter came over to me with her shoes in her hands and said "Daddy, can you put these on?..."
Like any good dad, I said "Of course I can sweety" before stuffing my toes into them.
After she said "NOOOOOOO DAAAAAADDY! On my feet!" I said "well why didn't you say so in the first place?"
[Helped her stuff her feet in]
"Daddy" she asked, "Can you pull on the tongue?"
......ike dthis?
π︎ 875
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︎ Sep 03 2016
While my 6 year old daughter was playing with her shirt and put both her arms inside her shirt she asked me, "what would you do if I had no arms?"
I quickly replied "We'd lend you a hand." My girlfriend and I burst out laughing!
π︎ 390
π
︎ Dec 08 2016
Itβs raining today. My wife asked me to get her an umbrella. I said why youβre not made of sugar.
She was pretty salty after that.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 15 2019
My sister bet me I couldnβt make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
π︎ 18
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︎ Apr 15 2018
My wife is weeks pregnant. Lately the position of the baby has been hurting her tail bone. I had my face down by the belly, and my wife told me to talk to it. βQuit hurting your mother.β I said β Youβre grounded!β
π︎ 32
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︎ Dec 15 2018
Me: I was once in a play called βBreakfast in Bed.β Her: Did you have a big role?
Me: No, just toast and coffee.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 11 2018
Her: What do you do for a living? Me: My company artificially inseminates cows for big farms.
Her: I donβt believe you.
Me:Trust me. No bull.
π︎ 20
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︎ Jul 12 2018
Me:nice to meet you. Her mum :nice to meet you too
Her dad : nice to meet you three...π
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 18 2018
Her: I put my phone on silent and now I canβt find it! Me: You should have followed BeyoncΓ© βs advice.
If you want it, you should have put a ring on it.
π︎ 17
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︎ Sep 25 2018
Her: You only half-listen to me! You are in a boat load of trouble!
Me: Why would we buy a boat?
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 28 2018
Her: Would you mind grabbing a fork and standing in the kitchen for a few minutes? Me: Ok, why?
Her: The recipe says, Step 3: Prick with a fork to make sure itβs cooked.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 05 2018
I told my sister "one time, a teacher of mine gave me a list of 10 puns so that I could make sense of them." She asked " well, did any of them make sense?" I told her "No pun in ten did." My sister laughed and said "I get it, did you intend that?" I said "Nope, unintended."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 10 2017
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "Itβs true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
π︎ 29
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
My dad always told me, βFind a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.β
She knows how to make a bad decision and still stick with it.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. βWe had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!β I put down my newspaper, looked at her and saidβ¦
βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β
π︎ 210
π
︎ Jun 05 2019
My girlfriend bet me that I couldnβt make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 08 2018
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