What does a presidential candidate who cant get his votes up suffer from?
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
What do you call 2 guys tied up and stuck in a window?
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
A kid asked his dad, "what kind of music did you listen to growing up?" The dad said "I was big into Led Zeppelin." The son asked "who?"
"Yeah" the dad replied, "I liked them too."
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer employee that beat up a Duracell employee?
He got charged with battery.
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
My 5 year old came up with this one. What is a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A bone and arrow (Kid loves to play minecraft sooo... yeah)
What washes up on the shores of small beaches?
What do you call a woman that would rather stare at her phone than look up at the Northern lights?
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.
What did the man say to the hooker when she walked up to him?
What do you call an alligator that always tries to stir up trouble
What did the sniper say to his girlfriend after they broke up?
What did the pasta send to the other pasta to spice up their relationship?
What is an example of someone getting to eat up their words?
King Midas saying that this sandwich is gold.
What is always wrapped up in the present ?
What does a junkie power ranger say before shooting up?
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
What sticks up when you turn it on?
What’s the best pun you can come up with the word “pelican” ?
What’s the new FedEx and UPS merger going to be called?
What do you call a waterfall that goes up instead of down ?
What do you call a bee dressed up as a ghost?
Steven, he works in Accounting.
What do you call a duck that won’t shut up?
What did the general have up his sleeves
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?
What do you call a baguette up your butt
What does Ariana Grande say to her boyfriend when breaking up on Thanksgiving?
What do you call an Irishman trying to break up a fight?
What lights up a soccer stadium?
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool...
Im biased but i think its genius
What shoe can’t make up its mind?
What do you call a horse that’s up to no good?
What do you call it when people in Russia are split up?
What do you call a chord that has its third moved up a half-step?
Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.
That's just my two cents.
What did my dad say to me when I was putting up my new shelves?
"Watch out for yourshelf."
My niece came up and asked me whats dickfor
I told her to ask her father, then got a smack from her mother
What happened when the cannibal showed up late to dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder
What do you call an Irishman trying to break up a fight?
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