My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
New playhouse for the grandkids and we love puns. Help us out with a name!
[META] Could we get some moderation in this sub?
In my eyes, this sub has a serious problem with non-dadjoke posts. Sub-reddit rule #1 is "Jokes must be dad jokes.". What good are the rules if they aren't enforced? I do realize that what constitutes a dadjoke might not be clarely defined, but we get a lot of posts that are marked nsfw. That's a "This is not a dadjoke"-flag. Why not start with removing nsfw posts?
PS: Why do we have rule #6? It is not possible for a dadjoke to be nsfw, so it should never be relevant.
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...
"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
We all feel like this sometimes
As we're driving through an industrial area, kid asks, "Why does this place smell terrible?"
Me: It's an olfactory response.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
My wife and I have decided that we don't want children
And if anyone does we can drop them off at the weekend
I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.
I said because she is a pessimist.
We grew up SO POOR I drank Nurse Pepper...
...she was an LPN.
We had a Don't Bother Checking account.
My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.
Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.
For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.
My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").
We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."
We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.
My pillow only had one side.
Repossession was 9/10 of the law.
Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.
Our scotch tape was scots-irish.
(I'm allowed)
My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.
One year Santa had to bring stockings.
The next year he filled them with nooses.
I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.
Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
“Sorry Harry, unfortunately we have to cancel your Vietnamese food delivery”
Harry Potter and the Order of the Pho Nix.
We don’t have any vegetable jokes on this Subreddit yet...
So if you do, lettuce know.
My youngest daughter was diagnosed with scoliosis when she was 5. That’s the same time we began calling her by her middle name, Sarah.
Her first name is Eileen.
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer!"
In college, my roommates and I were so broke that we couldn’t pay our electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
If Kanye becomes president, how long till we’re celebrating Yeezster instead?
We all know that 6 is scared of 7 because 7 8 9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you need 3 squared meals per day
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.
...it’s a matter of wife or death.
We’re you aware that the NFL has a rule on professional athletes and the animals they can own as pets? They are prohibited from owning a duck as a pet!
We were all following an old pipe
My 8yo asks, “Daddy, are we antidisestablishmentarian?”
I answered, “No, no we’re not.”
“Then does that make us disantidisestablishmentarian?”
Bruce Springsteen: Baby, we are born to run!
Bruce Springsadult: Let’s just take a cab.
A family is flying to Japan on vacation. The son ask "dad, are we there yet" the dad replies "not yet son"
A few hours later the plane lands in japan. The dad looks at his son and says "okinawa here"
At dinner time, talking about our days, I said work was busy because we're short staffed, and my 11yo boy says.....
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type
As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.
My son Luke loves it that we named all our kids after Star Wars characters...
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
I dig, you dig, he dig, she dig, we dig, they dig
It's not a very long poem but it's a deep one
No more Suez Canal jokes! SERIOUSLY! We are considering litigation. Apparently some guy named Ezra keeps posting those jokes...
...and if I can’t sue Ez, can Al?
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Son: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
A mom joke really, as my wife said it as we walked passed an Easter service letting out where "Sunday finest" isn't a thing.
Me: "Really?! She wore ripped jeans to an Easter mass?"
Wife: "Those are her holy jeans."
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
We took a family vacation to Alaska. When we landed, dad asked:
Did Juneau we’re in the capitol city?
We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...
But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.
As we're driving through an industrial area, kid asks, "Why does this place smell terrible?"
Me: It's an olfactory response.
My deaf wife just told me we need to talk.
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
We all know that 6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9
But 7 was scared of 2, 4 6 8 10
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