I lost 200 lbs of ugly fat in only 3 months.
I got a divorce.
Trans-fat.
I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".
It’s called Joe Lean.
A mass murder
I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.
Mostly because it would apply to a wide audience.
Fat chants!
You'll have nothing to gain.
Called own the lbs
So I saw this crazy salesman trying to convince every passer-by that you can lose weight just by repeating a special series of weight loss mantras every day.
"Fat chance!" I called out, rolling my eyes.
"EXACTLY!!!" he replied.
It's a dyet.
All you have to do is eat the doughnut whole
"I just eat everything I see."
God damn it, Dad.
Dad: "Well, now that you've started your diet, I guess we'll be seeing a lot less of you!"
I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking
What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?
The nurses were talking about weight loss tips and the attending surgeon piped up. "You guys know the secret to losing weight is gambling, right? Just last week I was in London and I lost more than a few pounds."
Me and my dad were at a new second hand that had just open up. We were standing by the books when he remarked about order the books stood in, or rather the lack of.
Dad: I can't find anything, it's like they just tossed them up.
Me: Definitely, on this shelf alone there's Sci Fi, fantasy and weight loss books.
Dad: Huh, so they're placed by category.
I sat down to watch TV with my parents and they decided to play Master Chef. I'm familiar with the show, but haven't seen any of this season. I'm sitting there, complimenting the fantastic weight loss of Graham, one of the judges, when my dad goes:
"Yeah, you know, last year he was going by the name kiloGraham, but now he just goes by Graham!"
I laughed, my mom groaned, and the cleverness of the joke, (which is far from usual), was enjoyed by all. :)
Today we were jogging and my girlfriend told me about an instagram account she had made to put pictures of her weight loss and said it was private and only invited people that she looks up to. Then I asked her why she added me too. She said "Well of course I look up to you" I replied "I know, I'm taller than you"
Meanwhile, when I came back home to visit family this summer, my parents were surprised by the amount of weight I lost, as I had gone from 275 pounds over the summer to 250 over the winter to 225 now. They'd just been back from Scotland, and right after they congratulated me on my weight loss, my father remarked that he had a gift to give me from their trip:
http://i.imgur.com/19Io48t.jpg
Really, Dad?
Mom was talking about weight loss issues she was having and said to my father: "Well, your BMI is lower than mine now."
Dad looked at me and said: "BMI? Bowel Movement Index?"
Me: "And it's lower than mom's, which we kind of knew any way because she's full of shit."
