Rapid Weight Loss

I lost 200 lbs of ugly fat in only 3 months.

I got a divorce.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/John1967miller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
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What do you call someone that got weight loss surgery?

Trans-fat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SousaBoy93
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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I went to a weight loss seminar

I now have wseven

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jzr171
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.

I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhnrmn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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Did you hear about Dolly Parton’s new weight loss coffee?

It’s called Joe Lean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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What do you call a big weight loss?

A mass murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VintageDavis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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I’ve been writing a book on weight loss.

I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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I'm thinking of writing a weight loss book

Mostly because it would apply to a wide audience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForcastProperly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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weight loss
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gavinefb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Does anyone have any weight loss mantras?

Fat chants!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MsTBlueBFF
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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To the person who stole my weight loss pills........

You'll have nothing to gain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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Someone should make a weight-loss book for incels

Called own the lbs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EzlotheMinish
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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Amazing new weight loss technique?

So I saw this crazy salesman trying to convince every passer-by that you can lose weight just by repeating a special series of weight loss mantras every day.

"Fat chance!" I called out, rolling my eyes.

"EXACTLY!!!" he replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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I'm on a weight loss plan where I eat nothing but food coloring.

It's a dyet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scarlet_Spectre
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
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My weight loss resolution has me really waisting away.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoreCowbells
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2017
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I know a weight loss diet that works with fried confectionary!

All you have to do is eat the doughnut whole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mask-of-oranges
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2016
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After complimenting him on his recent weight loss my dad told me that he has been on a seafood diet

"I just eat everything I see."

God damn it, Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merovingian89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2015
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A family friend was telling us about her weight loss plans today...

Dad: "Well, now that you've started your diet, I guess we'll be seeing a lot less of you!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ladygunshooter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
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What items would you include in an amputation themed gift basket?

I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking

What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pyroperformer93
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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Dadjoked by a surgeon today...

The nurses were talking about weight loss tips and the attending surgeon piped up. "You guys know the secret to losing weight is gambling, right? Just last week I was in London and I lost more than a few pounds."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamthewarthog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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My dad at a second hand

Me and my dad were at a new second hand that had just open up. We were standing by the books when he remarked about order the books stood in, or rather the lack of.

Dad: I can't find anything, it's like they just tossed them up.

Me: Definitely, on this shelf alone there's Sci Fi, fantasy and weight loss books.

Dad: Huh, so they're placed by category.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeLikeChicken
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
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While watching Master Chef with my parents tonight...

I sat down to watch TV with my parents and they decided to play Master Chef. I'm familiar with the show, but haven't seen any of this season. I'm sitting there, complimenting the fantastic weight loss of Graham, one of the judges, when my dad goes:

"Yeah, you know, last year he was going by the name kiloGraham, but now he just goes by Graham!"

I laughed, my mom groaned, and the cleverness of the joke, (which is far from usual), was enjoyed by all. :)

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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Got my girlfriend while working out

Today we were jogging and my girlfriend told me about an instagram account she had made to put pictures of her weight loss and said it was private and only invited people that she looks up to. Then I asked her why she added me too. She said "Well of course I look up to you" I replied "I know, I'm taller than you"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinkiman
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
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I lost 50 pounds on a diet over the past year...

Meanwhile, when I came back home to visit family this summer, my parents were surprised by the amount of weight I lost, as I had gone from 275 pounds over the summer to 250 over the winter to 225 now. They'd just been back from Scotland, and right after they congratulated me on my weight loss, my father remarked that he had a gift to give me from their trip:

http://i.imgur.com/19Io48t.jpg

Really, Dad?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DriftingSkies
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2015
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Dad-joked Mom on Mother's Day

Mom was talking about weight loss issues she was having and said to my father: "Well, your BMI is lower than mine now."

Dad looked at me and said: "BMI? Bowel Movement Index?"

Me: "And it's lower than mom's, which we kind of knew any way because she's full of shit."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sad_lawyer
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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