WA Puns

Sudden Lee.

All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist!

Because it's the Griffin Door.

She didn't get it. And didn't think it was funny when I explained it. I thought it might be better received here.

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.

Told her it's because I can't stand doing it

It's particularly frustrating because now my fence has fallen over.

I thought I was hilarious when I asked “I didn’t know they were serving Thai (tie) food. Nobody got it, wtf was it that obscure a reference?

There were red flags everywhere!

Inflation.

He's still assembling his cabinet.

Let me tell you, it was no small feet.

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Oof.

“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"

I thought: "That's an unnecessary comma" and then it hit me.

He said to his wife "It's going to rain."

His wife looks at him and says "What? How do you know?"

He then proceeds to look his wife dead in the eyes and exclaims: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

lunacy.

please clap

What goes after USA?

USB.

Edit: Thanks for the awards and the upvotes! My daughter is going to love this.

Hah-

Cantaloupe

So I looked at the sign, looked at him, and shrugged my shoulders. Then I beat the crap out of him, stole his wallet and took all his stuff. Maybe he should put a different sign out there.

Let that sink in

If you start pooping at 11:59PM and don't finish until after midnight, that's the.... same shit, different day.

I heard parents named their children lance a lot.

First post please don't kill me

Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!

This happened a few years ago when my son was 6ish. When my kids hurt themselves and it doesn’t look serious I always do the “we might have to amputate that bruised hand” shtick with them. I’ve done it enough that they now roll their eyes.

So, my son got hit lightly in the face with a rubber ball. It wasn’t a hard hit and I could tell he was more upset by the shock of it rather than the pain. So I say “looks like we will have to amputate your nose.” To which he replies “then how will I smell?” And I say “terrible!”

It was my greatest dad joke ever. I felt like I could retire after that.

Sir Cumference

It was a Shih Tzu.

I had to quit cold turkey.

and not:

Police say it might be race related.

Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"

I did not know.

So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"

So proud.

This sh*t is bananas

He is alright now…

Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time for me to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it. Curious I made the mistake of opening it….there was a human toe packed a bag on ice 😱😱😱.

After getting over my 🤢🤮🤢 I thought someone probably really needs this, so I called the hospital and told them what I saw, they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box!'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?

The lady replied...

"No, we'll just send a toe truck......."

Traffic was Tide up for hours.

They told me oh he doesn’t count, but I assure you he does.

He was the original Centaur for Disease Control.

She said its effects are so restrictive she may as well be in jail.

I told her to just be glad she's not on her semicolon because that's a sentence that doesn't end.

So I had to try the cardigan.

He had a long sentence.

The difference was staggering.

She asked “are you ever going to stop listening to Wonderwall?”

I said Maybe.

He went on to become a successful hedge fund manager.

It turns out the Navy has a strict policy against in-sub ordination.

It was a briefcase.

It committed treeson