But then I saw her face.
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
But he was 0K.
A subreddit.
Terrible king, but made a great ruler.
Told him to use both and heβd probably find him a lot quicker.
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
Later, I realized it was just a phase.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
It usually resulted in a long sentence.
... and as you can see, they were Wright
βYou wouldnβt get it, itβs Norse codeβ
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
Thatβs inflation for ya
βBecause she has no taste.β
But when I got home all the signs were there
But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.
You Dont Know How It Peels
Was a monster!
..this isn't for me.
The judge is bound to give me a tough sentence
βIs that a fret?!"
Is this a trick question?
I have an uncle, once removed.
The mortician asked the deceasedβs wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit heβs already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says βI donβt care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.β The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, βwhatever this costs Iβm very satisfied, you did an excellent job and Iβm incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?β To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says βthereβs no charge.β Shocked she replies βno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.β βHonestly maβamβ, the mortician says, βit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.β
He has selfie steam issues.
Da brie was everywhere!
...he went by the pronoun he/he
...so to stall, he asked the doctor if he preferred to start with the left testicle or the right, to which the doctor replied, I donβt think thereβs a vas deferens.
It said βMichelleβ
The next day the newspaper read "Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket"
No, he covered his tracks.
(Thought of this this morning go easy on me!)
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
I always thought he was only a theoretical physicist...
...an ether/oar situation...
She took it as a condiment.
We've been married 3 years now !!
No tres passing.β
Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
It was as big as the last two combined!
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
When I woke up I was so exhausted.
A subreddit.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Was a monster.
