Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/primo8731
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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I tried to substitute eggroll skins instead of the usual for my fried Chinese dumplings. They tasted the same, but came out rectangular.

I guess it's back to square won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.

He just has a chip on his shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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Got bored with my usual beverages so I instead tried soaking a book in hot water.

It wasn't great, but at least it was a novel tea.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross... reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FarPrince
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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A local baker decided he could increase production and profits by putting bread in the oven for half the usual time.

His half-baked scheme didn't work out the way he had planned.

πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vandorbelt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2017
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Today my wife is saltier than usual

Maybe it's because we just got back from the beach

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Watermelon_Waifu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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Why did the Indian not go to their usual charcuterie?

They wanted to try a New Delhi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spicymemestealer
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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What do you call french fries that are taking longer than usual to cook?

Hesitaters.

πŸ‘︎ 260
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bathroom_Pninja
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2017
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Just posted my usual rant against Daylight Saving Time on Twitter

Like clockwork

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sperte
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Me punning my friend, as usual imgur.com/a/e24WH
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoMaGi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
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I saw a sign. It said, 'Trains are running as usual this morning.'

Call me crazy, but I've never seen a train with legs before.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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My girlfriend is flatulent because she had more milk, cheese and ice cream than usual this weekend.

You could say she is having trouble with her dairy air.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossum81
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2017
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Morose Code is just like the usual one but more sluggish and despondent.
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/escarg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2014
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Last night it seemed darker than usual.

Me: Hey doesn't tonight seem darker than usual?

Co-worker: Well isn't it a new moon or something.

Me: Well what happened to the old one?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Senpai_notices_me
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
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More clever than usual.

My dad and I were watching the ball drop when Miley started performing 'Wrecking Ball'.

He turns to me and says, "Knock, knock"

Me, "Oh God, who's there?"

Him, "Hakeem"

Me, "Hakkem who?"

and right as the chorus came on, he sings at the top of his lungs,

"HAKEEEEEEM INNN LIKEEE A WREEECKKKKINNNGG BALLLL!"

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatkid1441
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2014
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My dad's usual joke when driving in the car.

Kids: "dad, where are we going?"

Dad: "This way!"

Kids: "Well what's this way?"

Dad: "South."

Kids: "But where are we going?"

Dad: "This way!"

This went on until we gave up asking. Then he'd end up at Home Depot or some other place we were completely uninterested in.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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Old man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual β€” matzoh ball soup...

The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.

β€œIs there something wrong?” the waiter asks.

β€œI can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.

β€œIs it too hot?” the waiter asks. β€œNo.” β€œToo cold?” β€œNo.” β€œToo salty?” β€œNo.”

The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: β€œToo hot?” β€œToo cold?” β€œNo, no no.”

Finally the chief, at his wits end, says, β€œSir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”

Says the old man: β€œA-ha!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2016
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A usual conversation

Today while I was having breakfast with my old man, I told him I was going spearfishing next weekend with my friends. He replied, "It's gonna be hard to get them to bite."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mysticblue1224
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2013
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Got my 8 year old brother with double pun, that left him in silence and me in laughter (as usual)

Playing soccer with my 8 year old brother (I'm sortve like an uncle to him) when he then says his eye is hurting.

Me: Really are you okay?

Him: Yeah it's alright. It happens sometimes when I'm reading and i can't make out the words.

Me: (thinking he may have dyslexia) Oh really, what happens to the words when you try to read them?

Him: I can't read them. Sometimes words just moosh together, like "they" and "are" become one word, it's weird.

Me: Maybe you just have conjunctivitis!

XD

(Then had to explain what "conjunctivitis" and a "conjunction" is - still a win in my books)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Behemoth_The_Cat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2015
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My mom remarked that the obituaries had had more people in them than usual.

My dad replied "well people are just dying to get in there"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chipch0p
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
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Not a parent yet but the girlfriend asks if it's okay to book a flight which returns at 1 am on our usual date night.

I tell her I'm flexible and touch my toes. She is not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpeakItLoud
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2016
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Not quite the usual submission but...

The fundamental nature of being a dad:

http://www.threepanelsoul.com/comics/2015-02-23-359.png

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchop_d_clown
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2015
🚨︎ report
Got bored with my usual beverages so I instead tried soaking a book in hot water

It wasn't great, but it was at least a novel tea.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KenNotKent
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
🚨︎ report

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