A German soldier during World War II was embellishing the number of troops he had with him

When the Allies thought it was just him, he claimed there were not 1 but 2. Then he changed his story to 3. Then he said 5, then 8, then 13, and finally 21. When the Allies made it to his position, they discovered that it actually was just him.

Turns out he was a fibber nazi.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Beegin deploying the troops
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MaxM0406
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?

A Lot

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/semanticdm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
There was once a troop of boy scouts camping in the mountains

Needing to refill on water, they approached a pristine mountain stream. "Surely we don't need to boil THIS water. It's so clear!" they thought. They all got sick.

Never judge a brook by its color.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/evanmcook
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the russian commander say to his troops?

"We're late, stop Stalin, Putin some effort."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAdamStorm
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the general say to their troops?

March 4th

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kevballs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The troop's previous supplier of clown shoes had gone out of business (thanks <insert disliked president here>!).

To find another so quickly was no small "feet".

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Whenever I hear Trump talk I think of a civil war leader rallying the troops.

I mean, just generally speaking.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KingBooRadley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
🚨︎ report
I heard troops in Afghanistan had trouble counting...

Ever since the tally ban.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Troub313
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
🚨︎ report
" So that you remember our troops this holiday season, here's an infant tree."

http://m.imgur.com/diy3i2m

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/frecklefries
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the solider that got hit with mustard gas and pepper spray?

He’s now a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘︎ 124
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CuteBearLegs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
War-pun.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wsharp325
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Wife thinks I am nuts!

So my daughter is in Girl Scouts. Everybody knows that the Girl Scouts sell cookies, but they also sell chocolates, nuts, and other snack food. Since we have only one car and a large garage we usually volunteer as a cupboard. Basically we get a few pallets of stuff and the area troops pick up from our place.

Me: [stopping mid pulling into the garage] What is that?!

Wife: [concerned] What is it?

Me: [shaking my head] That is nuts!

Wife: [eyes roll] Really?

Me: [laughing uncontrollably]

My son didn’t laugh either.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad tells people his name is Sam at every restaurant we go to so when they call his name he can say "Sam I am"

He does this at every restaurant. He has been going to the same Starbucks for about 7 years now and to this day they still think his name is Sam.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grantishere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2015
🚨︎ report
A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/U2BURR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What are those poles for taking your own picture called?

A narcissis-stick?

Adult leader training with the boy scouts this weekend was a goldmine

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doc_slice
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2016
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can't you run through a campsite?

You have to ran, because it's past tents.

A favorite with boy/girl scout troops...

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ardalis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Canadian Dad joke

-How does Louis Riel address his French-Native troops? -Ahoy MΓ©tis!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElBeatch
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you save an otter's life?

You clamp the otter-y.

Said this in the ER, got groans from a troop of nurses.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/edragon20
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
🚨︎ report
This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do I wear American flag briefs?

To support the troops.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/durnJurta
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Older gentleman told this joke at a Boy Scout campfire program a while ago. Thought it would fit here.

Once upon a time, when I was a wee lad, still in Boy Scouts, I went on a camping trip to Montana with my troop. It was going to be a great time, enjoying the cool weather and scenic views of the evergreen forests. However, we did have one issue: Montana is pretty notorious for having lots of bears. We weren't scared though, since our park ranger guide told us that bears can be scared off by making lots of noise, like yelling or hitting sticks on trees. Anyway, me and one of my friends, we'll call him Frank, were out exploring in the woods. We were doing what we were told to scare off the bears, but we were still a little antsy.

After a while, we got hungry, so we decided to sit down and eat our packed lunch. We found a nice log to sit on and rest our feet, and we put down our packs and started to sit. But then, Frank let out the BIGGEST scream I've ever heard! Then, he took off running, fast as a cheetah. I thought, "Uh, oh! Frank must've seen a bear!", so I took off after him. Frank was running so fast, we must have run for miles at breakneck speed. Eventually, he started to tire, and as I got closer, I saw why Frank screamed and started running. He had sat on a bear trap, and it was stuck fast to his rear end! We had a good laugh about it, but the bear trap really did leave its mark.

It's been a long time since that happened, and Frank hasn't run in while, but I like to tell this story because it explains why Frank's only half-fast now.

(If you don't get the joke, say the last sentence out loud)

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoofpint
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2016
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend was doing her makeup and told me her base was finished

"Then start making troops."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xkingxdreadx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
🚨︎ report
My daughter is a scout leader

She told her mum that she would be teaching her troop to tie knots next week. Her mum said "Your dad used to be in scouts, he'll be able to show you the knots". It's been about 40 years since I was in the scouts so I said "knot really"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ForeverGrumpy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.