My wife asked me, β€œWhy don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Better treat it gingerly!
πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Couldbeurmom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
How does United Airlines treat their passengers?

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honeygar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A dermatologist who treats boils without charging...

...would be a freelancer.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InexactDuplicate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How do Pirates treat sunburn?

ALOE, POPPET

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carrotflowerking2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
*me binge eating Christmas treats*

Jesus Christ what have you done to me!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sajinib
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
You can tell how people feel about your jokes by how they treat your gate.

If they leave it alone, they like your jokes. If they steal it, they've taken a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MakeMeADonut
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Going to treat myself to Velcro shoes, instead of laces.

Why knot ?

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does HP treat it's assembly workers so badly?

Because if they lovedcrafting them, they'd become eldritch horrors

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smiling_Cannibal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
As a newly qualified vet, I'm now allowed to treat animals.

Yesterday, I took a herd of cows out for drinks.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What was Michael Jackson’s favorite treat?

Little Deb Hee! Hee!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My son is going to therapy in order to treat his aibohphobia

He is even scared of saying it

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rex2000-2000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A kitchen sink that treats you right?

That's a Farrah Fawcett.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

πŸ‘︎ 246
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do they call cat treats in japan?

Nekko waffers.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcook311
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I treat unknown dogs like a phone call...

I always check the collar ID

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linkhandford
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Some children treat their parents like god.

They acts like they don’t exist until they want something.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said I can't treat people like objects.

I'm not so sure I can live with that.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zachpledger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
While I was walking the dog, our 4 yo was harassing my wife for a treat. She texted β€œShe’s trying to get a popsicle out of me.”

I responded β€œBut you’re not a freezer.”

I could feel the eye roll down the street.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/976chip
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a simp doctor treats his patients?

With sympathy

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ronty17
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the vet treat the eagle?

It was ill-eagle.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBrokeABone
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
When a guy I know meets people, he says he likes to treat them to shark fishing on his boat...

He says he's gotten a lot of chums that way.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife treats me like a baby, both in the bedroom and out.

She's my significant other mother.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a dyslexic person's favorite movie treat?

Copporn

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SinInDoubt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Trick or Treat
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealjameswood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I went into a pharmacy today and asked them β€œwhat can I get to treat the coronavirus”. The girl replied β€œammonia cleaner”

β€œOh sorry, I thought you worked here”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormac-Dockry
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I just hired a full time valet, and I found that people really treat you differently.

He has opened a lot of doors for me.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Urine for a treat
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ztimmmy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
How will we treat the Coronavirus in Macau?

Hand me Maphone and I'll call Mavet.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JhopkinsWA
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
So i visited a neurologic clinic that, between other mental illness, treats Alzheimer patients. This was their main lobby's painting.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XurroMaster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Them: Don’t treat women like objects

Me: Women women = new Women();

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paoerfuuul
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
β€ͺAn evil French chef mixes Kryptonite in their treats and flings them at Superman. Batman arrives on the scene but does nothing, allowing Jimmy Olsen to catch the pastries in a net, at which point Superman saves the day. It’s like they say:

Not all heroes snare crepes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atruthtellingliar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to a French hospital and the wouldn’t treat me.

Apparently they have a rule where your bps must be zero over zero or infinity over infinity.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jbeek24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Treat your wife to a night out

by changing the locks.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
FDA releases a new warning for black licorice this trick or treat season.

"It tastes like shit"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karmisson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I dont have any real ladders...just my step ladders....but I treat them the same...
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
what kind of doctors treat sick fish?

Fishicians

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My kids treat me like God.

They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife treats me like god

She ignores my existence and talks to me when she needs something

πŸ‘︎ 608
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eternalrocket
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife was complaining that I treat like her a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad is opening a store selling farm tools and frozen treats.

It's called Pop's Sickle Stand

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaBacLeis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me, β€œWhy don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said to me: ''Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?''

So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?''

So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report

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