My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
What do you call the first Ant to grace the Earth who can't be persuaded to Sin?
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
But the fifth one— dead Sirius.
What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?
A sunken chest with no booty.
The first time i used an elevator it was an uplifting experience
But the second time it let me down
At first the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Dad: What’s the first letter in “yellow”?
Kid: Y.
Dad: Because I want to know.
The first pun ever told
I didn't know this but the first pun ever was in a fairy tale. A woman living in a tower threw down her hair so her suitor could climb up and she said "Hair you are!". Not the best, but good to know how Rapunzel got her name.
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, he will never be there on time.
Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problems with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about eating the mother of two.
But upon further consideration he was gladiator.
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
What's the first thing Pikachu said when he met Raichu?
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.
He said, “You’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”
I got to pour cement for the first time today.
The results were pretty concrete.
Give ‘em the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
Two chefs are working on a meal, the first chef is caramelising onions when some spill out the pan, the second chef says “what happened? Onions can’t jump by themselves”
the first chef responds with “they can if they’re spring onions”
The password is “you need to buy a drink first” for people who don’t get it
Son: what was the first dad joke in history?
Dad: probably I’mroglyphics
Son: I’mroglyphics?
Dad: Hieroglyphics I’m dad!
Edit: formatting
Help! I started arranging them by artist but that wasn’t right. Then by title, but that wasn’t right either. Nor by colour. Nor alphabetically by first track title. Finally, I arranged them by number of tracks, but I just couldn’t get them in the right order. So I got rid of them all. Do I have 0CD?
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs...
Well that’s a different story.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
But that tablet only had 10 commands.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting a
When I first heard the proposal to rename Oklahoma City after Ohio, I was confused as to why anyone would want that. But after hearing someone explain the logic behind it, I thought to myself:
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
The first time I bought a universal remote control...
...I thought to myself "This changes everything."
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Did you hear about the first Neanderthal to get an 8-pack?
I guess you could say he’s ab-original.
What do you call a person in D.C. that never leaves the first floor of a building?
I was playing the song "In Memory of Elizabeth Reed" by the Allman Brothers for my ten year old daughter. She asked me how long ago I first heard the song. When I told her I heard it when it was first released, 50 years ago, She said,
"Was it called "In Honor of Elizabeth Reed" back then?
I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!
If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes”
I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
At first I didn't like the idea of sex
But after my first orgasm I came to my senses
This is going to be the first year that I haven't taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
What did the father airplane say to his son after his first successful flight
This is the first year I’m not going to Bora Bora because of COVID-19...
Normally I don’t go because I’m broke.
My kids were arguing over who got up first. The youngest proudly said, “I got up at 7!” The middle child, “oh ya?? I got up at 5!” The oldest then chimed in, beaming, “well I got up at 1!”
It was at that point that I stepped in and chided the oldest. No one likes a one-upper
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time...
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...
I think I’ve really improved the delivery!
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies...
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
Two lions walking through the Savannah, first one says ‘waaarghhhhhhh’
Second one says ‘sciatica still playing up?’
What was the babies first word
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
I got my first senior discount at the seafood restaurant last night.
It smelled good but it tasted like caarp.
Have you heard the Lego store is open for the first time since the COVID shutdown?
They're lining up for blocks.
He is the first of his kind
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
You should never talk about the Titanic on a first date...
It's a terrible Icebreaker
When we were kids, we used books of epic poems as bases. I once slid head first into "The Odyssey"...
What’s the first thing you say when you wake up in Utah?
Do you remember hearing your first dad joke? Is there one that has stuck with you through the years?
Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gf’s sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As we’re walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, “hey, now that you’re walking the wok, can you talk the talk?”. Not sure why but I’ll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. What’s yours?
Did you know the Apollo 11 astronauts arm wrestled to decide who would be the first man on the moon?
As a colorblind man, i thought i saw red for the first time
Turns out it was only a pigment of my imagination
What’s the perfect first date?
Did I do this right? I tried to do a name pun for the first time
I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
My 4 year old daughter’s first dad joke...Why did the dinosaur eat vegetables and fruit?
Because he didn’t like sour mice.
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
A surgeon had three surgeries assigned to the same day. After the first one he said: "One done, tumor to go"
What’s the perfect name to give to your first sim?
So I told my friend I was gonna watch Cars for the first time and he told me how it ends.
What came first the chicken or the egg?
At first I didn't understand the joke Pennywise told me
I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time...
She’s going to scream and run out of the park.
The first Karen to get sick was..
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said
Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!
How did the octopus do on his first football match?
A guy came into the bar to order a glass of Coca-Cola's first diet drink, saying to put it on his bill.
When the US first conceptualized the $100 bill they were thinking of putting the face of Jesus, as his ability to come back to life was greater than any wealth.
It would've been the 1 undead dollar bill
What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon
The first thing I’ll say if Captain James Hook ever get hit by a truck is
“You ain’t seeing half of the insurance money”
A new zoo opened in town. I went to check it out, but the first and only thing that they had was a single dog in a cage.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
I was awed first time I saw the room full of computers and servers...
It was such a pristine LANscape.
The cord never fits the first time
I beat my rivals by inventing the world's first book made from onion skin.
All the other numbers didn't like the first integer lower than 0.
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
I cut my own hair for the first time the other day. At first, I thought I did a poor job of it...
...but it's really starting to grow on me.
The first French Fries weren't actually cooked in France
They were cooked in Greece
The first French fries weren’t made in France
They where made in Greece
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance....
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
The First French Fries Weren’t Cooked In France
they were cooked in grease
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
The fifth one was dead sirius.
Did you know that the first French Fries were not cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
The first Karen to get covid was....
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