I keep forgetting the guitar tabs to that one Sublime song...

I guess you could say I dont practice Santeria.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CornCobMcGee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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A tab and keyboard in conversation

I am in you, you in me. We are in each other. True love. ❀️

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madjholu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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People ask me why I keep tabs on people I just met.

Well, how else are supposed to pay for their drinks?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolpink12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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A tab of acid
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirFlamey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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Never understood people that leave multiple tabs open
πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hanjanss
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
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I diagnosed myself with a form of ADD where I keep too many browser tabs open at one time...

Now if I can only find the WebMD page...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JH3M
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Jokes about can tabs are hard to pull off.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JessNei
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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What do you call a canned drink when the tab has broken off?

Can't drink

(spent a while designing that one. Really proud of it)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/live4lifelegit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
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Tears the tab off a soda can - "Want to hear my best duck call?"

Speaks into soda tab: "Calling all ducks"

My dad did this and it took me years to understand...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ursidaelius
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2015
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Keeping Tabs on You

A father walks up to his son and puts a post-it note on the son's shoulder.
Son: "Dad, what are you doing?!" He says as he tries to shimmy it off of his shoulder.
Dad: "Oh, don't worry, I am just keeping tabs on you."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/powderblock
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2014
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I broke a key off my keyboard yesterday...

I lost control.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cthutzpah
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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How do you spy on chrome?

You keep tabs on it!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AssasinatorX4
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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The 5 signs of laziness
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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There's no escape
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/not_sample_text
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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A guy came into the bar to order a glass of Coca-Cola's first diet drink, saying to put it on his bill.

He had a Tab.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.

i said i stopped giving a shift.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?

They put in a lot of shifts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabin100
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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What do you get when you give five doses of valium to a lizard?

A calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Middlerun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2017
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Today my wife told me she "can't even"

I just looked at her and said "well that's odd."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JordanMichael08
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2014
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All she wanted was Root Beer

While standing at the register of a New Orleans Hamburger & Seafood Co, the lady taking our order asked what we would like to drink. My girlfriend responds "I want some barq's!" To which I promptly replied, "woof, woof, WOOF!" 0 laughs or smiles and I could feel the air around me thicken with dad joke cringe. Fuck it, I loved it.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ddesla2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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My band's bass player was difficult to find

But I have no bass-is for comparison

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingMidas99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2016
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My husband (who is a dad) dad joked me over text message for the first time today.

Me: I turned Pandora off, but it is still playing and I would have to completely close all my school work tabs to shut the stupid thing down. Several songs later, and it still won't go away. ):|

Him: You have opened Pandora's Box.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jenovadark00
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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Why will typists quit in the future?

They'll get key bored and shift to space bartending.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lobsterbash
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Internet browsers

I'm keeping tabs on them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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What did the pop can say to the bartender?

Put it on my tab

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/INP786
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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Why is a web browser the best customer for a bar owner?

They rarely close their tabs.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2076baseballbat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2017
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(Girlfriend talking about spring cleaning) Does your window even have screens?

Yeah, I have like three tabs open.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FarmerGreen13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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A horse walks into a bar...

So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks if he wants a beer. The horse goes "neigh." So the bartender kicks him out for wasting space, and on top of it, horsing around. 30 minutes later, a donkey comes in, orders the most expensive drink and a round for the house. When it comes time to pay the tab, the donkey says, "oh, by the way, you kicked out my husband, a horse, earlier," then walks out without paying. The bartender was upset, but knew he'd serve the occasional horse's ass.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blue8844
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2017
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My keyboard is making my life fall apart

I've not been able to keep tabs I feel like I'm losing control I'm stuck N this situation My days are numbered...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trashcancomic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
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A dinner joke only a dad could make.

Me: checks restaurant tab "So you can get two $6 drinks, but when I get a $2 soda you complain?"

Dad: "It's all relative. When I'm paying for myself it's fine. But when I pay for my relatives it's not."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garrett_4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2016
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Duck Call

Dad sees someone drinking a can of soda pop. He points to the tab on the top and says, "ever seen one of those used as a duck call?"

Invariably they'll say "no."

He'll pull the top off, slightly bend it several times, each time blowing a practice puff through it, and then put it to his mouth and yell....

...."HERRRRRRRE DUCKY DUCKY DUCKY!!!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lautzy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
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An amoeba walks in a bar.

The bartender says "Make sure to pay your tab before you split".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/synnarc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2016
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Rehearsal dinners... when two dads combine their awesome powers

Wedding rehearsal dinner this past Friday. Father-of-the-groom is picking up the tab and the check arrives.

Father-of-the-bride: Hope you've got a good Visa!

Father-of-the-groom: Nope. I'm in the country illegally.

All dads in attendance laugh boisterously. Groom laughs while bride wonders what the hell she's gotten herself into.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtsjr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2014
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A group of animals went to a bar for drinks.

When the tab came they pooled their money to pay.

The Duck had a bill

The Frog had a greenback.

The deer had a buck.

The Skunk had a scent.

Then the giraffe said,"Don't worry boys, the High Balls are on me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveHRRT
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
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I consider myself a decent purveyor of dad jokes, but my dad showed me there is still much to learn from him

I was drinking in an Irish pub on St. Patrick's Day a few years ago when the building suffered a malfunction. The register cover of the air conditioning vent was not secured to the wall and worked its way loose, hitting me and a friend. I ended up with a cut on my forehead, a spiffy blue bandaid from the kitchen first aid kit, and a comped bar tab.

My dad told me I should have duct.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tasty_rogue
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huhmanrawx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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I was fired from the keyboard factory today

I wasn't putting in enough shifts

πŸ‘︎ 442
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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