My wife asked me to stop quoting Taylor Swift lyrics all the time

I never saw it coming, wouldn’t have suspected it

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tim_owens
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
When does a adult know it’s time to stop parting and drinking?

When it becomes a parent

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolme07
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?

He was Thor.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.

He really whiffed hard.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yawyaw42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was making breakfast for the first time and he distraughtly asked me, "How do you stop the sausages from curling in the pan?!" I smiled and advised…

"Well son, just take away their little brooms."

πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
(Meta) Yes, the trail-mix-peanuts-cranberries-eminem-joke has been posted here around 10 times already, stop reposting it!

thanks.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time I tell a dad joke people give me that β€œoh god” look thinking it’ll make me stop

But eye roll with it

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PepeSilvia267
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. It’s time to move on and stop living in ...
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darlosworld
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time i stop at a stop sign or stop light, i always hear advertisements for things

God, how i hate commercial brakes

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boxymcboxbox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time my friend Denise stops by

Dad: Hi, Da niece. How is your brother, Da nephew?

πŸ‘︎ 389
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Flying_Toe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
🚨︎ report
It's time for me to stop hanging around this sub

I have outgroan it

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
🚨︎ report
What my dad does every time I say stop

When hes annoying me and I say stop this is usually what happens

Me: dad can you stop

Dad: I cant im not moving (sitting at a table)

Or,

Me: dad please stop

Dad: (in car) slams on brakes whether we are in traffic or not.

Its pretty funny but even more annoying.

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheehan7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
🚨︎ report
He wouldn't stop until I finished this joke with him every time.

Dad: Can you call your sister?

Me: What do you want me to call her?

Dad: I don't care what you call her, just don't call her late for dinner!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superherosam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
🚨︎ report
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes

It Taurus apart

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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I used to eat watches and clocks for every meal, but I had to stop.

It was too time consuming.

πŸ‘︎ 957
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bombsaway1083
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe..

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoldenBalls7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Cow jokes that are great for making your kids' eyes roll :

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef!

What do you call a cow after it gives birth? De-calf-enated!

Did you hear about that cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.

(After they beg you to stop, hit them with: "Ok, it's time too mooooove on to some different jokes. These cow jokes are getting udderly ridiculous.")

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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In Africa, every 60 seconds…

A minute passes

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...

..so we stopped and went home.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.

I can stop any time.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jasonhackwith
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,

Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2016
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I listened to Queen albums for 12 hours in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Violins
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/max_all_mighty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Guess he’ll Bβ™­out of luck come band class
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Balzar7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What an absolute ewenit
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aevaeternity
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.

Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeremywarne
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Resistance is futile.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Puns
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A rock star's Journey

A number of years ago I was in a rock band. We were hugely successful, playing some of the biggest venues and entertaining swarms of fans.

The last shoes we ever played were on our world tour. We played the Americas and then flew over to Europe. We played our way through Russia and even a couple of gigs in China, before selling out our final show in Japan.

It was a hell of a Journey, but it was time for me to hang up my guitar. I retired from the rock star life and got an office job in Tokyo.

I made a few friends at work, and grew close with one in particular, Narada-san. One day Narada had the day off for a funeral, but that wasn't enough; he needed more time. He was torn between his obligation to return to work and his desire to have more time at home. He asked me what he should do.

The answer was simple. I picked up my guitar and played a Japanese version of our biggest hit from 1981:

Don't Stop Bereaving

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toydles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing tops a plain pizza.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lumikue
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Mama Frog was really struggling with her youngest, Little Hop. He couldn’t seem to sit still!

That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.

You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.

Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..

And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, β€œIf you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”

Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.

Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.

And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!

And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..

β€œI toad you so.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, β€œWhat exactly happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, β€œSorry. No time.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the computer take its Hat off?

Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.

Edit- North of 4k upvotes, Thank You Kind Strangers.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatindiandood
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was just born(!) and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry eachother.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

πŸ‘︎ 24k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nachbar
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
🚨︎ report
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?

It’s fully groan.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the brown nose reindeer?

He’s the one who can’t stop on time.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid

I can stop any time I want.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/off-and-on
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report

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