My girlfriend always rolls her eyes at me and the other day she snapped and yelled at me to stop. I said, “This is my house, don’t make me put my foot down..”
I can’t help but get a little sappy.
"Hey, grab two of those cans. Touch the bottom edges together so it makes a V shape. Now rest the V on top of that third can there. Want to know what that's called? Soda Y."
It's a condition where I am unable to vacuum for fear of sweeping up expensive toys like Lego pieces.
Because it's a periodic table.
But that's just how I roll
But I reply “NO I AM A CAPITALIST”
Doctor says, ‘that’s alright; you’re just too tense.’
They just want to hold it to show their love!
Me: Are you sure it’ll make sense? I haven’t seen the first fifteen.
Dad: You go all the time when you play baseball! UUUUUURRRRRR UUUPPP!
I've been at home all year.
It was grate
I responded: I can't answer that, I've taken a vowel of silence
I was trying to make a joke about a jellyfish being called a 'deli fish' and asking them for a sandwich. I'll admit the 'joke' wasn't fully baked.
Have I reached a dad joke milestone with this level of criticism? LOL
But other times I give in to The Temptations.
Yeti never complains.
Don't even get me started because I don't feel like opening a whole can of worms right now.
Other times, I let her sleep in.
That's where "Yo-ho-ho" came from.
But most of the time she lets them both sleep in.
But most of the time I just let her sleep in.
But only when it’s horny.
Not to drive, but to dress up in for Transformers cosplay.
Dude wears my car.
I'll let you figure out the riddle. Edit: For those who mentioned it, yes, I realize it works better in speech
So proud of my son, he came up with this himself: because they can’t find a knife to cut the cheese.
I get a little board.
Noise cancelling fists
Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon
A garbage truck!!! Sorry, I know this one stinks. Total trash.
Then we both laugh and laugh.
Every day is ground hog day.
It must be because I'm only an uncle.
Which is partly why he hates road trips with me.
He keeps making rookie mistakes
And that stinks
Never got to finish the storey
Me: Sometimes
Opinions.
That’s just how I roll.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a printout. The vet took the paper, handed it to the woman and said' "Here, the bill is $1500."
"$1500!" the woman exclaimed. "How much for the rest of the duck?"
That’s when he’s esoteric.
…because it doesn’t want to be choco-late
I've curd it's the whey they are told.
Yeti never complains
Yeti never complains.
