I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Martha had always listened to her parents when they said ‘stay away from fire’, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.
Martha was burning with curiosity
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
Made my girlfriend laugh at first, then make a pained sound when she got it. 10/10 dad joke in my opinion.
/r/Jokes/comments/fu5vmq/…
Got the wife when she told me I'm a 'poet and didn't know it'
You mean an ignorhymus?
[Judging from my username, I think this might be OC]
It was no Secret when I went and got my girlfriend the wrong deodorant. She acquiesced reluctantly anyway...
Got myself stranded today so I rang my wife. She called me an idiot but it’s been 45 minutes and they still haven’t turned up.
I got my wife some lipstick made from vodka, but she hates it...
She says it keeps Smirnoff.
Daughter's video game character got turned into a vampire, she didn't like it when I said, "That sucks."
Jeez, I make a perfectly good vampire joke and that's the fangs I get.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...
Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.
My wife told me that if I got her one more idiotic gift she would burn it.
So I got her the night before Christmas DVD box set...I kinda wanted an extra copy for my mom
Got my 3 year old, but she didn't get it
We were playing "restaurant", and this was a special restaurant that only only animals went to.
In the middle of playing a family of goats came to the restaurant and they were ordering their food.
"Daddy, what's the baby goat going to eat?"
"The kid's meal"
I cracked myself up
A man got a vasectomy without telling his wife. When she finds out about it, she is livid. "Are you serious?" She screams.
"Yes, I'm not kidding you."
I have two big ladders at home but when I got married to my second wife, she had a small ladder, so now I have a step ladder but I love it all the same
My little niece got a pony for Christmas. She told me to look at its tongue ‘cause “it looked weird”. Told her I’d have to pass.
I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.
I'm not giving my wife an anniversary gift this year. Last year I got her an expensive gift and she didn't use it !!
Got my girlfriend at a Mexican restaurant. She was still telling people about it later that night.
She asked if I minded her taking some cheese dip off of my plate.
I told her, "Of course not. Mi queso es su queso."
Got my fiancée. She is still my fiancée, but it was close.
We were driving by a vacant building that used to be a McDonald's. It's been vacant a few months and now there's a big "For Lease" sign on the property.
Her: "Looks like they're having trouble renting the McDonald's."
Me: "Yeah, I heard they had to hire a big realty company."
Her: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah. Old McDonald's has a firm."
The wedding is still on.
My sister got a new pillow for her birthday but she said she was not sure if she liked it.
My dad said she should sleep on it.
For our wedding anniversary I told my wife I got her a cardigan. After she opened her card she asked where it was...
I pointed to the card and said "I got you a card again"
How is she still with me? I actually got her a trip Vegas.
My mom got me and she didn't know it.
My mom was cleaning out a dish with her hand saying eww the whole time. I asked her why she was using her fingers..... "Because it was handy"
I don't think she got it.
Dad joked the deli clerk today. I handed her our punch card, you know the ones where you get your 11th meal free after 10 hole punches.
Clerk: (remarking at the previous poorly punched holes) I hate when they half-punch the holes.
Me: that's pretty hard to do considering it's a whole puncher.
got my daughter, she sent it back at me
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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