I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'

What do they want a medal?

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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My doctor told me that I was going to have to make some sacrifices to improve my health....

Anyone know if he meant human or animals ?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Why did the necromancer laugh at the ritual sacrifice?

He misplaced his sacrificial bones with his HUMERUS ones!!!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatsMrRobert2U
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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The priest at our church wanted to do something different with the place where sacrifices are made...

He decided to altar it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.

I’m thinking of choosing a goat.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work.

She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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I just wanted to see some geese at the pond But I refused to perform the blood sacrifice required.

As they say, no harm, no fowl.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/milburbaspho
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Aztec human sacrifice wasn't as serious as historians make it out to be.

It was actually quite a lighthearted affair.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m4cktheknife
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
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Sometimes you have to sacrifice being a gentleman for the juicy dad joke.

Girlfriend and I are walking to dinner one night and on she says, "I'm chilly ❄️" and I turn and say, "Nice to meet you chilly, I'm stew." The look on her face... It was great and terrifying all at the same time.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwoods2122
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
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How did Jesus pay for all our sins?

Praypal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rplusg
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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Threw up
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BanAllPineapples
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry

Me: it’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.

My dad: it’s a sockrifice.

(This was an actual joke made by my actual dad today.)

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emthejedichic
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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What happens when frogs park illegally

They get toad

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/froiman23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dirty NASA experiment unearthed

NASA decided to send a vegetable to space. After the rough takeoff the spud soiled himself.

Operation Spud-Nik turned violent when the astronauts, due to unforeseen circumstances, ran out of food. It wasn't long before the five guys came up with a plan. They unearthed him and gouged his eyes out. As unappealing as it sounded, spud was sliced up, fried and eaten. Noone seemed to mind a little assault. Sometimes spaceflight is unpredictable and dirty sacrifices must be made.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeeSpaceApiaries
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Running a Mayan school must have been difficult

After all you had to make sure the kids didn't sacrifice their principals.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ivegot_back
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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Shout-out to all the dads!

I came to realize that dad jokes are often bad because they are actual original content. Dad's sacrifice their dignity by constantly trying to make jokes and once in a while a good one is made and used by the family members who take all the credit!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marath007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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College tour....

It was one of those rare days at college where my friend Gerald and I had gotten out of class and we had nothing to do.

We decided to hop on a college tour just for fun and see what happens. I attempted to ask questions that would help the tour, but Gerald was asking very weird obvious joke questions.

We get to the chapel and Gerald asks β€œyeah, does this chapel have the necessary alter I need to make my many sacrifices?”

And then this dad next to me, living his daddest life, without missing a beat, turns to me and says: β€œThe tuition is the sacrifice, am I right?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stopwatch9120
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Isaac was helping Abraham to build a gaming PC.

They found all the parts that they needed on online, and we're ready to order. Right before Abraham hit the Checkout button, Isaac reviewed the contents of the order:

Isaac: "Dad, you're missing the memory."

Abraham: "God will provide the RAM."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IdonJuanTatalya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
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Why do they call it an β€œaltar”?

Because religion changes you.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SvenSvenkill2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
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A guy I know tore his ACL and this is how he told everyone on Facebook

While this news undoubtedly sucks, I'm trying to take it in stride and em-brace it nonetheless! The recovery will give me the opportunitknee to improve my skills as a sideline player and some extra downtime to expand my abilities in programming and graphic design. I plan to continue at-tendon practices and other events as normal though! So many teammates, past and present, have already been incredibly supportive and reached out to help me; its certainly been a joint effort, and I can't thank you all enough for that. In hindsight, I wouldn't change akneething about attending USA U24 tryouts as tenacity, perserverance, and sacrifice are often the names of the game in pursuit of distant dreams. Ultimately, I guess some things are just liga-meant to be!

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2017
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[META] A plea for real dad jokes.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
🚨︎ report
I've had a headache for a couple days now...

Wife: Why don't you try these essential oils for migraines.

Me: At this point, I'd try rain dances and chicken sacrifices!

Wife (ignoring my comment): You might have to keep trying them before they work though.

Me: But won't I run out of chickens??

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemanerich
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
🚨︎ report
My grandfather donates blood on a regular basis...

"I just gave my 12th gallon of blood this afternoon. I'm exhausted. That's a lot to sacrifice in one sitting."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EZAC99
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2014
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I used this joke!

My friend said this on facebook: "Really digging this new Living Sacrifice Album. Also excited to find out that Still Remains released a new album!!"

My response, as if there could possibly be more than one:

"So, you're saying that Still Remains... still remains?"

I'm a dad to a 19-month old, so I have to get all my practice in now that way I'm a pro by the time he's old enough to understand my awesome dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KigerWulf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
🚨︎ report

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