Rouse Puns

There was a captain that was roused from his cabin by a commotion on his ship.

He ran out and yelled “Whats going on?!"

His first mate replied “We Have Octopuses on the poop deck, captain!”

The Captain looked around as a few squid scurried around the deck and said “Inform the passengers that our arrival to shore will be delayed due to... tentacle difficulties."

...until today when I caught him texting with both his thumbs.

Being the sarcastic smart are son of his, I asked " when did you learn to type with both thumbs?" he smiled and happily replied: "The day I learned I was Ambi'text'rous".

He laughed for about 5 minutes and proceeded on to tell mum and my brother about his funny pun

Good one dad.

There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.

One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.

So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of

♪ Guess who died in the woods today ♫ Do Dah, Do Dah. ♫ Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬

My dad used to wake me up by standing beside my bed and repeatedly saying, "Up and atom (at 'em). Up and proton. Up and electron. Up and molecule." Now he still does it when I'm home from college, and as I get harder to rouse, more subatomic particles.

Seriously, it was pre-pasta-rous!

A train traveling through the DDR is carrying Stalin, Krushchev, and Breznev through the Urals. It breaks down.

Stalin lines up the crew of the train, the local villagers, and the passengers, and shoots every 5th person.

Krushchev lines up the survivors and gives them a rousing speech about how much better Soviet trains will run in 7 years.

Breznev sits back down, pulls the blind shut, bounces up and down in his seat, and pretends the train is still running.

The DDR politburo votes themselves out of office because the train won't run.

:D

During the Super Bowl there was another football game being played: big animals vs small animals. After the first half the big animals were crushing the small animals. Nevertheless, the coach of the small animals gave a rousing halftime speech to keep spirits high.

The second half begins and the small animals are on defense. On first down the elephant is stopped for no gain. Then on second down the rhino is stopped for no gain. Finally on third down the hippo is sacked for a five yard loss.

After the series, the coach gathers the defense on the sideline and says, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"That was me," responses the centipede.

"And what about the rhino on second down?" the coach continues.

Again the centipede responds, "That was me too, coach."

Lastly the coach asks who sacked the elephant.

Yet again the centipede takes credit.

The amazed coach says, "Well where were you the first half?"

"I was getting my ankles taped."