A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing “Don’t stop Believing”.
It was an unexpected Journey.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
“Because they have no balls to scratch”
Why do the people of Athens not wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Why did the Amazon package wake up in a bathtub full of ice?
Because it was de-livered.
Sometimes, I wake up grumpy.
Sometimes, she wakes me up.
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
You po-po-po-poke her face!
A sheep wakes up to find that she's at a completely different farm.
None of the other sheep seem alarmed, so she goes and asks another sheep what's going on.
"Oh, haven't you herd?"
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Every morning, I wake up to find someone has dumped a box of play doh in front of my door.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Did anyone wake up Green Day?
Hi, I was specifically requested on this day, October 1st, to wake up Green Day. Did anyone wake up Green Day?
Bilbo Baggins wakes up to hear “I’m a Loser Baby” for the third day in a row.
It was There and Beck again.
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
A bloke wakes up in hospital after an operation and shouts "Doctor I cant feel my legs"
The doctor said i know we chopped your arms off.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?
To beat the crowd.
Edit: All credit goes to u/AleoMoorea, who posted it here.
What do ants drink when they wake up?
Why do I always cry when I wake up?
It’s too early in the mourning!
What time do ducks wake up?
*Wakes up with ear infection*
An alcoholic wakes up in prison
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
A lawyer wakes up after surgery
He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn.
She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Someone just arrested my friend’s dad, and he won’t wake up.
I was on a family vacation in Japan when I slept in one day. My dad flung open my door and told me to wake up. I said, “Dad, what do you think this is?...
...the Land of the Rising Son?”
What’s the first thing you say when you wake up in Utah?
Every night I put my cellphone in charging and I wake up finding it in another room.
What do you tell yourself when you wake up with fever and realize you are late for work?
What's the first thing you should do tomorrow if you wake up a billionaire?
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
A baker’s son wakes up in the hospital with no legs.
The father asked him if he was feeling sad.
The boy said no I deserved this I got too into the breadmaking and lost my cool.
The man sat back in his chair perplexed even more.
He asked him ok but why did you need them?
The boy looked confused.
Everyone needs them, to walk to run and to play.
No but why the fuck did you knead them?
A guy wakes up from surgery. "How'd it go, Doc?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg...
The good news is that your other leg is all better."
What do you call it when you wake someone up from cryogenic sleep?
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why do girls rub their eyes after they wake up?
Because they have no balls to scratch!
Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to “Don’t stop Believing”.
It was an unexpected Journey.
Some days I wake up grumpy
But most days I let her sleep
Why does my wife rub her eyes when she wakes up?
Because she has no balls to scratch
Every morning after I wake up, I find that someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
I wake up grumpy some mornings...
But usually I let her sleep.
Why do the riot police wake up so early?
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
How do you wake up lady gaga?
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