Guy #1: Check out these pictures I took of the wheat fields during my drive in the country

Guy #2: That would explain why they look so grainy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iniquitor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Oil bet this would be great to drive out and go star gazing with
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kioshi43
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Happened a few mornings ago when pulling out the drive way.

I noticed a bird on top of our trash can tweeting away. i told my wife that he was talking trash.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/llBLAZENll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2016
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I was just about to drive off from visiting my folks when dad came running out waving his hands...

"Oh good you're still here, your mother asked me to call you back... <dramatic pause>... Hello Back, I'm dad :-D"

GODDAMMIT DAD NOT AGAIN

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theredkrawler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2016
🚨︎ report
My daughter had her 6th driving test yesterday. She got 8 out of 10.

The other 2 jumped out of the way.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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Driving the neighborhood, I told my son we would use the odometer to measure out our Turkey Trot 5k

> Son: It's gonna take a lot of yard sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Was out driving. Hit a streetlamp.

Only had light damage.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mundane_days
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at UNCW. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed.... Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me.

I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.

She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/izzy10200
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I freak out when I go through a tunnel, but only when someone else is driving.

Doctor says I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frinxo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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Proud dad moment happened today!

My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said β€œthat’s a nice car huh?” And he replies β€œwhat car? All I see are wheels.” It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BakedDoeBoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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I recently moved and my dad is visiting for the first time.

We were driving around town and I was pointing out to him all the happening spots when he casually said, "looks pretty dead in here."

I look over to see him gesturing towards the local graveyard...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/btcrav2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.

The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Driving with my son and we pass a farm. I point out the flock of cows. He turns to me and says "Dad it's a herd of cows"

Heard of cows, of course I heard of cows. I just pointed out a flock of them.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chefdumbdumb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A company with travelling salespeople had an accounting procedure...

There with a company with a lot of travelling salespeople, and they had an accounting procedure that was somewhat unusual. Since the salespeople were driving around a lot, they had to pay a lot of highway tolls. They would get reimbursed for this. Since these expenses were so common, and different from other expenses, they had a series of ceramic tiles that represented the amount of money they paid to take these highways. At the end of the day, after travelling their routes, they would come back and put them in the cash register and take money out to reimburse themselves. But the highways all raised their rates, and so the salespeople would come back with hands full of their tiles. So one Friday, after raised rates and very busy travel, the boss came in to look at the receptionist and her overloaded cash register. He asked her what was going on, and she said:

"The tall tiles in the till tell a tale of tall tolls"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glowing-fishSCL
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I snore so loudly...

It scares the shit out of the people I'm driving.

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Driving in the car and my Dad has suddenly just announced β€˜my nickname is Spider-Man. Not because I have any special powers, it’s because I can’t get out of the bath’.
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2017
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Kenny Rogers was driving along the highway and discovered his rear wobbly tire popped off his truck and rolled down the middle of the road. That's when he broke out in song...

"You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Wheel!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreakyStarrbies
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
If Apple came out with a self driving car, would it have Windows?
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokesig
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend and I were driving up his driveway when I found out he's a dad

"I'm gonna get the mail. There might be some femail in there too"

πŸ‘︎ 186
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitter_box
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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My wife and I were driving by the county jail and we saw a midget who was climbing out the window attempting to escape.

I said, "Well that's a little con-descending."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PenguinGrylls
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you throw a book out your window while driving down the street?

Litterature!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/starzwillsucceed
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I caught my Dad checking some chick out as he was driving

So it's my dad and i, sitting the the car, he was driving and i was in the passenger seat. All of a sudden he seemed to slow down a little as if he was giving way to someone turning in. however there where no cars, and i could see him glaring out of the window at what seemed to be the nicest pair of jugs id ever seen. anyway i got pretty pissed and asked him what the hell he is doing? to which he replied : "Its ok to look at the menu, As long as you eat at home son"... i laughed so hard at this, and i'm pretty sure he wanted to make it obvious to "teach me some sort of lesson".

anyway thats my little bit of humor, not that anyone will probably care !

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bioleague
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Broke out a classic driving my son to Confirmation class at out church.

Why do Lutherans smell?

They enjoy sitting in their own pew.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cliffkleven
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
So I was out driving with my dad...

Him: "Did you hear they opened up a new zoo in town?" Me: "Really?" Him: "Yeah, but nothing but dogs in it. It's a shit zoo"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atlantis145
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad told me this one last night

Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says β€œdid you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.

He started pointing them out to me.

"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."

++++++++++++++++++

I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.

I like it. I'm proud of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My roommate pointed out a guy running in a bike line while we were driving.

Her: Doesn't he need to be on a bike?

Me: Well...he is bipedal.

Cue groan.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noteverrelevant
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Was driving down the road and my son sees a car with a Wisconsin license plate and points it out to me..

I said "I know, I can smell their dairy air from here!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Manc0mbSeepgood
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Driving past a guy dressed as an ice cream cone handing out flyers...

...my younger brother asks out loud "What's that guy doing?"

Without a seconds hesitation my dad: "He's just chilling out"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c14ret
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
🚨︎ report
I love snails so I painted the letter S all over my car

Now whenever I'm out driving, people point to my car and say: "Look at that S car go."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad busted this one out last time we were driving together

A random bug splats on the windshield

Dad: "What do you think was the last thing to go through that bugs mind?"

Me: "I don't know... what?"

Dad: "It's ass."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flyguy727
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
🚨︎ report
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.

It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad is driving the car out of a parking garage...

...and my little brother from the back seat says,

Brother: we just made four right turns in a row.

Dad: it's a good thing we haven't made any wrong turns yet.

Dammit Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prince_la
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
🚨︎ report
Driving past a Chipotle in SoCal that had half its sign burnt out...

Looks like they ran out of chips.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wauzy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2014
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Warning!

Be aware We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) I went to pick it up last night and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!WTF??!!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ... And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!!!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Weedwacker01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.

Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Physical dad jokes
  • Pretending to pick fleas out of my kids hair and then eating them.
  • Waving back at people who clearly aren't waving at me.
  • Intentionally missing a high five.
  • Pressing the car horn when I'm in the passenger seat and the teenager is driving slowly past other people.
  • Answering "Yes dear" in a falsetto voice when one of the kids yells for mum.

What else have you got?

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Day Job

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad just cracked this one out while we were driving.

So we pass a street with a sign that says "Garage Sale"

My mother points out "Oh look a garage sale lets stop by!"

My father then responds with "I think our garage doors work fine no need for new ones!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WirelessBrains
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
🚨︎ report
I had one of the first computers that could talk.....

But this one day, the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I went out and got a Zip drive.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickcheney600
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report

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