So, I had the headache.
That was a pain in the ass.
I guess you could say I'm going to be a Corona Extra.
I'll be Bach
Cause he's Dolittle now.
He was too hammy
.... the Lion said “ I’m game!”.
How cute is that? So I slipped it into my pocket and took it home to show my kids.
I'm the new soup advisor
she wants me to be extra knotty
They really have to get into their character.
9 Inch Nails
A part tied
The movie is called "You Tolkien to me?"
Me: No, just toast and coffee.
When Downey got the role, they had to change the movie title to Iron Man instead of Ferrous Bueller's Day Off.
I heard his performance was moving.
He is there to provide fire support.
Love is blind, but it has a great sense of smell.
Because he thought there shouldn’t be another Good Will Hunting
Because she didn't meet Dakota for the month yet.
He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.
"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."
The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"
"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."
Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.
At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.
"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."
"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."
I was Santa she was a naughty girl. 'Unfortunately you've been a naughty girl and you're on Santas naughty list and wont be receiving any presents this year.' 'oh no Santa i really want a present i'll do anything to get on your good list' 'oh i dont know if there is a way i'm afraid' you're just going to have to bend over my knee and take your spank now.' bare butt spanks occur 'Please Santa let me on your good list I'm begging you' 'Well come to think of it there is a Claus in the contract' .... Then realising the accidental Santa Claus pun I made I had to be sure she got it. 'Get it! CLAUS HHAHAHA CLAUS LIKE SANTA CLAUS HAHAHAHHAA' yeah she didnt find it as funny as me... No sex for me..
They're really the kind of people you can look up to
edit: What's the difference between my good-for-nothing son, and a basketball player? A basketball player gets payed to lay up all day.
So this was a conversation between me and my dad today:
Dad: I'm starving Me: Hi, starving. I'm Nick. Dad: Please tell me you did not just say that. Me: I never said "that". I said "Hi, starving. I'm Nick."
My Dad is now ashamed of me.
https://imgur.com/a/583Ao
"I can't," the lawyer said. "I'd be dis Bard."
Mom to me: Hey, go make me a chicken pot pie
Step dad: BAM! You're a chicken pot pie!
I totally believe in parenting similar to Calvin's father. As such, when my 6 year old son came to me and asked me why his index finger was shorter than his middle, I rationally explained to him that it had to be shorter because he'd poke his brain when he picked his nose.
It's been 3 weeks and he still believes me. :D
They were just two tired to show up.
My dad has been growing a moustache for Movember, and I commented on it.
Me: You know, you should grow a Lenin beard; it'd suit you.
Him: Really?
Me: Yeah, you could cosplay as Lenin and go to conventions! Hey, you could go to CommieCon! [satisfied grin]
My fiancée is a graduate student. The cat likes to whine until she's picked up. As my fiancée was studying, the cat jumped up onto her desk.
Her (to the cat): "If you come over here, you're going to get held."
Me: "No, you're playing into her hand!"
Her: "She doesn't have any hands."
I must say, I'm a bit proud.
'Hey now, Dad, don't hate on DiCaprio. He's a saint, and has never won an Oscar despite his many Oscar-worthy roles." "I think only the Food Network can determine that. " "The Food Network?" "Yeah. What kind of rolls are you talking about?"
That was a pain in the ass.
