What do you call houses who have good behavior?

Manors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
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Found guilty on all charges, the train couldn't rationalize his off-the-wall behavior.

It was a loco motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
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The new "Joker" movie is rated R for Strong bloody violence, language, disturbing behavior and brief sexual images"..

I guess you could say that the "Joker" without an R is just a joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grmnlad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior.

He was a danger to himself and udders.

πŸ‘︎ 626
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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My friend lost his cow milking job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behavior.

He was a danger to himself and udders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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I just had a meeting with my cats about their recent behavior.

A "meow-wow", i suppose you could call it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaron_gx
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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My wife texted me about our toddler’s behavior today.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rarehighfives
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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A woman worried about the suspicious behavior of her husband decides to follow him. Instead of going to the office, she finds him in a small laboratory making soap.

Caught in the act he admits, "Honey, I've been living a lye..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/illinoisape
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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My wife was texting me about our kid’s behavior today...

https://s15.postimg.cc/ryjmvgj2z/FBB124_EF-_C0_BC-44_D4-_A359-27_F2_A36_F1193.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rarehighfives
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"

Such a random way to start a conversation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrYellowfield
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
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My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him..

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/champion-13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
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He is a good Conductor
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyYoda
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
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Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?

His Dad finally grounded him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
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What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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My cow stopped producing milk

What an udder disappointment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KurlyKarl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an off

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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I'm not permitted to open the side panel of my PC.

It' glassified.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Velociraptor45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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To rob a bank is better than to have children.

After five years you can be released for good behavior.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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Son: At what age did I stop doing that?

I apologize in advance as this isn't exactly a joke, but whenever my son (23) asks me this question, I always answer with a wildly incorrect age. It is even better when his friends are around. I was curious if this counts as "Dad Joke behavior" and if anyone else does this or has a dad that does it.

Some examples

  1. When was I toilet trained- 12
  2. When did I stop sleeping with my ass in the air- 15
  3. When did I stop dropping my pants and underwear to my ankles to pee at a urinal- 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thegreatsnook
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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The Rude Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said β€œI believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fred1840
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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My dad goes to Mexican restaurants and shakes the empty chip container like a peddling homeless man and says : "Chips for the poor favor"

He does it to this day and laughs every time, my sister and mother have chosen to start ignoring that type of behavior which makes it funnier to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_var_log_messages
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
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Dropped a computer on my toe today...

...it megahertz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBeerded
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
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The other day, I saw a guy pooping on a car in a parking lot.

If you ask me, that's really fowl behavior.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/massivevivid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Help: geology-themed puns needed.

My sister teaches at a high school for children with learning and behavior disorders, and every year she hosts a skills summer camp.

2015 will be geology-themed, and we need help thinking of a fun name for the camp.

Previous years: 2014 Summer Scenarios: Little Egypt (Egyptian themed) 2013 Summer Scenarios (first year had no kitchy name, but it was zombie-themed)

Potential examples: Stone Throne, Rock Steady, Taken for Granite, etc.

During the live-in camp (boarding school), they'll learn survival/outdoorsmanship skills (fire starting, gardening, canoeing, etc.), and have geologists as guest speakers.

Any high school learning-friendly geology-themed blockbusters would be welcome suggestions, too--but I'll post that for the people over at /r/movies.

Thanks in advance!

Edit: Thanks to everyone who actually gave appropriate suggestions, and high-fives to those who just made rock puns. My sister selected Game of Stones.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allthedoll
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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Did you hear about the cheese that went to prison?

He was released early on Gouda behavior.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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I got fired for giving a back rub to a psychic.

They don't tolerate massage-a-mystic behavior.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Omny87
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
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Why did the cheese get out early?

Gouda behavior.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Continuum_Gaming
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2016
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My son got me good yesterday

He's nine, and we were talking about how he interacts with his younger sister. I sometimes need to correct some of his behavior, but I'm not too worried about it, "because your heart is in the right place"

Son: "yes, on the left side of my body"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drunkeskimo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
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Why did the tote get an extended prison sentence?

For bag behavior

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunner406
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2017
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Don't let your son abolish slavery

That's Abe-normal behavior

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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my friend got caught smoking weed, this coversation ensued

Dad: so I heard he got caught for some DOOBius behavior

Me: Well let's just it was a chronic mistake

Dad: Were his parents blunt with him?

Sadly I couldn't think of another pun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iconic444
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2014
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[help] Christmas-related pun for spreading cheer and kicking ass.

My sister is a teacher at a private high school for kids with learning and behavior difficulties. She just texted me for help with a funny slogan about spreading cheer and kicking ass.

Basically, each student "adopted" a teacher and they're going to do some sort of obstacle course. They're Santa's helpers, and have hats, shirts, and swords. She just came up with this idea at the last minute and would like help thinking of a punny tagline.

Any ideas?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allthedoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
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This studious, polite, and respectful girl walked down the catwalk...

I said that's model behavior

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2016
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Courtesy of my eye-rolling wife to tell to my kids when they grow up

Wife sent me these (she can't believe she's condoning this behavior):

What does the subatomic duck say? Quark Quark

Two photons arrive at the airport and they are asked if they have any luggage to check. "No thanks, we're traveling light"

Source

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πŸ‘€︎ u/avelertimetr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
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My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evadguitar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
🚨︎ report

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