I think it was Scampoo.
A premeditated murder
Now there's a tiring job.
They say it's gone anti-viral.
I have to say, I had grave reservations when I left.
We call him "Ad Hawk"
Santa doesn’t come on Halloween, Nor’easter.
Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."
Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"
He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.
Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,
"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.
He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.
..............…
I was confused.
................
He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".
Yeah... Nice one dad........
My fiancee and I were eating dinner at IHOP and she made a comment about getting full.
I told her there was no need to stuff herself just because she is pregnant.
She said, No. I think I can finish my plate and I'll be fine."
I responded with, "Sweetheart, I don't recommend eating plates they aren't good for the baby."
Her eyes rolled so hard I thought for sure they'd fall out. Needless to say I can't wait to be a father.
Tonight at dinner, she looked at our 13 year old and said "We should make buns for Thanksgiving"
He paused for just a second, then responded "So, that would be mother-son bunding time?"
She sighed.
He went on a 'rhoid rage.
I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.
... The queen ant had had the ants organized into battalions specialized to collect specific items. So the sugar ants were to collect sugar, jaggery ants jaggery, cereal ants cereals, and so on. However, all were given a strict instruction - nobody was to take even a single pea from humans in any case. Why? The queen didn't want a peas-ant revolution happening.
http://imgur.com/7biExap
Boss (to colleague on the phone) -"Make sure you check all the trees"
Me - "Make sure he checks the fours as well"
I feel ready
"I just want to go out with a smokin' hot body."
Good one, dad.
If I am ever in a sinking ship, I think I will be prepared.
Because I have a list.
Because in this case hindsight is actually 2020
Pract-ice
I need a cute love pun about whiskey and another one about asteroids...can anyone help out plz??
He got caught picking his nose!
So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!
SUPPLIES!
They planet (plan it)
Dad : let's order some food.
Do you think it's stumped?
What a load of crap!
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
I was ready and wading!
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
Readily A(p)parent
Edit: for clarity.
"...put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end!"
He yells "UNO!"
The crowd falls silent in anticipation.
"DOS!"
Everyone's eyes are wide, laser focused on the preformer.
Then, the magician vanishes... without a tres.
...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.
Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.
Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.
The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.
The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.
"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.
It's the Wurst Käse scenario.
He asked what was wrong and they told him that his wife had died and that they were preparing to bury her.
The man replied: "that's grave news!"
I have to say it really shucks.
Me: “Boys, do you want Gouda cheese on your burgers?”
Husband: “Hurry up and answer your mom. Do you want Gouda cheese or bad cheese on your burger?”
I guess that's hindsight in 2020
Because very rarely is a medium well done.
He slid the loaf into the oven to bake. He told his son, “This bread is for a very special occasion, so I’m going to make a back-up.” He then plopped an extra loaf’s worth of dough onto the table, sliced it into two equal pieces, and immediately put them away. The boy asked, “Dad, why’d you do that?” The baker smiled and told his son, “It’s better to halve it and not knead it.”
I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."
Jake says, “No, just a regular suit.”
"Sense us."
It’s just a curd to me.
