A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Why is โ€œbeefstewโ€ an unsafe password to use?

Because itโ€™s not Stroganoff.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/peytonmi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sisrael81
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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There's a term for people like Trump

Evidently not two though

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Meemsouprice
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Did you know the film โ€œSpeedโ€ had no director?

If it had direction, it would be called โ€œVelocityโ€.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Divine_ICBM
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Dude 1: โ€œHey bro?โ€ Dude 2: โ€œYeah bro?โ€ Dude 1: โ€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?โ€

Dude 2: โ€œBrochureโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/reditrewrite
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gambitK9
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hobo4lifee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by Renรฉ Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bearfeedmitch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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If thereโ€™s a line of gay people, itโ€™s not a straight line...

Itโ€™s an LGBT Queue

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Evanthekid16
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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A man went to the doctorโ€™s and told him, โ€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.โ€

He said, โ€œWow, thatโ€™s the worst case of parking sonโ€™s disease Iโ€™ve ever seen.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cyclopropagative
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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How does Jesus make his Coffee?

Hebrews it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 586
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/icemage27
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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What do snowmen call their offspring?

Chill-dren

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/90eight
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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After a heated argument, my kid shouted โ€œJim Morrison was overratedโ€

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/catmom81519
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didnโ€™t planet.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 574
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

Atleast that's what she said in her diary.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/__teju
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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My grandma is 80% Irish.

People call her Iris.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 374
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying โ€œOoh, I love how smooth it isโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FlintTheDad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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What is the angriest nut?

Pissed-aschios.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 148
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Heywood_Jablwme
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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British people be like I'm bri ish

It's because they drank the t

๐Ÿ‘︎ 156
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sss69sss
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I donโ€™t understand how she can feel that way.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 136
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rafwaf123
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...

Bartender says, โ€œThat will be $20.20.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Parkwad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...

Just in case there's a salad dressing

๐Ÿ‘︎ 209
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/laserspewpew_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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I was told that my dad was pronounced dead

I canโ€™t believe Iโ€™ve been saying it wrong my whole life

๐Ÿ‘︎ 197
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AlabamaMayan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?

There were repercussions.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 189
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GrayingMantis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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What did the lesbian pirate say during sex?

Scissor me timbers!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 100
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/huntingclue47
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say โ€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

โ€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MuskIsAlien
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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What do you call paper you canโ€™t trust?

A sketch pad

๐Ÿ‘︎ 127
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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I considered converting my wardrobe to house my board game collection, but was worried about losing clothing space.

It was trivial per suit.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PythagorasJones
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Got a girl at a party...

Her: Yeah, I've actually been dancing since I was two years old!

Me: Wow, thats so impressive. You must be so tired by now!

Groans were had by both parties

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/n1njast1ck
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 01 2015
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President John Tyler may have been the father of the Dad Joke

Some Background Info

On March 4, 1841, William Henry Harrison became the 9th President of the United States, with John Tyler as his VP. Exactly one month later, Harrison died, leaving Tyler as the 10th President of the United States. Tyler was elected as a Whig, but chose many Democrats to work in his administration, and often made decisions in the Democratic favor. This made the Whig party angry, and while the Democrats liked some of his actions, they didn't love him. At the end of his presidency, the Whigs were not going to support reelection efforts, and the democrats just liked other people more. This earned him the nickname, "The President Without A Party."

The Dad Joke

At the very end of his presidency, Mrs. First Lady wanted to have celebration. She invited lots of people over, and they all had a good time on Tyler's lawn. Tyler stood on his balcony, looking over all the people have a joyous time when he announced, "Never again can anybody say that I was a president without a party!" and giggled his way into retirement.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 973
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cat_attack_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2016
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