Did you hear about the guy that got pecked to death by a chicken?

It was a murder most fowl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukurslf
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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How can you tell if you are a hen-pecked husband?

I don’t know let me ask my wife.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisCGCToo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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This rooster was chasing a hen, clearly meaning business. But as it passed the kitchen grandma was throwing out some breadcrumbs and so it suddenly lost interest and started pecking away.

Upon which grandpa said, "Son, pray for me, that I never get that hungry!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plebspec
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Why did the dad change the poopy diaper?

He was #2 in the household pecking order.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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What did the woodpecker say to the metal clock

Your timeing is In-peck-able friends laugh track

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emeraldninja_yt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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This seems appropriate for the subreddit
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brokenjuicebox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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Morning Woodpecker, Digital [OC]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CluKInCok
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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7 YO daughter got me with this one today. What animal is best at closing holes?

Seal

EDIT: Both Mum and I groaned, but I told her I was incredibly proud of her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kactusotp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2016
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just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adc2502
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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What do you call a dinosaur that goes to the gym?

Tyrannosaurus pecks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kzab81
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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My wife was picking feathers off my sweater...

and turns to me and asked, "have you been cheating on me with a bird?"

So I look at her right in the eye and said, "I swear... It was just a peck on the cheek."

She almost kicked me out of the house.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
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The most buff bird is a woodpecker.

They have huge strong pecks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onesyboy
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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Bird is being interviewed for a job

Interviewer: "we need someone who can peck as many people as possible. Do you think you would like this job" Bird: "I can do this. I like this. I like every ass-pecked"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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The birdseed was so beautiful, so majestic, so delicious, the chicken found it...

...im-peck-able.

Okay kill me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsfakenoone
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
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Dad at brownie camp

When my dad and I were dropping my sister off at brownie camp a few weeks ago, several of the adults came over to us to say hello. They introduced themselves as Snowy Owl, Tawny Owl, and Barn Owl. My dad chirps in with "So is that the pecking order then?" and elbows me in the ribs, cackling away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pepewonder
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Chickens don't have a government.

But they do have a pecking order.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichNCrispy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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The chicken refused to eat the bird seed

They found it

Im-peck-able

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
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Did you hear about all the people getting sick from kissing their pet chickens?

All it took was one peck.

My girlfriends dad everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lagwagoner
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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"Guess what?" Chicken butt.

Goats butt, chickens peck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SurrealSam
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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Just happened.

"What's green and pecks on a tree?"

...

"Woody Wood Pickle!"

::falls over laughing::

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karhall
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
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What did the bird work out at the gym?

His pecks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WackyAstronaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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