My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, “I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
My wife asked if our kids were spoiled.
I said, “No, I think most kids smell that way.”
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
You do know that modern appliances are really spying on us, and sending back data on our habits. In fact..
Vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.
Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 star
Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
The strangest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
The Chef at our local Italian Restaurant has died...
He pasta away
We cannoli do so much to help
His legacy will become a pizza history
Here today, gone tomato
Sending olive our prayers to the family
His wife, cheese still not over it
No more penne tration for her
I've suspected my Wife of adding extra soil to our garden, so I confronted her about it, but she just shrugged it off..
In college, my roommates and I were so broke that we couldn’t pay our electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
Our doorbell rang and my son called to me, "Dad, there's a salesman here with a mustache!" I yelled back...
"Tell him I've already got one!"
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer!"
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I’m putting our vacuum cleaner up for sale
It’s just collecting dust.
Coffee has a rough time in our house.
It gets mugged every single morning.
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.
"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.
"Yeah? What?" She responded.
"Was that you?" I called back.
After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"
I could not stop laughing.
Our trash man tried to make a Dad joke this morning.
But it was a load of rubbish.
With Lil Nas X's Satan Shoes, the devil can finally steal our soles.
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
Our family's legacy
When my great granddad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my granddad, who then gave it to my dad, and one day, it will be mine.
It's our family hair loom. :D
Our Chinese food came without any cookies…
At dinner time, talking about our days, I said work was busy because we're short staffed, and my 11yo boy says.....
My son Luke loves it that we named all our kids after Star Wars characters...
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
Lightning struck our house last night.
The final question in our pub quiz last night was ‘name the indigenous people who are often referred to as Eskimo’. I’m so disappointed I got it wrong especially as....
My brother sees me near our tent, putting his E-reader on a pile of sticks.
He yells: "What the hell are you doing, Some_Dumb_Dude?!"
I say: "What's with the tone? You have to use Kindle to make a fire, Right?
'Ba dum tss'
He just sighs. "I hate you."
Our local fire station burnt down today.
Apparently, somebody left the irony on.
I told my wife I'm leaving her while she was giving birth to our child. She asked if I was kidding
Our cemetery is really getting crowded.
Seems people are just dyin to get into it.
Our son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
So I was at Chili’s the other day and when a waiter came to take our order, I asked him to turn the heat up and when he asked why
I replied it seems a bit chilly in here. I’m now banned at all Chili’s restaurants in the USA
I replaced our bed with a king-sized trampoline.
When she finds out, my wife is going to hit the roof.
My buddy and I used to be Marijuana dealers and we always split our profits evenly between us.
The guys fixing the potholes on our road have completely disappeared.
I have no idea when they’re going to resurface.
"Son, do you think we should find an expert to guide us in our trek up Mt. Everest?"
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
Our Chinese baker is morbidly obese.
He specializes in four chin cookies.
My wife asked if our kids were spoiled.
I said, “I think most kids smell that way!”
My wife beamed at me with pride and said "Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!"
I said, "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter."
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews, but we only had one star
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