One way to cast a stone
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︎ Jun 29 2020
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
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︎ Jul 14 2020
4 people on a raft each have a cigarette but no way to light them. One of them throws their cigarette over board..
And the raft becomes a cigarette lighter
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︎ Mar 20 2020
I guess spring is one the way... birds singing, animals emerging from winter dens, trees budding with potential...
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︎ Apr 12 2020
A policeman stopped me in my car and said βExcuse me sir. Do you know this is a one way street?β
βYes officer, Iβm only going one wayβ. I replied.
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︎ Apr 02 2020
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
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︎ Oct 23 2019
After browsing recipes on Reddit, I come away believing thereβs only one way to prepare my chicken.
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︎ Jan 04 2020
There was a group of ants that always went on sorties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
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︎ Nov 03 2019
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
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︎ Oct 08 2019
One way to skin it...
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︎ May 21 2019
That's one way to do it.
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︎ Apr 24 2019
That's actually one way to weed out Candidates.
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︎ May 10 2019
I read on jets because it's one of the quickest ways to learn.
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︎ Jul 24 2019
My wife groaned at this one (Not in the sexy way either...)
One of my wife's bosses is from China with the family name Wong.
Wife was telling me that said boss just had a baby a few months ago.
(At this moment, my dad powers started kicking in...)
Me: "Huh, that's cool. When her husband visits the office next time, you should ask them if the baby's Caucasian."
Wife: "What?! Why?"
Me: Cause I wanna know if two 'Wongs' make a 'White'..."
Her eyes rolled so hard they detached.
Edit: Thanks for front page folks! Glad I could make you laugh (or groan...)
Edit 2: Thank you for the gold!
Edit 3: WIFE'S IN THE THREAD!! Abort! Abort! Wee woo wee woo wee woo
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︎ Nov 21 2015
One day my daughter and I were on a walk together and were surprised to see a shelled reptile a little ways down the road. Guess which direction it was heading?
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︎ May 02 2019
There were a couple of miners make their way to SF. They set up camp for the night underneath a giant half dome. One of the miners was going to make coffee. He ask if anyone else wanted something to drink
Someone yelled back from the other side of camp. βYO SEND ME TEA.!β
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︎ Mar 21 2019
On my way in to the supermarket, a gentleman peddling coffins asked if I was interested in purchasing one. βA coffin?β I said.
βThatβs the last thing I need!β
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︎ Jan 11 2019
Chinese Restaurant owner is correct in more than one way. [X-POST]
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︎ May 15 2018
One of the best ways to be taken seriously...
is to be related to Liam Neeson.
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︎ Nov 30 2018
Ill find you one way or another dad.
Very modest of you, glad youβre not lion.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Drugs/comments/abmnbt/short_story/ed24i0m?utm_source=reddit-android
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︎ Jan 02 2019
"The way Hulu works, only one person can watch at one time." - me
My dad responds with "So if there are two of us in the same room, Hulu will not work."
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︎ Jul 12 2018
Whatβs one of the quickest ways to make it to a bodybuilding competition?
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︎ Sep 14 2018
I bought a very high quality one-way elevator.
It has never let me down.
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︎ Jul 28 2017
One fish says to another fish, "Hey Fred, what's the quickest way to Johnny's?"
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︎ Apr 17 2018
If someone could tell me just one way to make my cheese into little bits...
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︎ May 26 2018
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︎ May 13 2017
One way to solve the current water shortage is to integrate all Amazon Prime accounts.
According to Calculus, we will get an Amazon, plus a sea.
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︎ Jan 17 2018
Caught my wife and daughter off guard with this one! On the way to drop our daughter off at school, there had unfortunately been a possum that had just been hit in. Every passerby ran to check on it. I casually said βThose people better watch out, this road is obviously impossumble to crossβ
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︎ Apr 06 2018
My dad was way too proud of this one
So my dad and I went to a baseball game and during the game he turns and asks, "Son, how many people do you think can fit in this stadium?" When I began to think about it, he gave me this look and then cheekily says, "I just want a ballpark estimate".
He thinks this is his magnum opus dad joke.
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︎ May 16 2016
This one is way under appreciated
appreciated
...
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...
...
...
1
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︎ Jul 20 2017
My Dad went out of the way for this one
One of my favorite activities is hiking, and my Dad absolutely detests hiking, so I thought it was a little odd when he asked me if I wanted to go hiking. I said yes, and we did. Then a few days later he asked me to go hiking again. It took about six trips in total for me to answer with "Count me in!" Then, with the biggest smirk in the world plastered on his face he proudly said "One."
He went hiking with my six times in the hopes that eventually I would say count me in, and he could use that joke. Bravo, Dad. Bravo.
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︎ Nov 10 2013
All the even streets in my town are one way
But the odd ones are just strange.
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︎ Jun 14 2016
My 5 year old daughter got me with this one today on the way to her first day of school.
"What cats like to play on a computer?"
"Cats that want the mouse?"
"Nope"
"Okay, what cats like to play on a computer?"
"Tabby cats!"
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︎ May 01 2016
Gave my dad a dad joke he may throw back my way again one day.
Last time I went home, dad had a friend over who shared with us the struggles he now encountered with providing daily basic care for his own aging, terminally-ill father.
"You just can't imagine right now," he assured me, "what it's like to wipe your own father's ass after helping him off the toilet."
"Yeah, well I'm sure you're right," I responded, "but I certainly can imagine it's pretty awkward. He's all bent over. You're back there trying to clean him up and pretend everything's normal, of course he's gonna be fine, when suddenly your eyes meet. With his voice filled with pride, he says, "that's a real good wipe, son."
My dad and his friend laughed their asses off.
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︎ Oct 18 2013
My brother is well on his way, just dropped this one on me.
As we're watching the warm ups to the world cup he turns and says, "what's the most abundant kind of potato?".
"The commentator!"
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︎ Jul 09 2014
Dad got us with this one on the way to dinner
My mom and I are making plans to see Zootipia and my mom tells my dad he might like it since it's animated. I tell him it's about a rabbit and a Fox detectives, but I can't remember what crime their solving. So my dad says "well, it must be something hare-y!" Cue eye roll and groan.
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︎ Apr 02 2016
Dad pulled this one on me on the way to the store yesterday
Dad:"Hey, do you want me to get anything from the store?"
Me:"Sure can you get me some bread please?"
Him:"Give me some dough, and I'll get you some bread!
Proceeded by sarcastic groan/laughs.
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︎ Apr 03 2014
My dad tried to get me with this one way too many times
My dad "does your face hurt?"
Me "what? Why?"
Dad "cause' its killin' me"
eye rolls all around
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︎ May 20 2015
Came up with this one while watching The X Files: how did the tiger make it all the way across town without being spotted?
It was easy because tigers are striped. I'm so sorry...
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︎ Dec 29 2014
Saw this one on the way to work this morning
"What happens when the fog lifts in Los Angeles?"
"U.C.L.A"
Needless to say, it made my morning commute.
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︎ Jan 30 2015
My dad pulled this one out on the way to work.
I just started a job this week and I have been getting my access set up through IT.
Stepmom: So FerretAres, was the IT person a man or a woman.
Me: I don't know it was an e-mail.
Dad: Well then it must have been a guy, otherwise it would have been an e-female.
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︎ Dec 06 2013
There's more than one way to skin a dad joke.
Q:What did the smaller computer say to the larger computer?
A: Data
see it's both a dad joke and a DAD joke...
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︎ Sep 18 2014
This one was way too cheesy!
Me: I can't stand baby bell cheese!
Dad: Well, can you sit it?
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︎ Oct 24 2014
Not a dad, but I think I'm on my way to being a good one.
From a convo between me and my gf on Gchat:
Me: did you bring a lunch with you?
gf: I brought a secret lunch. Today it is crackers and a clementine
Me: spy apples?
gf: HA. I take off the wrappers and peel at home and snack stealthily.
Me: so you have a sneack?
gf: precisely
Me: or a clandestintine?
gf: WOW
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︎ Nov 21 2013
SO used this one on our way to dinner last night.
We were going to a sushi restaurant named Naan (pronounced "non"). He asked me to see if there were any Groupons for it. I checked, but there weren't any. He proceeds to say, "Would you say...there are naan?"
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︎ Jan 11 2014
Landlord hit me with this one today on his way out the door.
Me: Ugh, I'm bored.
Landlord: Nice to meet you bored, I'm Landlord.
Me: groan
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︎ Sep 11 2014
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
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︎ Mar 18 2019
My daughter screeched, βdad, you havenβt listed to one word Iβve said, have you!?β What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
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︎ Jun 02 2019
I got pulled over by a cop for going down the wrong way down a one way street...
He said "sir,do you realise this is a one way street?"
I said "but officer, I was only going one way."
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︎ Nov 30 2017
This is a family favorite. My grandpa got pulled over going the wrong way down a one way street.
The cop goes, "This is a one way street!"
My grandpa replies, "How many ways was I going?"
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︎ Jul 15 2014
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