You don't know what you're missing!
π︎ 1k
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︎ Sep 30 2020
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
π︎ 15k
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︎ Aug 27 2020
What do you call a bear that's missing its ear?
π︎ 43
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︎ Oct 15 2020
I googled "missing medieval servant"...
And it came back: "page not found"
π︎ 263
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︎ Sep 25 2020
My brother who works in a tannery has gone missing. We haven't seen hair nor hide of him.
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 26 2020
Took an airline company to court today after my luggage went missing
π︎ 1k
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︎ Aug 29 2020
What do you call a fish thatβs missing itβs iβs?
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 14 2020
my wife & i have been missing our dog
our dog recently passed & my wife has been crying alot, i tried to cheer her up by finding ourselves an identical dog. she screamed at me, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 2 DEAD DOGS?"
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︎ Oct 27 2020
I've got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage. He's missing an eye.
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 15 2020
I had a girlfriend in high school that I dumped when I found out she was missing a toe on her left foot...
I guess that makes me lack-toes intolerant.
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︎ Oct 11 2020
Why did the machine gunner keep missing his targets?
He suffered from turret syndrome.
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︎ Oct 22 2020
As a globe restorer, I never turn down projects where I have to fill in missing countries or islands. But missing equators?
Thatβs when I draw the line.
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︎ Oct 08 2020
Did you hear about the baby coal that went missing?
They sent out an ember alert
π︎ 10
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︎ Oct 09 2020
Did you hear about the duckling that went missing?
It was abduckted.
Hope this quacked you up.
π︎ 100
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︎ Aug 13 2020
How did the farmer find his missing wife?
π︎ 38
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︎ Sep 20 2020
Did you hear the story of the missing thong underwear?
Itβs a whale of a tale.
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 06 2020
My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...
"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 01 2020
Why aren't jazz musicians missing their girlfriends during quarantine?
They're already used to the sex on phone
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 21 2020
Starbucks is missing out on a huge business opportunity by NOT selling masks that you can drink through.
They could call them coughy filters.
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︎ Aug 21 2020
I can't stand people who are missing toes.
I'm lack toes intolerant.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 22 2020
I fell asleep in the cab and later I woke up with my liver missing
I'm starting to think that the driver who said he'll "deliver me" was a bit shady.
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 20 2020
My neighbor ran over from his farm and was sobbing. βMy sheep are missing!β He cried. βMy sheep are missing! Please help me!β
I said βthat sounds like a ewe problem.β
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︎ Jul 12 2020
What do you call an apple that's missing someone ?
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I was in a punk band in the '80s called 'Missing Cat'
You might remember our flyers
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︎ Jun 22 2020
Have you heard the news about the Art club going missing.
They disappeared without a trace.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 27 2020
I used to be in a band called missing cat
You probably saw our posters
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︎ May 31 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 10k
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︎ Oct 15 2019
I reported my root garden missing to the police.
They told me theyβd see what would turnip. Then they told me it wasnβt their beet. I donβt think they carrot all!
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︎ Jul 07 2020
My calculator is missing the minus button....
But on the plus side it still works.
π︎ 229
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︎ Jan 26 2020
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:
"No it's not, it's MUNday!"
The apprentice has now become the master.
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︎ Jun 28 2020
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
π︎ 8
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︎ May 03 2020
Pet rabbit missing. Last seen carried away by owl
π︎ 9
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︎ May 09 2020
β¬pe missing England
π︎ 57
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︎ Feb 04 2020
Construction Dadjoke: Our Sewage Treatment Plant supplier is missing
In his last email he said "I remain at your disposal for any concerns".
Couldn't find him there this morning. I hope he's ok.
π︎ 4
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︎ May 07 2020
What is the term for when a farmer's cow goes missing?
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 03 2020
If Apple made a car what would be missing? Windows
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 23 2020
What do you call an octopus that's missing one tentacle?
π︎ 86
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︎ Nov 30 2019
My paper towels went missing
So I had to hire a Bounty hunter.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 17 2020
What do you call a square missing a side
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 22 2020
I woke up in the middle of the night and discovered all my blankets were missing.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jan 18 2020
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 24 2020
Why did the knight send his cavalry of 44 to look for their missing sentry?
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 23 2020
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
π︎ 46
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︎ Dec 02 2019
What do you call it when your parrot ends up missing?
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 12 2020
When Joyce Byers' son went missing she lost her Will to live
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 02 2019
Http is missing the s for secure.
π︎ 20
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︎ Sep 11 2019
I sell appliances - one day the grates for one of our cooktops went missing...
A couple months later I found them hidden somewhere, most likely by some hooligans who had nothing better to do.
Anyways, after I found them I walked up to all my coworkers holding up the grates and said:
"Guys! I have grate news!"
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 24 2019
A woman was missing her her dead husband, so she went to see a medium.
The Medium started a seance and said, in a sing-song voice, "John, if you are with us, please say something".
The Ouija board immediately started spelling out: S-O-M-E-T-H-...
Wife: THAT'S HIM!!!
π︎ 10
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︎ Oct 15 2019
seen a stop sign that was missing one of its screws and just hanging there upside down today..
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︎ Jan 03 2020
People who think semi-colons & commas are the same, are missing the point.
π︎ 107
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︎ Jun 28 2019
What kind of shape is like a missing bird?
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 06 2019
Recently a lot of things around my house have gone missing, I think the birds are taking them
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 17 2019
A Nine year old girl has gone missing after using moisturiser that makes you look 10 years younger
π︎ 64
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︎ May 03 2019
I went to the zoo but they were missing my favorite animal...
The look on my face was otter disappointment
π︎ 14
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︎ Oct 15 2019
British police confirm that an entire northern town has gone missing
unfortunately, they have no Leeds
π︎ 5k
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︎ May 17 2017
My pillow went missing...
I won't rest until I find it.
π︎ 14
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︎ Sep 25 2019
How do you replace a missing button on a dress shirt?
Lay out the shirt on a table, thread a needle, put a spare button in the place where the old one was, and so on...
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 21 2019
Went into a Salvation Army store and saw a radio. It was turned up full blast but the volume knob was missing. It only cost 1 dollar.
I said boy I canβt turn this down.
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︎ Aug 03 2019
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked βwhere are the mushrooms?β ... without missing a beat, I said
βI couldnβt get them, there wasnβt βmush roomβ in the trolley. β
She threw things at me
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︎ May 05 2019
All the comic books I bought from the store seem to be missing the last page.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
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︎ May 24 2019
I ordered a chicken online, when it came it was missing two organs.
I guess it was delivered.
π︎ 45
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︎ Dec 27 2018
What did a famous painter said when his van went missing?
π︎ 14
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︎ Aug 02 2019
What do you call a turtle missing one leg?
π︎ 620
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︎ Jul 16 2017
If you do a Google search for "missing mideivel servant boy"
It will tell you "this Page cannot be found."
π︎ 200
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︎ Jul 07 2018
I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
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︎ Jan 25 2019
My keyboard is missing an R, and that is driving me insane!
π︎ 18
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︎ Sep 27 2018
I once knew a pair of twins that looked exactly alike, except that one of them was missing an eye.
They were dentical twins.
π︎ 176
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︎ Oct 04 2018
My mail order bride arrived today, deceased. The coroner's report noted she was missing an organ...
and the company refused to refund my purchase because it had already been de-livered.
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 15 2019
I was about to play cards after a long dayβs work, but I found the aces missing.
I just canβt deal with this any more.
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︎ Nov 12 2018
Van used to steal priceless painting is missing
Everyone wants to know just where did the van go.
π︎ 17
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︎ Jan 30 2019
I hate when people have missing toes.
You might even say I'm...lack toes intolerant.
(Is this a dad joke? The gf is pretty baby crazy lately and i dont know if im ready yet)
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︎ Jun 02 2018
Why was Tom, the cannibal tomatoβs wife missing?
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 03 2019
People say having a missing toe makes you more easily agitated with people, but honestly Iβm more chill.
Guess I Lack toes and Tolerant
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︎ Feb 24 2019
Two friends named Trouble and Shut Up went hiking. Trouble went off the path and got lost so Shut Up went to the police to report him missing......
.....when asked his name by the cop filling out the report he replied Shut Up. The frustrated cop asked repeatedly for his name and was met each time with an equally frustrated and louder reply of SHUT UP! The cop got angry and then asked....hey man, are you looking for trouble? The reply back was "Yes! That's the reason I came here....I'm looking for Trouble!!!"
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︎ Oct 29 2018
Just received Twin Peaks and the "missing pieces"
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 05 2018
The kids want to play Operation but I can't bring myself to tell them that the game is missing a piece
I just don't have the heart
π︎ 11
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︎ Apr 07 2019
My friend says he can't stand people with missing toes.
He's lack-toes intolerant
π︎ 85
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︎ Jul 29 2016
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
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︎ Nov 11 2019
I googled the phrase "missing medieval servant".
It came back with "page not found".
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︎ Apr 10 2019
I googled the phrase βmissing medieval servantβ.
It came back with βpage not foundβ.
π︎ 316
π
︎ Jun 17 2019
I can't stand people who are missing toes.
You could say I'm lack toes intolerant.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 06 2020
I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out when I noticed all the blankets on my bed were missing.
π︎ 45
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︎ Oct 16 2019
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 308
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︎ Apr 11 2019
Did you hear about the traveler who sued the airline over his missing luggage?
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 25 2019
I have an old calculator thatβs missing the minus button.
But on the plus side, it still works.
π︎ 51
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︎ Jun 18 2019
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side, ...it still works.
π︎ 375
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︎ Aug 05 2018
My husband tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and asked, "How do one armed Dads do it?". And without missing a beat I replied, "Single handadly".
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 15 2019
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,...it still works.
π︎ 132
π
︎ Oct 18 2018
I hate people with missing toes
Because I'm lack toes intolerant
π︎ 22
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︎ Apr 07 2019
I used to be in a band called missing cat
You probably saw our posters
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jan 27 2019
What do you call a bear missing an ear?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 08 2019
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