So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
Attire.
....
It was a shitzu.
EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)
He orders everyone a round.
1 .
2 .
The son asks.....
"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline...
Bartender says, “That will be $20.20.”
'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.
Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.
Neil before me.
He didn’t knead the dough
Family and friends are stunned...
"Did you know I was named after George Washington?"
Son: "but Dad... Your name is Brian?"
Dad: "I know, but I was named after George Washington."
It wooden start.
I’m expecting a long sentence
They would both be alloys.
The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.
“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”
The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”
then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
Man : *immediately starts marching around the room and says "so can you tell me now?"
Afterwards, he said, “Mmm, this copypasta tastes good!”
He took a break, he couldn't bear it.. he was cranky, tired and exhausted.
We will update you as the situation unfolds.
But then I was born.
But then he hesitated
Caerphilly
I was circumcised just after I was born, and I couldn’t walk for about a year.
Their kids aren’t anything to look at.
Wong Wei.
He was quite irrigated about it.
They knew he’d give a French toast, and they said it wasn’t worth the pain.
It was a knick-knack paddy whack
They told him that he was missing attire
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him.
He shouted into the room, "Everywhere I go, there's a black bird that sticks to me. He sticks to my fleece jacket, my wool hat, even my velvet gloves!"
The concierge shakes his head and says, "Oh, that's just the Vale crow."
“Yes” “Oui” “Sí” “Ja”
.. Checking his balance.
A centaur for disease control
He said his name was dave but to call him dick. I said " how do you get dick from dave? He said "ask nicely"
"How much does it cost to get a church-singing group?" the man asks.
The priest replies, "you mean, a choir?"
"Uh, okay, I didn't think that mattered. How much does it cost to acquire a church-singing group?"
He was charged with assault without battery.
Cause he couldn’t see that well
The doctor replied, “I know. I amputated your arms!”
Well, well, well.
So I gave him a coconut.
His carelessness cost him a fortune.
Hans-anitizer
I just don’t see it.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
I thought it was a safe bet.
Stuck.
How dairy
That made him the centaur for disease control
“How do you breathe through something so small?”
He only had his shelf to blame
The psychiatrist looked up and said, "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."
And a table...and a wall.
Me and my recliner go way back
I think I got mugged
But push him out of the airplane, and he will fly for the rest of his life.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”
The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
He sits in his own pew.
But that’s just projected figures.
A weeb wacker
What, the actual Fuck.
His friend says "you make a fine point."
..all i could do was shake my head and mumble... "Unpresidented"
MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
I know he means well.
Then I started listening to full albums, and hardly ever left my room.
2B or not 2B? That is the question.
Stop me if you've herd it before.
He’s all right now
I guess you could say that didn't workout.
She didn’t mean crack or meth, Karen.
Bartenders says, “That’ll be $20.20”
He orders everyone a round.
The authorities are working tirelessly to catch him!
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
Bartender says, “That’ll be $20.20.”
Man: Can I have a corona and two hurricanes please
Bartender: That'll be $20.20.
A tyre.
But then he hesitated.
The son asks...... "Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?"
He only has his shelf to blame.
The tree says to the man, “Wait, I’m a talking tree.”
The man continues to chop and replies, “And you well dialogue.”
