It's Your Fault Puns

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

"What is it?" she asked.

"It's our son," I replied. "He vomited all over the seats of your new car."

She shouted, "Well, why the hell did he do that? It's your fault!"

"It's your fault," I insisted. "You said I should take him out for a spin in it."

Dad: "You'll never believe what happened to me today driving home!"

Me: "What?"

Dad: "Well, I was driving down a back road home from work. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was still shining, a slight breeze was rustling the trees, and all the leaves had changed colors. Yellow, orange, red... just a gorgeous view. I was doing about 55, not a car in sight, when I come around a bend and see a cop car parked on the side of the road. I slowed down, but tried not to slow down so quickly that it would be obvious. I carefully drove up past the cop, being extra careful to stay centered within the lines and maintaining my lower speed. It looked like I was all clear, but then from out of nowhere a turkey jumped out in front of my car! I didn't even have a chance to brake!"

Me: "Jeez that's crazy!"

Dad: "I know! It hit the front of my car, rolled up over the windshield and did a somersault before landing directly onto the hood of the officer's car. He immediately turned on his lights and pulled me over and gave me a ticket."

Me: "What?? But that's not your fault! It was the turkey! What did he even give you a ticket for?"

Dad: "He gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird. Hahahaha!"

Me: -___-

Traveling on the freeway when we hit some bumps in the road

Mom: Oh sorry about the bumps

Grandma: oh it's not your fault, it's asphalt

My family and I were driving to the mountains when my dad says "It's not my fault! Is it your fault? Who's fault was it?" The rest of us look at each other very confused. Then he says, "It's San Andreas Fault" right as we drive by it.

Her: So, it's totally your dad's fault that you're boys
Son: Why?
Her: Exactly

After a short pause, giggling ensued. Son is 12.

Edit: Spleling

She's rather short and couldn't quite tuck the covers in on the far side of the bed. I made a comment about her height and she responds with:

"It's not my fault. It's out of my control."

"I understand, it's a problem that is out of your reach."

My wife's going out of town, and I mentioned that we should make a run to the grocery store before she leaves. In case either of us get stranded because of snow.

"I just want to make sure it snow problem."

groan

"Hey, you married me, and that snowbody's fault but yours.

Frantically grabs her overear headphones and puts them on. She hasn't yet plugged them in.

"Snow way you can't hear me!" I shout.

She scrambles for the cord plugging it in. A few minutes later she looks up.

"This is how I know you'll make a great dad."

This happened earlier today. The class was on the topic of crash costs and financial responsibilities.

Teacher: If a crash is determined to be your fault, then you are responsible for paying for injuries sustained by others, and damage to property. But there are some places that have an exception, like in the state of Florida, it's considered a "no fault state".

Me: Couldn't you consider California a pretty faulty state?

Whole classroom: -laudable groans-

Talking to a friend about possibly moving to California and earthquakes became a topic of conversation.

Her: Watch out for earthquakes though. No pressure.

Her: Sorry, I just get a little shaken up thinking about it.

Me: Don’t worry it’s not your fault

Then she didn't reply for a while.

Me: Did I crack you up? Are these puns resonating with you? Or are they just causing a rift in our friendship?

Heard someone yell out at someone (jokingly) " It's all your fault." I walk up nonchalantly and seriously state. " You know who I usually find the biggest fault with?" Pause for looks of attention. "San Andreas." Turn around and walk away.