*airplane noises intensify*

β€œWhat do we want?”

β€œAIRPLANE NOISES!”

β€œAnd when do we want them?”

β€œNYEOOW!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Alabama Intensifies
πŸ‘︎ 884
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AgentAqua7897
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What is The metric system’s favorite bug?

A centipede. I’m a dad, can confirm

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fifthpick2004
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Me: I am terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: [Screams in horror]

Therapist: Oh, I see

Me: [Screams intensify]

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sync_shark
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
World war intensifies
πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_am_I_am_me_2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
(Rimshot intensifies)
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kzgamer3133
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..

They lied, everyone else had their clothes on

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Reg182
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
*Meglovania intensifies
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StealthViper518
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Internal cringe intensifies
πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/signawhir
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
*gym flashback intensifies*
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Numbness intensifies
πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RudzBotha
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
*Darth Vader intensifies*
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenyOneOOne
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
*Wii Theme Intensifies*
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PH4nTo8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
CSI intensifies
πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lucca_dare
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
pirates of the caribbean theme intensifies
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kristianost
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
🚨︎ report
*America Intensifies*
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChessGreatest
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Oh my
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWolfRevenge
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
🚨︎ report
KNOCK KNOCK

Who's There?

KNOCK KNOCK

Who's There? Who's Knocking?

KNOCK KNOCK intensifies....

Why can't I see you? Where are you hiding?

"Dies in an Earthquake"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymous_DrDrunk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Incest=Wincest right?
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eyeyamstewpig
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Recently broke my thumb, I asked the nurse if I’d be able to play the piano?

She said I would

I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.

πŸ‘︎ 193
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiddlyDoddo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I begin to read a horror novel in braile

Something bad is about to happen I can feel it

πŸ‘︎ 698
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IJustWantMemes789
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad tried to be funny at a restaurant.

So my family and I were at a restaurant and my mom wanted a photo of us. She asked a waiter if we could take a picture, and after the waiter said yes, my dad said "we'll take this one" and pointed at a photo on the wall...

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSmileyProject
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2016
🚨︎ report
The opposite of Amen is...

Bwomen

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dufffer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you handle a redhead's temper?

Gingerly.

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cross_beaux
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I showed my Dad /r/dadjokes and he said, "I don't get it. These are just normal jokes."
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PFive
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Asked my boss how her morning was going.

Me: Hey boss how's the morning going?

Boss: Good except I just dropped coffee all over the floor.

Me: You know, that's not why they're called coffee grounds.

Boss: Glaring Intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paisano66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Wife and I are driving to breakfast

Me: "So, do you want to go to Blackbear, or the truck stop diner?"

Wife: "Blackbear"

M: "Okay, and afterwards, I want to stop by the Arco (gas station) and use the vacuum to clean the inside of the car"

W:"No, I hate going to that Arco, the vacuum there sucks"

M: "Isn't that what they're supposed to do?"

W: Rage intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Senor_Andy_Panda
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2017
🚨︎ report
One of my dad's favorite jokes when I was younger...

Dad: You know which city always shocks me?

Me: I don't know, which?

Dad: ELECTRI-city!

Commence groaning

Dad: Hey, do you know which city is always moving?

Me: Which one?

Dad: VELO-city!

Groaning intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oniondasher
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
🚨︎ report
Entertained a long elevator ride today...

Why is corn the best audience?

They are all ears.

*elevator music intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my wife with wine pun

I was drinking wine with my wife, and she asked me if it was good, to which I responded:

"It's grape!" groans "Why are you wine-ing ?" groans intensify "Want me to put a cork in it?" facepalm desk "Vine, I'll stop."

She then pun-ished me with no more wine.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zxithedead
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Training the little one well!

Wife: "Did you see your brother out on the soccer field?!"

Kiddo: "Yeah!"

Wife: "Who was he out there with?"

<giggling intensifies>

Kiddo: "HUMANS!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stalled_earth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked by mother in law

Driving down the street, see sign that says "Yukon Rd closed, take detour." Mother in law in backseat says "aahh, Yukon't drive there."

Groaning intensifies....

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boj3143
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
🚨︎ report
I can't find any evidence of this pun after some searches...(OC?)

Me- I meet an interesting person the other day

Her- Oh, ok?

Me- Turns out he runs a school

Her- Not too interesting so far...

Me- Yeah, but it's a school for protons, neutrons and electrons

Her- umm, sorry, what?

Me- Yeah, but it's the Principal of the matter, you see?

eyeroll intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/somethingwickednc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my wife in the grocery check out aisle.

When my wife and I shop, she tends to go up and down the aisles, and I'll take a few trips to get hamburger, fish, whatever. So we're checking out and she notices I grabbed a pack of sausages.

"Wow that's a lot of sausages."

"Yeah, they were on sale. Super cheap."

"Sweet!"

"...actually, they're hot."

grinning intensifies

"LAME! OH THAT WAS LAME!"

maximum grinning

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/soomuchcoffee
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Gosh Dang it Dad

Me: Dad I to buy some new boat shoes these ones look beaten up

Dad: Aboat time...Sound like they need to go to the doc

Me: Dad why do you this

Dad: What do you mean? I'm keeping it reel here. Facepalm + Groan Intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Discussing spinal disorders at breakfast...

Kid: "What's that disease called, the one that makes your spine all curved?"

Mom: "That's Scoliosis. It can also mess up your ribcage and shoulders."

Me: "The people who discovered Scoliosis actually had it themselves. It was a husband and wife team. I think their last name was Dover...

Kids: staring intensifies

Me: "... Ben Dover, and his wife Ilene Dover."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Technohazard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Got me twice in 10 seconds...

My dad keeps some hand sanitizer on-hand next to him in his car. As my dad was driving, I saw that there was a bit of hand sanitizer that had spilled onto his cup holder.

Me: Hey dad, did you spill purell?

Dad: P-U-R-E-L-L.

Me: What?

Dad: You asked me if I spelled purell, but I didn't so now I did!

Me: groans Okay Dad, did you spill purell?? [Emphasized pronunciation of word]

Dad No I didn't spill purell... because that's germ-x.

Me: groaning intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JIKAN_DESU
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
🚨︎ report
My friend's dad just pulled this one on us.

So a couple friends and I are watching a movie in one of my friend's basement (The Master of Disguise - Netflix lol). And his dad comes downstairs and in the most intimidating, serious voice says, "Nick, what do I do when you do something wrong?" The tension in the room skyrockets, and Nick says nonchalantly, "Nothing." His dad then slickly replies, "I scream... there's ice cream on the table if you want any."

Chuckling intensifies.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HITmonrocklee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to call her phone...

"PHOOOONE! COME HERE PHONE! PHOOONE!"

eye rolling intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/raging-moderate
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend got invited to TP someone's house by a friend.

Being poor, starving, university students, I said "Why would you waste perfectly good toilet paper?" to which she replies "C'mon dude, don't be a party pooper."

groaning intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JaeqPiegDeivys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
🚨︎ report
At the grocery store with my dad.

Cute young female cashier scanning our items, scans the ground beef and says "Wow, that's some nice meat you have there."

Dad: Why thank you. Biggest dumb grin on his face

Cashier: No! picks up the ground beef Your package!

Dad: Why thank you. Grin intensifies

The poor girl was so embarrassed. It was glorious.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/llamajuice
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2014
🚨︎ report
I'm terrified of random letters

me: i'm terrified of random letters

therapist: you are?

me: [screams]

therapist: oh i see

me: [screaming intensifies]

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/createsean
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: i am affraid of randomly thrown alphabets

Therapist: are you?

Me : screams

Therapist : oh i see

Me:screaming intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/achrafmoucherif
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Terrified of Random Letters

Me: I'm terrified of random letters.

Therapist: Are you?

Me: [screams]

Therapist: Oh I see.

Me: [screaming intensifies]

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Namnrocinu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't find any evidence of this pun after some searches... (OC?)

Me- I meet an interesting person the other day

Her- Oh, ok?

Me- Turns out he runs a school

Her- Not too interesting so far...

Me- But it's a school for protons, neutrons and electrons

Her- umm, sorry, what?

Me- Yeah, but it's the Principal of the matter, you see?

eyeroll intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/somethingwickednc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2015
🚨︎ report

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