My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns...
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.
Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
EDIT: Thank you so much for my first award!
What did the authorities do when Barbie's boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken.
That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter....
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."
He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"
The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."
"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".
"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
My father and I were in the car traveling to a family outing.
On the way, after passing a graveyard, my dad asked,
“Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?”
“No, why?” I responded.
“People are just dying to get in there!” he replied.
After I groaned, he continued, in all seriousness,
“But really, did you know I can’t be buried there?”
“Why not, Dad?” I asked, surprised.
“Because I’m not dead yet!”
My neighbor was repairing his car in the garage.
He had taken out both front tires. When he went inside his house I decided to steal away only one tire, because stealing both would have made me two tired.
Did you hear about the kid who lost his entire left side in a car accident?
Apparently someone in my town has been stealing the wheels off police cars
They’ve been working tirelessly to find him
The weatherman for our local TV channel broke both his arms and his legs in a car accident.
He is calling in from the hospital with his four casts.
(I seriously don't get this) A traveling salesman was driving in the country when his car broke down
He hiked several miles to a farmhouse, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight.
“Sure,” said the farmer, “my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they’re off to college, and I’m all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up.”
Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway.
The farmer called after him,“Didn’t you hear what I said? I have lots of room.”
“I heard you,” said the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”
My Second son was born in the car on the way to the hospital.
The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car...
They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly...
What car did they drive around with in the wild west?
So i was just talking to my dad and he asks me if the sunroof in my new car leaks, i told him no.
He says "thats good because then it would be a rain roof"....
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ....sound advice.
I was in the car with my grandpa Talking to him at this is how that convo went
Him: “You ought to try new things.” Me: “Illegal.” Him: “Sick bird.” Took me a long time to get.
I got a car in the shape of a bone
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Why did the man drive his car in the ocean?
He wanted to get some extra bass in the speakers
What's the best vegetable to have in your car if you have a flat tire?
When my British friend goes out in the wilderness, he sleeps in his car trunk...
When In The Car With Dad
*Dad putting a car in reverse*
Dad: "Ahhh, this takes me back."
Why was there a dead calf in the boot of a Germans car?
I was singing in the car, dad asked me if I could sing solo tenor.
Solo I can’t hear you, tenor 11 miles down the road.
I walked into a car showroom in Texas and asked if they had any German cars. The salesman said “Audi?” ...
I said “Hello, do you have any German cars?”
Someone crossed the street in front of a police car.
Ive just bought a wooden car. It’s got a wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. There’s just one problem...
"Hey Son, thanks for letting me borrow your car. By the way I got some water in the carburator." "Where's my car?"
My kid said "I left my backpack in the STUPID car!
I replied "don't call the car stupid! It passed it's emissions test!!!"
Did you hear about the guy who drove through the mountain with multiple people in his car?
He had carpool tunnel syndrome.
A friend of mine's car broke down in a very difficult area in the Middle East.
He's stuck between Iraq and a hard place.
The no smoking with a child in the car law is rediculous.
I mean, Look at the poor fella freezing out there.
Park rangers told us not to leave any wrappers inside the car because bears might break in...
Bears must really like Hip-Hop.
As I turned on the car and put it in reverse, I thought to myself, man....
I kept winking at the girl in the other car...
She was ignoring the signs
My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...
Because Adams make up everything!
So I was singing All Star in the car the other day, and my friend asked “How do you know all the words” so I swiftly replied:
My wife gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital
We named our child Carson
The next Disney+ project, is a Star Wars/ Back to the Future crossover. Deer Brown gets a bounty hunter to stay in the car.
That way, they'll always have the Manned Delorean available.
I was standing in the road wondering why cars get bigger the closer they get
A man lost his keys in the supermarket, so when he returned to his car, he just rubbed his ass against it
He was wearing khaki trousers
I was in the car with my 10 year old daughter and there was a sign that said road works ahead. She’s said road works ahead , that’s a relief. I’ve never been so proud to be a dad.
I was in an accident the other day, rear-ended the car in front. We both pulled over, and a dwarf got out of the other car.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
Apparently I snore so loudly that I scare every one in the car I’m driving
When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.
It's called Parking Son's disease.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.
My wife drops me off in front of a restaurant in our Land Rover. Another patron notices the car and says, “That must have been an expensive uber.”
To which I replied: “tell me about it. I’ve been with her for 20 years.”
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
It can offer a whole lot more.
I saw a sign at a roadside stand that read, ''Lobster Tails £1.5" so I stopped the car, walked over and handed my money to the proprietor. He looked me in the eyes, took a deep breath and said...
"Once upon a time there was this
lobster..."
I drove from Spain to France. A lot of ants were in the car when we crossed the border. Are they immigr-ants?
My brother gets in car accidents all the time, but today he turned over a new Leaf
Did you hear the one about Epstein’s Prison Guard who died in a car crash?
It’s all over next weeks papers
I have a fear of driving through tunnels with multiple people in the car
Doc said it's Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
DadProTip: When you back out of a parking space, be sure to say "Thiiiis takes me back" every time your kids are in the car.
A ton of milk weighs less in the car.
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...
She was waving an illegal fire arm.
What car part is considered romantic in the French language?
Pirates Of The Car I Be In
I went to the doctors the other day. I walked in a said to the doctor "I think I'm addicted to Spanish car manufacturers!"
(True story) my sister asked my dad a question in the car...
She said "who in their right mind would name their kid Spartacus?"
My dad said "not a very bright spart"
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa; not screaming in terror like the passengers in the car he was driving.
Growing up, my brothers and I weren't allowed to sit in the front of the car
We were the back seat boys
Toyota made the oldest car in the world
True story: We we’re driving in the car today when my five year old found an umbrella and opened it...
My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasn’t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasn’t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.
The kids didn’t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so I’m pretty sure it counts.
I've been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
How do you stop a dog from barking in the back of a car?
Remember guys, the weather is hot outside so we shouldn’t be leaving our dogs in our cars
A putter and a #4 iron rob a bank, who is waiting out in the car?
If a boy is born in a car on the way to the hospital he is named Carson. According to that logic, I finally understand why my name is Woodson.
I went to a car show in a huge warehouse and everyone was just touching all the cars filling the huge room...
It was wall-to-wall car petting.
Son born in a car named Carson. The dream Dad
Things were not looking well for the elk and the bat that were in hospital after a car accident
They were hanging on to deer life
So my dad and I are in the car heading home and he goes into the left lane instead of the middle one
Me: confused that we aren't heading home Where are we going?
Dad: keeps staring straight ahead with a blank face Left....
My friend recently got t-boned in his new car after winning the lottery. I asked him if he was a glass half full or glass half empty type of guy. He responded
Medium-well.
Edit: over-medium is for eggs
So, I was very nervous because while my wife was on labor in our car, going to the hospital, we still had not decided what name to give our son. We never made it to the hospital, but the incident helped us to name our son.
I never park my car in the shade due to a little known medical condition.
What did the man say when he drove his car in reverse?
“Oh man, this takes me back”
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson
And as I put the car in reverse I said
Apparently I snore so loudly That it scares everyone in the car I'm driving
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
My wife gave birth to our son in the car.
(When driving in the car)
Me: "Where are we Dad?"
Dad: "In the car."
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
My wife gave birth to our child in the car.
My wife gave birth to a baby boy in the car on the way to the hospital.
What did batman say to robin before he got in the car?
The park ranger told us not to leave any wrappers inside the car because bears might break in.
Bears must really like Hip-Hop.
When I reach home, my youngest son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it while making car sounds. His cute antics always make me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease.
It is called Parking Son's disease.
What did Batman say to robin before they got in the car?
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