If /puns were to host a fence building party according to the rules...

(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)

  1. No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.

  2. The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.

  3. If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.

  4. Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.

  5. You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.

  6. If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.

  7. When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...

For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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If you can't appreciate this, please furgive me
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It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
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It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..

..do you just get exhausted ?

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Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...

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If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God

Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?

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If you spell the words β€œAbsolutely Nothing” backwards, you get β€œGnihton Yletulosba,” which ironically means...

Absolutely nothing.

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If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9P

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I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available.

She looked up and whispered, "They're right behind you".

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If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

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My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.

I said no I didn’t know he could.

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Did you know if you and your buddy fart at the same time it makes you Egyptian?

Because you have a Tutankhamun.

Note:I thought of this today I really hope the joke lands.

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What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...

Is this a trick question?

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What happens if you put your hand in the blender?

You get a handshake

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If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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Why should you never go for a jog if it is raining cats and dogs outside?

You might step in a poodle!

(from my 70 year old uncle)

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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If you have the soldiers named Salt and Pepper in your squad then consider yourself lucky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FartyMcFry89
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If two vegans get in an argument

Can you still call it a beef?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardcoredad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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This post might be a little ballsy. And if it gets a lot of attention, I might get cocky.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BLZ_Riptide
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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I went in for a Covid test and my doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste

"No, I always dress like this", I replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl

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Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '

Thank you for the awards

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

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Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I admit it’s a repost, but this pun is just a sin... Please let me know if you get it!!!
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My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.

I said, β€œNo, only for the next couple of hours.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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LPT: If you are trying to stay in a hotel that’s completely booked, just tell the receptionist that your name is β€œimprovement”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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If I had 50 cents for every maths Exam I failed

I’d have $8.40.

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I asked my dad if I was adopted

He said β€˜not yet’.

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From r/askreddit's thread "If your sex life was a country, what country would it be and why?"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acerthorn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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If you are thinking of settling down, here’s some advice: Don’t date soccer players.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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If a Tesla drifts...

Would that be considered an electric slide?

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As a chemistry teacher, someone asked me during one of my labs if I look at memes.

β€œPeriodically,” I said

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.

...it’s a matter of wife or death.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joepopp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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If April showers bring may flowers what do may flowers bring?

Pilgrims

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frudedude
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.

It's a faux pa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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If a bunch of people simp for someone....

....do they become a simphony?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zfreakazoidz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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I finally found a genie in a bottle! So I asked if it would be possible to change French positives to Spanish...

He replied, "oui shall sΓ­."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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If a midget smoked weed...

....does he get high or medium ?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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If you don't pay your exorcist....

...you get repossessed.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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If you go to jail for tax evasion....

....aren't you basically living of taxes, for not paying taxes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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If I made a bot that spams every person who claims to be a member of the Pun Police with puns...

it would be a fully automatic machine pun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/copenhagen_bram
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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If a clock you ordered arrived in the mail,

That means your time is here

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pro-Do
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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If a lawyer gets a hip replacement surgery, do they call the procedure a rebuttal?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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What should you do if you see a space man?

Park in it, man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bishslap
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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