If /puns were to host a fence building party according to the rules...
(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)
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No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.
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The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.
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If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.
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Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.
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You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.
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If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.
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When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...
For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.
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︎ Apr 03 2018
If you can't appreciate this, please furgive me
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︎ Mar 12 2021
It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
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︎ Mar 08 2021
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
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︎ Feb 23 2021
If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
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︎ Feb 14 2021
If you spell the words βAbsolutely Nothingβ backwards, you get βGnihton Yletulosba,β which ironically means...
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︎ Feb 15 2021
If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, whatβs on the outside?
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︎ Mar 14 2021
I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available.
She looked up and whispered, "They're right behind you".
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︎ Feb 19 2021
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didnβt know he could.
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Did you know if you and your buddy fart at the same time it makes you Egyptian?
Because you have a Tutankhamun.
Note:I thought of this today I really hope the joke lands.
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︎ Mar 12 2021
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?
There would be mass confusion
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︎ Feb 16 2021
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
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︎ Jan 16 2021
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?
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︎ Mar 11 2021
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
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︎ Jan 12 2021
A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste.
I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
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︎ Mar 04 2021
Why should you never go for a jog if it is raining cats and dogs outside?
You might step in a poodle!
(from my 70 year old uncle)
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︎ Mar 11 2021
If you have the soldiers named Salt and Pepper in your squad then consider yourself lucky.
They're seasoned veterans
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︎ Feb 26 2021
If two vegans get in an argument
Can you still call it a beef?
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︎ Mar 12 2021
This post might be a little ballsy. And if it gets a lot of attention, I might get cocky.
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︎ Mar 04 2021
I went in for a Covid test and my doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste
"No, I always dress like this", I replied.
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︎ Feb 02 2021
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling π³ '
Thank you for the awards
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︎ Dec 17 2020
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
βI play a little guitar!"
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︎ Dec 15 2020
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
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︎ Dec 28 2020
I admit itβs a repost, but this pun is just a sin... Please let me know if you get it!!!
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︎ Feb 12 2021
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, βNo, only for the next couple of hours.β
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︎ Dec 31 2020
I apologise if this isn't allowed.
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
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︎ Nov 16 2020
LPT: If you are trying to stay in a hotel thatβs completely booked, just tell the receptionist that your name is βimprovementβ.
Because thereβs always room for improvement.
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︎ Feb 27 2021
If I had 50 cents for every maths Exam I failed
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︎ Nov 29 2020
I asked my dad if I was adopted
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︎ Mar 14 2021
From r/askreddit's thread "If your sex life was a country, what country would it be and why?"
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︎ Dec 30 2020
If you are thinking of settling down, hereβs some advice: Donβt date soccer players.
Thereβs only a 1/11 chance that theyβre a keeper.
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︎ Mar 06 2021
If a Tesla drifts...
Would that be considered an electric slide?
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︎ Mar 04 2021
As a chemistry teacher, someone asked me during one of my labs if I look at memes.
βPeriodically,β I said
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︎ Mar 13 2021
My girlfriend says if we donβt get married soon, sheβs gonna kill me.
...itβs a matter of wife or death.
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︎ Jan 26 2021
If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
If April showers bring may flowers what do may flowers bring?
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︎ Mar 09 2021
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.
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︎ Nov 05 2020
If a bunch of people simp for someone....
....do they become a simphony?
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I finally found a genie in a bottle! So I asked if it would be possible to change French positives to Spanish...
He replied, "oui shall sΓ."
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︎ Mar 05 2021
If a midget smoked weed...
....does he get high or medium ?
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︎ Mar 13 2021
If you don't pay your exorcist....
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︎ Mar 07 2021
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
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︎ Mar 14 2021
If you go to jail for tax evasion....
....aren't you basically living of taxes, for not paying taxes?
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︎ Mar 06 2021
If I made a bot that spams every person who claims to be a member of the Pun Police with puns...
it would be a fully automatic machine pun.
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︎ Mar 12 2021
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
If a clock you ordered arrived in the mail,
That means your time is here
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︎ Mar 08 2021
If a lawyer gets a hip replacement surgery, do they call the procedure a rebuttal?
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︎ Feb 18 2021
What should you do if you see a space man?
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︎ Mar 12 2021
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