It makes an ass out of you and Ming. I don't know who Ming is, probably some poor Chinese lady.
So my grand father always used to tell me you know what they say about assuming, it makes an ass out of you and me…I miss him.
Assembling his cabinet
Because the tree barked first
Probably name my kid Luke so I can remind him who I am for the rest of eternity.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
"I'm looking for quite a big tub of hand gel," he said.
"Here's one," I showed him, "this is 250ml."
He said, "Wow, that's far too expensive."
Apparently his role was taken.
I just assume they all died from laughter.
Because he couldn’t liquidate any assets.
Oh? You thought it was because he was short-handed? Wow. That’s what you get for assuming.
((My wife gets annoyed because when I ask a lighthearted question I always multiple replies ready to go; so, if she gets it right the first time I just redirect with a different reply. Keepin’ her on her toes!))
He says, “uno, dos..” and then POOF he disappeared without a tres…
But actually they prefer the arrrrrrrrmy.
because it's a late-text (latex)
So people would assume we had a fairly large fan base
He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "
... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.
Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.
He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.
His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.
Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.
This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.
The moral of this story?
Don't judge a brook by it's clover.
Though I guess that's just a generalization.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
You may think it’s A minor offense, but the punishment could B major
Context: I'm in a DnD campaign, for fifth edition.
So basically, one of my characters told a horrible pun to a planetar (Massive angel-like being) over Sending (A spell letting you communicate over long distances). "Whaddya call a celestial who likes to fish? An angel-er." and then he got asked to put his journal in the box that suddenly appeared behind hm, He complied, and when he got it back his name was gone from the first page of the book, and there was a golden box, that read "Tell me what I've pun, wizard" So I'm assuming he needs to answer in some sort of pun related to his name, Klaus Hallowmantle.
However, my brain is smoother than... I can't think of anything to compare it to all of a sudden. Oh well. Anyone who can help me with this?
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
Turns out that’s not what they meant when they called me un-savory.
You suppose something to be the case, without proof.
He just did and now we have like 40 viruses on our computer.
The media are calling him the Om Nom Nom de Plume.
The vegetable shop had to close down. Why? IT WAS FULL OF LEEKS
"I'm a CASSSHHHEWWWW!"
I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:
Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"
Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"
I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).
He said, “Hey! How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
He's great, as soon as I got home he made a bolt for the door.
Because our family reunion was in April.
Because 7 is a prime number and I assume they can be very intimidating
