My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Iβm about to share a joke thatβll turn r/dadjokes upside down
π︎ 616
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Gimme some sweet karma for an account I'll never use again
π︎ 79
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︎ Mar 30 2021
A woman walks into a bar. βIβll have an entendre,β she says to the bartender. βMake it a double.β
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I'll be honest, this one's quite cheesy
π︎ 80
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︎ Apr 07 2021
One thing I'll never do is tell dad jokes
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︎ Apr 13 2021
I'll see myself out π€£
π︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 27 2020
Iβll never date an apostrophe again!
The last one was too possessive.
π︎ 31
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︎ Apr 08 2021
My mom, ordering at a restaurant: Iβll have the chefβs salad, please.
Dad: Honey, thatβs a little rude. Just have your own.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket
"Do you wanna see how far I can kick that bucket?"
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︎ Feb 20 2021
If I ever win a big monetary prize or inheritance, I'll change my last name to Bates.
My butler won't be amused though.
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︎ Apr 23 2021
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, βIβll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
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︎ Mar 17 2021
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
π︎ 19k
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︎ Oct 11 2020
I'll never forget the day I got married....
I've tried everything.....Alcohol. Drugs, even Hypnosis.
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︎ Apr 20 2021
I'll admit, it was a half-baked idea
π︎ 42
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︎ Mar 14 2021
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..
"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"
π︎ 183
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︎ Jan 27 2021
My wife told me sheβll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
Iβm not too worried, I think sheβs jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
π︎ 520
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Two brokers met on the sidewalk. "How's it going?" Said the one. "I'm fine," replied the other. "Well, gotta run," said the one. "Okay," said the other, "I'll see ya later." "All right. Bye."
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I had a sheer hope that theyβll get it
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︎ Feb 26 2021
I'll agree
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
π︎ 13k
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︎ Sep 22 2020
I'll make sure to control my anger next time
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Waiter, I'll have the omelette please.
π︎ 14
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Two guys at a bar order drinks. The first says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "Yeah, I'll have some H2O too."
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 20 2021
I'll be Bach.
π︎ 75
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︎ Dec 23 2020
I wore a credit card costume yesterday, I think I'll wear it today
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 27 2021
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
π︎ 17
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︎ Jan 17 2021
Iβll be back...
And Iβll be Beethoven!
(Been rocking this joke since I was 10!)
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 02 2021
My wife said she'll leave me, if I ever cheated on her.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 22 2021
You'll laugh at almost anything, but when I joke about how a noisy animal has become a synonym for silence...
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 08 2021
If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate
And I'll name the other DupliKate
π︎ 117
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︎ Dec 12 2020
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
π︎ 17
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Magician: "Now, I'll cut this woman in half."
Me: "Why turn one problem into two?"
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︎ Feb 27 2021
I'll never vaccinate my kids, that's stupid, irresponsible, and dangerous.
I'd get the doctor to do it.
π︎ 50
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Very slow day/boring. So I'll post an oldie just because.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?...because 7-8-9.
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 06 2021
I'll hire this guy for a contract
π︎ 71
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︎ Dec 11 2020
My girlfriend said if I donβt marry her then sheβll destroy my hearing
Itβs a wife or deaf situation
Credit for idea: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/l5550w/my_girlfriend_says_if_we_dont_get_married_soon/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 26 2021
Iβll never forget the day I saw the ugliest man Iβve ever seen.
The dude thought it was funny to copy my every move, heβs lucky there was a pane of glass between us.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 22 2021
I don't know whether dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour exists, but I'll believe it when I see it.
You can say I'm agnocchic.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Okay I'll bite.
I'm sick of choking on my food.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 31 2021
My wife told me, "You're a better husband than I'll ever be."
I responded, "Who the hell is Oliver B.??"
π︎ 873
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︎ Sep 07 2020
Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "i'll have a whiskey..................on the rocks, please" bartender asks "whats with the big pause?"
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Saw this on r/unexpected, thought it was funny so here we are :) Iβll be sure to add the link to the OG post in the comments incase you wanna see it
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 22 2020
I just went to get my glasses fixed and youβll never guess who I ran into when I was there!
Thatβs right!
.... Everyone.
π︎ 146
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︎ Dec 01 2020
Get in a pun battle with me, and Iβll have to put on my...
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︎ Oct 25 2020
I'll be in the bathroom a little longer this morning...
Because I've been holding this in since last year. Out of the way!
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Well, it's that time on New Year's Eve. I'll see you all...
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 01 2021
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
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︎ Feb 05 2021
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