i once attended a black-tie affair in flip-flops
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
I realised I was dyslexic when I attended a toga party
Last weekend I attended a benefit for females born with no legs
The place was crawling with women.
We attended my sister's boyfriend's funeral at 9 A.M. yesterday, but she didn't seem very upset and didn't cry at all. I asked her why and she said,
She's not really a mourning person.
I attended a comedy night at a haunted mansion
All the ghosts booed at me.
Did you hear about the real estate agent who attended finishing school?
She now shows her manors.
The inventor of fairy bread passed away yesterday. Hundreds and thousands attended his funeral.
I attended a child’s birthday party of a rich friend of mine, and it was extremely formal.
For fun, we went Roberting for apples.
I attended a the most beautiful wedding ...
Even the cake was in tiers
I attended the international dwarf toss convention this year.
It was called Yeet and greet.
What did James Brown say after he attended an Ivy League school?
This girl came up to me today and said I knew her from a vegetarian conference we attended...
I swear I never met herbivore.
I attended a psychology lecture by a famous professor today.
Parents attended pirate night at the church - find the pun.
The local congregation held a pirate-themed fundraising dinner, my parents attended, this picture ensued. I missed the pun out of the gates - how long will it take /r/dadjokes?
(spacing for mobile users)
http://imgur.com/1UsHwvH
May the best dadjoker win! Groan-inducing hint to arrive in 1hr.
Edit: looks like I have a lot to learn... Goodnight reddit.
I once attended a theatrical performance on puns
My attending physician got me good today
I was inducing anesthesia on a patient before surgery and I was telling her to imagine a nice place like the beach or mountains. This somehow lead to a conversation between the attending anesthesiologist and I after she was asleep about hawks and raptors as I was intubated her. I was telling him that I used to work with a girl who kept raptors and Falcons and they were so cool. He seemed very interested and started on about how it was raptor season, and I was like, “what are you sure? It seems off season for baby birds...” and he was, “oh no my wife and daughter have been raptoring all the presents for weeks.” He then proceeded to laugh so hard he had to sit down while I stood there like -_-
what did the depressed water park attendant think of at the top of a high rise building?
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
I asked the movie theater attendant for one admission.
He said he liked wearing his wife’s shoes when she wasn’t home.
Where do people attend support groups for arachnophobes?
From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
I don't know why the beautiful attendant at Ikea reported me to the police.
All I asked was "How much for one night stand ?"
The attending neonatal pediatrician was always grumpy and irritated by our questions about our babies...
...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.
Mandatory temperature screening will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.
If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.
Friend: Ugh the concert I was attending this weekend got cancelled
Me: wow that’s disconcerting
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"
... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I was so mad when Walmart ran out of figurines for the Nativity
Now I have to attend manger management
I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers
It's called on and on anon
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...
...so I have to fill her slot instead.
A conversation from today while attending a free santa picture event at my wife's workplace.
Lady- how old is your daughter?
Me - 5
Lady - when does she turn six?
Me - on her birthday
Lady (mad that she got dadded) when is her birthday?
Me - every year.
Wife and Lady both just sigh and walk away.
Sorry for format, I'm on mobile.
A man decided to attend his friend's funeral. He approached his friend's widow and after a consoling hug said "Plethora".
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
Why didn’t Queen Elizabeth take a shower before attending Prince Harry’s wedding?
Because she was already queen.
What religious positions are open for women?
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.
What did the casino's elevator attendant say after a cow left the elevator?
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says “regular please” and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks “fill?” my dad replies
“No, Fred, nice to meet you”
I tried to attend a seminar for kleptomaniacs.
All the seats were already taken.
A typical "school" joke in my country, when a teacher was checking the attendance in the class:
"Who's not here, please raise your hand."
Why did the vampire attend the Kentucky Derby?
He heard the race was going to be neck and neck.
A plane passenger asked a flight attendant, "How often do planes crash?"
The flight attendant replied, "Only once."
I use to attend an Origami club.
My very religious Aunt attends mass daily.
She says that's because missing church for seven days makes one weak!
The Flight Attendant kept making jokes...
But none of them seem to have landed.
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said ''see you later, son I said indignantly, ''don't call me 'son' you're not my dad!''
To which the lift attendant replied:
"Maybe not, but I brought you up
didn't l?"
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