I was recording my wife’s speech at her parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, but my battery died halfway through.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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I went to what I thought was a christening but halfway through the vicar tipped a load of pish tasting lager over the poor baby.

Turns out he was being fostered.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElMel77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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There are two kinds of people in this world: those who do things halfway, and
πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akasdan1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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While reading an essay, I decided halfway through that reading the whole thing is a waste of time.

I think I might be jumping to a conclusion.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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My grandpa died last week, but his body was delivered halfway through the funeral....

I guess you could say he was my late grandfather.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CzarinaCabbs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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I fell halfway through a window a week ago

I've been in pane since.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lenzar86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the German waiter say halfway through the meal?

Cheer up. The wΓΌrst is yet to come!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrPink2112
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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Any time I do something halfway intelligent, my dad says…

"Wow, you're a fart smella...I mean smart fella!"

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my dad from halfway across the planet.

My Father is currently on vacation with my Mother in Vietnam and everyday he sends photo trip reports.

Today he emailed me and sent the following.

Countryside on way to My Son Sanctuary.

My Son is thick in the middle of the jungle.

To which I replied back.

"No I'm not, I'm at work."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrGoodGlow
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
🚨︎ report
I was driving through the bad part of town today when I passed a purple-painted halfway house.

It must be a home for violet offenders.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AFaceWithAView
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Don't you just hate it when someone stops telling a joke halfway through, and
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dracovis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross the Titanic and the Atlantic ocean?

Halfway there.

*Too soon?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Instead of water, I accidentally put RedBull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning.

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikatnite825050
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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Do people with narcolepsy snore like Mmm instead of Zzz?

I would assume they only got halfway through the alphabet before falling asleep!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbetter1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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I was trying to give my son a lesson on averages the other day,

He stood up halfway through and said "Dad, I really don't know what you mean."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BobletGoblet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Listened to orchestra last night.

Listened to Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last night.

Halfway through the concert the man playing the triangle disappeared.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanixATK
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you ever been to Engagement, Ohio?

It’s halfway between Dayton and Marion.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5illy_billy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Simon is in the school play and invites his parents, who don't think he'll be very good.

Halfway through the play, a floorboard breaks underneath Simon and he falls through. 'Don't worry' Simon's dad whispers to his mum 'it's just a stage he's going through!'

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

About halfway!

Note: Shamelessly stolen from the Muppet Movie.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blisspoint2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
U2 is having a concert in northern Ireland.

Halfway through the show, the music stops and Bono stands middle stage clapping his hands every few seconds. "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies" Without missing a beat, from somewhere in the front of the crowd a man bellows out in a thick Irish accent: "Well stop fucking doing it ya evil bastard!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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I was watching Zootopia on netflix with my girlfriend over the weekend...

I'm watching it with her, and halfway through the movie something clicks in my head.

Me: "Holy shit I just got it,this is a bunny cop movie"

GF: ......

ME:" instead of a buddy cop movie"

And then she proceeded to beat me

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Why do Italians love soccer?

Because they get to switch sides halfway through.

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
No telling what was in there

We had a friend in town this weekend whose flight was this afternoon, so she was staying at the house for a while after my wife and I left for work. About halfway through my commute I was overtaken by a terrible sense of dread and panic that I forgotten to flush the toilet and our friend was going to come face to face with a semi-fresh dookie when she went to the restroom.

I was so mortified at this that I preemptively texted her to warn her and requested that she please, for both our sake's, flush the toilet prior to lifting the lid. We may never know whether I needed to send that text-- it was a real Schrodinger Scat situation.

This is sort of a TIFU, but I have no idea if I actually did and I'm not sure she would have the heart to tell me anyway.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LapTrap
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
So a sensei or β€˜teacher’ at a martial arts school brings a bowl of crispy wontons to class.

He sets it on a plinth and tells the students they’re free to take a couple after class is over. Halfway through teaching the senpai or sensei’s assistant approaches and tells him he has an important phone call. He tells the class to find a partner and practice. He comes back fifteen minutes later and the plinth is knocked over, the bowl is in pieces and the wontons crushed and scattered about. He is dismayed that his students would engage in such sensei-less wonton destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Igrotzny
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
So this might have been posted before but...

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. β€œWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohihatethesepants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad got me when I was 16, bleeding in a field and in agony.

I was 16 and at a rowing regatta I was competing in. It was middle of the day and very hot everyone was under these massive gazebo/tent structures with big guide wires and these huge rusty steel tent pegs sledgehammered into the dirt.

Anyways I was running late for my race and my crew were yelling at me so I started running. The shortest way was through the spectator area on a big downhill towards the water so at full pace I went that way.

About halfway the top of my barefoot trips on the rusted top of one of these steel pegs and I fall face first and tumble through the dirt with my foot and ankle split open.

People run from all directions, medical staff etc someone holds a towel over my head for shade and I see my dad. He's looking down at me but it's hard to see through the dirt in my eyes and people around.

He asks "bloody hell mate, what happened?".

In agony I manage a "I kicked a tent peg".

He knelt down beside me, looked me in the eye and said "how far did it go?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sennais1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
🚨︎ report
I hated my first experience of skydiving. I jumped out of the plane with the other person next to me.

Anyway, about halfway down he said, "So, how long have you been an instructor?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rednreditit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Two guys at the funny farm

Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, β€œWe can get out of here.”

The other guy says, β€œWe can?”

He says, β€œYes.”

The other guy says, β€œHow?”

The first guy says, β€œI’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.”

The guy says, β€œYou really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”

(Editor’s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/two-guys-at-the-funny-farm/

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A mate and I were at a bar one night, when...

... half a dozen mean-looking tough and muscly guys approached us. The biggest of them said to me in a rough voice, "You're at our table. Get lost. Now."

My mate whispered to me, "Just pretend we're the police".

I thought this was a great idea. But​ >!I only got halfway through the first line of "Roxanne" before they started beating the crap out of us!<

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
How far can a dog run into the woods ?

Halfway. After that he’s running out.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mekkanik
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t Uno visit his friend Ocho?

About halfway there, he was arrested for trespassing

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Accidental Jesus dad joke

I recently tore all the ligaments in my ankle and I’m still in rehab. I was on the sidewalk concentrating on my crutches when a construction worker popped up in front of me. Initially I thought he was going to tell me I was walking under something dangerous; halfway through I thought he was going to ask me out; then Jesus happened:

β€œHey, that looks like it hurts!”

β€œNaw, it’s not bad, it’s much better now.”

β€œRunning? Skiing? How’d you do it?”

β€œRock climbing.”

β€œRock climbing! Wow, so you must be strong, eh?”

β€œYeah, I’m ripped.”

β€œ … ripped? Really?”

β€œYeah, I’m super ripped.”

β€œ … oh. Wow. Not joking.”

β€œYeah, I’m joking. I’m not actually ripped.”

β€œ … ahaha … hah. That was good.”

β€œYep.”

β€œSo, I’m Christian.”

β€œHi, Christian.”

β€œ... and I don’t know if you’ve read the Bible, but the Bible says that laying on of hands, especially for our fellow Christians, will heal. And I’ve …” etc.

It took me a block to realize that I’d accidentally made a Dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A British explorer is leading an expedition through an uncharted valley deep in Africa.

About halfway through the valley, drumbeats started rolling from the mountains around them. Everyone in the party was confused, but the local guides started to panic.

"We HAVE to get out of here by sundown, OR ELSE".

The explorer orders his men to pick up the pace, and keep moving. A couple hours later, The drums start beating more and more frantically. Again, the guides say: "Keep moving, WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE".

A bit later, the men hear horns echoing from the hills.

The explorer asks his guides: "what was that?"

They respond: "theres no time, we need to be out BEFORE SUNDOWN, we only have a few hours!!!".

Exasperated, the explorer asks "Why? What could be so urgent? And why do we have to get out by sundown?".

The guides reply, "at sundown, the bagpipe solo starts!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeb1122
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my fiancΓ© over dinner.

Having dinner with fiancΓ© and parents, sausages, mash, vegetables. Delicious.

FiancΓ© sits down with her dinner, my Dad asks her why she doesn't have broccoli?

Her: "I can't eat it with irritable bowel"

Me: "you should eat it with carrots like the rest of us"

Uncle and Dad laughed, everyone else stopped forks halfway to mouths.

πŸ‘︎ 299
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arathkone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Young Billy Finally Lands a Date for the Prom

He really wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a tux. However, when he gets to the rental place, people are queued up out the door. He doesn't let this stop him, though. He takes his place in line and gets to waiting.

Finally, after waiting for over an hour, he gets fitted and pays for the rental. Relieved, he heads to the florist for a corsage, only to discover that the line there is also out the door, and halfway around the block, to boot!

Miffed, he mutters some mild obscenities, but he is determined to see this through, so he waits for almost 2 hours before finally being able to buy the flowers he picked out.

It's now the night of the dance, and he's ready to go. He picks her up, and they head to the event. When they arrive, his date immediately asks him if he can grab her a drink - she's absolutely parched! Still determined to make this the best night of her life, he dutifully makes his way to the other side of the venue, where he discovers, much to his surprise...

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

There's no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rolling_Man
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway.

πŸ‘︎ 294
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic on the Titanic?

About halfway.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nh-278
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kolshpa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway

πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/auburnite240
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Halfway

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pm2112
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
How far can you run into the woods?

....only halfway, then you are running out!

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/107Teamster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
🚨︎ report

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